Did you sing this? I bet you did
3 Likes
Angry, a man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. He mutters “These lawyers are jerks… all the same…”.
Sitting nearby, a man in a suit responds “Hey, watch your mouth.”
“Why, you’re a lawyer?”
The man responds: “No, I’m a jerk.”
I asked the director of a psychiatric ward how they know for sure if someone is mentally unstable and needs to be committed. He explained their method: they go to a bathroom and fill a bathtub to the top. They then give the patient a big bucket and a small spoon and ask them to empty the tub.
“Ah,” I replied, “so the normal person chooses the bucket because it’s larger, right?”
The director disagreed: “No, a normal person would simply pull the drain stopper.” And added “By the way, is a room with a garden view ok for you?”
3 Likes
I can identify with that! 
** Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He says out loud, “One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight.”
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, “What are you doing Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “I am just doing my math homework.”
" And is this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asks. “Yes,” Johnny replies.
The mother is now angry and immediately phones Johnny’s teacher, “What on earth are you teaching my son in class?” she asks.
The teacher replies, “Right now, we are learning mathematical addition.”
The mother asks, “And are you teaching them to say one plus six, that son of a bitch is seven?”
After the teacher stopped laughing hysterically, she answers, “What I taught them to say was, one plus six, the sum of which is seven.”**
3 Likes
Reminds me of my two grandsons (ages 8 and 10). 
One day in the kitchen during lunch, Little Johnny’s mom tried to open a bottle of ketchup and it was just too hard, so she started hitting it on the bottom to loosen it up, suddenly the phone rang, so she asked her four year old son Johnny to answer the phone. Little Johnny ran to the living room and picked up the phone: ” Mommy it’s our priest, Johnny shouted ” ” Well, tell him I will call him right back ”
” Mom can’t come to the phone to talk right now, she’s hitting the bottle ”
3 Likes
very funny
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What is the chemical formula for water?” Little Johnny replies, “HIJKLMNO”! The teacher, puzzled, asks, “What on Earth are you talking about?” Little Johnny replies, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!”
2 Likes
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. Theb mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
2 Likes
EmeraldEyes–
My husband and I really got some good laughs from your posts today. I don’t know where you find them, but keep it up! 
1 Like
Yes, gave myself a stitch laughing over the UPS Pilots one
They’re usually from my hubby, he volunteers for Manchester Blood Bikes so the jokes fly in their FB group.
Too many for here but it means I never run out 
The UPS post is hilarious & made me laugh out loud.
Just the tonic needed xx
1 Like
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
“Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.”
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.”
The barman says, “I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.”
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
“We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, “Are you sure I will like it?”
The crowd’s bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, “Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.”
“Ok,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves…
NEVER TO RETURN!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, “Who are you?”
To which he is answered,
“I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.”
The barman says, "I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous."
The rabbit says, “Yes I know.”
The barman said, “I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.”
The rabbit said, “Yes, you promised me that I would love it.”
The barman said, “You never came back, what happened?”
“I DIED,” said the rabbit.
“NO!” said the barman. “What from?”
After a short pause, the rabbit said …
“Mixin-me-toasties.”
2 Likes
