Doesn’t seem to be many posts on this so here we go…..
I love my adopted family to bits. My wife died 7years ago and I met a fantastic young family who had just lost their hubby & dad. They literally brought me back to life. I have been so lucky and yet since I have had my strokes (2 both thankfully mild)feel I need my rest and struggle to keep up. I so much want things as they were I love them to bits i dread to think how I’d be if it were not for them. Today I was so tired I didn’t respond well to a request to go out one of those situations where if only I had chosen my words better.
I am not perfect I am human. I have also read how strokes can affect and potentially destroy relationships. I don’t want this to happen. They really have been so good with me especially the kids so brave so kind the 3 of them an inspiration in these times. Theres been words.
Sorry to go on - but nothing is more important than our nearest. I am still learning to accept how much things have changed- and I know things could be so much worse. Anyone any wisdom? Do I just have to stop whinging and man up? Challenging times….
Hello Baldrick - Not sure if these are words of wisdom or not, but relationships can be difficult at any time and for anyone. That is part of being human I think. How we manage the relationships is always tricky and different people have different ways of dealing with situations they find themselves in. Some people run away, others look for solutions. I don’t think there is any simple solution, but I think the best way to deal with is talk it out - don’t keep it in.
It seems to me you have a loving family and they have been fully supportive. They will likely understand how you might be feeling and accept the changes that have taken place. Whether things can be as they were might depend on a lot of things and not something I can help with.
Recently, I have started reading a book that is helping me understand things and I am going to suggest you might want to read this book. I don’t normally turn to books or things, but I have found this actually very interesting and it helps be understand how and why people behave how they do and so I can adjust my own behaviour accordingly.
Relationships are about give and take, being honest, accepting mistakes, forgiving mistakes and much more.
The book : “The Chimp Paradox”
Author: Prof Steve Peters.
The tag line is “Your Inner Chimp can be your best friend or your worst enemy … this is the Chimp Paradox”
Keep going down the glidepath… think how to express your concern about going out… or why you couldn’t… reverse the roles and replay the scenario where you didn’t respond well… how could it be misunderstood ? Go over it until it stops bothering you. The answer will unfold naturally and you can finally put your feet up for a few moments!! … time will heal !!
I think you explained the situation very eloquently and with honesty.
Stroke is a difficult thing to deal with and even a mild stroke can leave you with a multitude of small but not insignificant challenges, not least the healing our brains need to do and how tired this can make us.
I think most of us on this forum will have had occasions when we have felt so tired that it has led to us respond to our loved ones in a way that we may have instantly regretted. Stroke can often leave you feeling irritable especially if you are tired and this makes it much harder when dealing with other peoples needs.
I have found myself having to explain to family and friends that I can no longer be as spontaneous as I once was and that due to my stroke I have to consider which activities to use my energy on, as it runs out much quicker these days. Whilst it is frustrating not being able to do everything I would like to do, I know it’s essential for my health that I listen when my body tells me I need to rest.
My advice would be to sit and explain to your loved ones about the restrictions you may be feeling after your stroke. I would imagine they have probably been feeling very concerned at the possibility of losing another person in their lives when you had your strokes. Possibly this has made them want to be around you more to reassure themselves you are still here and everything is normal.
Forgive yourself for the words said from fatigue and reassure them of your love and that you plan on sticking around.
I don’t suppose im the only one who puts their foot in their mouth and you words are wise and measured. Im sure things will settle down. You thoughts have helped my hope is that in the end we will all have a deeper stronger than ever bond im sure it will come.
Your words are much appreciated and wise. This stroke situation is very demanding on everyone and there are enough challenges! We are where we are. It’s been 3 months since my first stroke and if im honest i think until the second I was kidding myself things would get back to normal. Obviously not though recovery has been good. It’s been hard accepting that I will no longer be out tramping the hills (I was on Everest (base camp) this time last year) or flying for the gliding club. My social circle has collapsed though most people keep in touch it’s very hard to have the same meaningful talks when you can no longer participate.
Running out of steam is a major feature now. I take time to get going in the mornings and if I don’t manage the fatigue can be exhausted late afternoon though on the plus side seem to recover well when home - in many ways the evenings are the best time.
I will and already have started talking it through It is a new normal amd God willing i believe things will get better and better. Thank you for your wise words and apologies for my ramblings. I hope everyone on here keeps talking - relationships are the most important thing. Strong bonds make us all stronger.
Good morning i cant believe ive not replied to you. Thanks again for more advice. I’ll look for the chimp paradox. It’s good we all share our experiences i feel sometimes I whinge a bit but that said the wisdom which is received- well i hope it helps others as much as it does me. Thank you (& everyone) for taking the trouble to write and such kind wise words.
@Baldrick i think the others have said what I would say. It still irks me that I can’t be that person I used to be and I can’t attend social events like I used to. I have to pick and choose carefully where I expend my energy. I have just been honest with people and told them why. Some understand some don’t. I usually apologise that I can’t do it but explain that maybe next time I can. Without making any promises.
I think I saw above that it is 3 months since your 1st stroke. That is no time at all and in time you should be able to increase your social interactions.
