I remember seeing on the news recently about carers/relatively being asked if they have signed DNRs by doctors and that this is upsetting/insensitive especially as it is brought up at a stressful time.
As advocate and carer for my Mum, I too have been asked this so many times that now I have almost become “immune” and do not stress over it. I have also come up with the response I give to the doctor.
I have been told that ultimately, the Doctors or the team of doctors have the final say i.e. it is the doctor(s) who at the time will decide if they will or will not resuscitate the patient. This is a MEDICAL decision and it seems patients/relatives cannot demand to be resuscitated, but they can REFUSE to be resuscitated.
On that basis, I ask myself why they (doctor/medics) ask me to sign a DNR if they have the final say?
I conclude that they (doctors/medics) don’t want to take the decision and so are “pressuring” the family/patient to make their decision i.e. they cannot be “blamed”. It seems to me to be a cop out and perhaps they do it to prevent legal actions being taken against them?
I don’t know for sure.
But if it helps, there is an article on the Alzheimer’s Society website that explains the position wrt DNRs which you may wish to read and it may or may not help you to decide if a DNR might be good for you or your loved one.
Good morning @ManjiB , thank you for taking the time and trouble to respond.
I’m sorry that you, too are going through something similar with your mum…
It was helpful to read the Alzheimer’s article.
I do understand that ultimately it is a medical decision for the doctors. I also know that my husband would not want to live with extensive brain damage that could be caused by aggressive resuscitation.
Like you I hope to become immune to this message by understanding it is a routine message for someone who already has a severe brain injury.
I’ve learned from this forum, I can’t live my life thinking the worst that can happen and must choose to focus day to day on the positives that can happen! Mental health is as precious as physical health, especially at times like this.
When my dad was terminally ill we had a DNR in place. That was my dad’s wish & whether we agreed with him or not we went with it. Every time the paramedics were called they asked if we had one in place. I never saw it as them trying to pass responsibility to us but more about them checking his wishes before they did something that would be against his wishes or cause us any additional distress.
It’s a very difficult one & usually gets asked at a time of high emotions. It is also very individual for everyone.
I feel for anyone in that situation. It is tough xx
I guess I took my point of view when the doctor told us (in front of my Mum) he did not want a death on HIS hands. At the time we (my siblings and I) took it as he did not want to spoil is copybook record of 100%. With hindsight and now having talked about it, it could simply be a reaction to the highly charged emotional state we were in.
Claire @Lara1 - this is so true.
Positive frame of mind is what is needed and what we must try to achieve.
I have to remind myself that if I am not fit mentally and physically, I won’t be able to look after my Mum.
At times this (being a Carer and also I guess being a Stroke Survivor) can be a very lonely journey. It seems you can get ghosted etc.
This forum has been very helpful and supportive.
For us, in the early days post-discharge when we were “drowning” and being “punched in the stomach” as you say, we were saved by two lovely people from the Stroke Association who visited at home and supported us for over a year. They were truly fantastic, and we will forever be grateful to them.
I think what that Dr said was very thoughtless & insensitive & i’m not surprised you feel how you do. I guess it’s all very matter of fact to them whereas to us, when it is our loved one, it is a lot more emotional.
