Our New Funnies Thread

My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used that repairman since…
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee…
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote……

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I’d like to keep a spiider or two, alas my daughter still lives at home :slightly_smiling_face: Even my hubby is quite happy to leave them to me to catch in a glass and put them outside :face_with_diagonal_mouth:


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Who does this remind you of? @Bobbi :wink: :stuck_out_tongue:

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Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.

Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.

And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, "Some dopey bugger put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

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A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said,

“I want to be a movie star.”

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right

credentials . The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into

Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will

not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years…you will NEVER

go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you,

you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he

left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER…The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for £50,000. The agent is

awe-struck, who would possibly send him £50,000? He reads the letter

enclosed…

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in

Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it

with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van

Lesbian … After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I

decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to

return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have

made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my

appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke!

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