Thank you for your comments It’s nice to know that my story is a positive one and im not just always whinging which I do worry about.
I think Janet (my wife) would be happy and I am pretty sure she’d love my adopted family. It’s certainly what I’d want for her if she were here and me not. They are an inspiration and the kids (12 & 13) incredible. So much negative is said about the young these days but tbh I’ve found them and their friends very communicative, expressive with tons of ideas and not afraid to ask questions and empathise. I do believe the future is safe with this generation.
I agree with all who’ve said that communication is the key. Going through all sorts of ups and downs after my TIA I realised that I needed to use the energy of the ups to explain to my family how I felt in the downs. Knowing that they understood helped me get through the downs as well. At 12 and 13 those kids are going to need lots of support themselves in the coming years, and as you recover you’ll be in a great position to give it. You’ll return their love in spades.
@Mrs5K I completely understand, I feel the same as you. I used to be out and about all the time and I do not like who I have become. I have way more bad days than good. I do not like the picking and choosing of events, I want to attend them all, but know I am not capable. Friends do not undrstand at all. Good Luck for your future.
Thanks Irene - I wish you the best of luck too.. Totally identify with your words I used to have boundless energy up before everyone else …. Not now. The mornings are worse i wake up wanting to go but the body is reluctant. I do manage a walk mid to late morning ok and a bit of stamina seems to come back during the day. Late afternoon evening is becoming the best time if I pace myself And dont do too much initially.
No few if any understand but to b fair I doubt if I would have before I experienced it for myself. I hope no more setbacks and things continue to build. And I can be more active again but time will tell. Im not good at taking things slowly but I’m learning.
Let’s keep the conversation going? Thanks for your words of encouragement.
Yep I think you’ve hit on a truth about using the ups. Yesterday was a good day after a marathon sleep and we went out for a meal all was good and I was able to give of myself more. Nothing worse than not feeling you can contribute. So made the most of things. Of course today mega slow starting but hopefully significant event last night.
Thanks for your words about the kids too - if I can give them that support it means more than anything.
Thanks again and as I keep saying let’s keep the conversation going?
Hi, I guess in many ways we are all the same in this respect we are now someone else not who we used to be, yes in each our own unique multi faceted way and at any given time too. We don’t mean to cause any upset or offence, be tired, different and so much more but we do.
Then look at what you have a great loving family who you helped complete after suffering heartache and loss then the possibility of this happening a second time and similarly you have lost your self or identity as stroke has done it’s very best to rip this away from both you and your family which is traumatic for you all. But you are all surviving this together. Talk to each other openly maybe see if there is some counselling for you as a family as losing one dad is overwhelming but to lose a second great one or the fear of this is somewhat worse.
Keep working on recovery at your pace let them know when your feeling the pace, strain or fatigue but don’t give up om something so great you all need each other just now.
Thanks jbob - such wise words. No we are not who we used to be though i feel i am still me, just not the same. Physically but also psychologically as well. I am scared of what might happen and still learning to deal with this and be me. An incredibly confusing time.
I have to say the kids have been incredible, accepting, tolerant, patient and attentive. As I have said elsewhere it’s an incredible generation. But I digress. I think what you said about identity is my great fear: at what point does that get damaged. I take heart from this site though there are incredible people who have done far more than simply survive i would say.
Thanks we are all doing ok (so far so good) and God willing the outcome will make us all stronger.
Sorry life as we all know can get busy at times. I still suffer from identity crisis but this week was my one years anniversary and I’m back at work - suffered the team meeting but with a different view enjoyed it more than I usually do as I realised yep still me but a wee bit different and still mentally as sharp as I was before. I still have daily fears and anxieties but manage them better. But it’s been a real good week as kicked off with decorating well painting my mum’s lounge/ living room, martial arts is my hobby and now planning a return in new tear to wing chun - good for posture relaxation and gets my slower left arm working in an gentler manner, also next few weeks gym is coming back so have looked more positively at things,it did take time but getting there. So hang in there find the new identity you may like it and learn to enjoy it, then look at the bonus of an amazing family still having you and them you.
Man up is not the answer.The new you needs to live their new life with some regard to your new condition.Fatigue is amongst the most common side effects and you need to work around this by doing things in short bursts with rest periods built in.
There will be good days when you are up to doing more and bad days when you will rest and do less.
Your new family need to understand and accept that you are to some extent damaged.
You will learn to work around things like bouts of brain fog or fatigue.
I wish you and your new family a happy future.
Tony
You are correct of course thank you for the wisdom. And you are right: yesterday was a good day much more myself - i didn’t go mad or do much but today a pretty poor start stiff and achy on the right & feeling rough. It’s passing as I sit here though. So your comment about good and bad days definitely rang a bell.
I was very fit all my life very active never saw a Doctor - these past few months have been different! I know I’ve been lucky (so far) though and I am adapting to the new normal. Got no choice.
Thanks for your good wishes. We are getting there Ithink.
Your wife is looking down and proud of you. Good luck with your continued happy future.
Luck for your future.