My husband has his stroke exactly 12 months ago and has made an amazing recovery. He is mobile, albeit gets fatigued, has full speech and back at work running a large sales team. It has left him with a pulsing/buzzing sensation down his left arm and leg but this too has had a huge impact on my life too and I feel absolutely awful for saying this.
Before his stroke we would share tasks/jobs but now I have to do them all with the exception of emptying the bins (a definite blue job). All the DIY, gardening, lifting and carrying I have had to take on. Don’t get me wrong I am strong but sometimes it would be good of this to be done for me. I also hold down a full time job too and have been running on pure adrenaline for the last 12 months. I am exhausted. I am drained.
He does get down and I keep reminding him how far he has come, how much worse the outcome could have been which he acknowledges but every time to try to raise how I feel or explain how I am feeling it is just shut down with him saying that he feels tired. His body aches. His life has changed. I didn’t have the stroke. Well in a way I did. I didnt have the physical symptoms but I have had the mental and emotional strain of it.
As I said, I feel incredibly selfish writing this, but people always ask him and me how is he doing but nobody ever asks how I am coping.
For many, before stroke, a partnership would have been about complementing each other’s strengths and weaknesses, sharing tasks, and support at whim, but after one partner has a stroke that dynamic certainly can shift. The separation rate dramatically increases in relationships where one half has had a stroke, perhaps part of our instinct to find a healthy mate or go it alone if unable to. That statistic shows the strain that both people can feel in a relationship affected by stroke. The perceived and actual pressures of weekly life add to that strain, making it tough for all concerned.
I can only reflect on my own experience as each individual’s circumstance in relationships is deeply personal and unique, but my partner and I settled on living separately for the time being and it is working quite well. This is not suitable or desirable for everyone but it works for us. I became deeply rooted in my own inner routine after stroke and the fatigue was almost crippling at times. I got on with daily chores and helping out with the business but I was also unreliable and prickly because of my symptoms. My partner would get frustrated at how little I could do at first but as time went by and the more I could achieve, I think she was pleasantly impressed that at some point the gears started to change and I could try harder, yet still challenged by my symptoms.
Twelve months is not a long time after stroke, I was severely challenged for about two or three years before I started to come into my own again. A lot of this came down to having to address the psychological impact of stroke and it often does need to be addressed: it takes a lot of work but is rewarding. Reaching out to friends can help, if each partner has their own friend to help support their needs; also therapy can be beneficial. Therapy is not just about mental health, it is about having someone there to help one unravel one’s own mind by talking it out to someone else and it can be used as a short term tool. I mention these things because you mentioned that you and your partner are struggling to talk to each other about your predicament. I have one close stroke survivor friend and one non-stroke survivor friend, and both of them get bouts of my drivel, but it helps me to talk aloud about my frustrations. My partner has a few close friends too who also serve this purpose for her. We can talk uncensored with our friends, warts and all discussions, and that seems to help as both of us know that each other is having those discussions and so we aren’t emotionally sensitive to it and keep our personal friendships compartmentalised. I think it makes it a little easier on our relationship. It works for us.
But I mentioned that twelve months is a mere crumb in the breaded existence of stroke and things may change for the better between you both, it may just take time.
If you are both working can you afford to pay someone to do the jobs you dislike. Pre-stroke I would not have dreamed of paying for diy, cleaning or gardening. Now i have to recognize that there are some things I can’t do.
Firstly, I am saddened to read this post.
Secondly, both @Rups and @Janetb have already offered some excellent advice and I don’t feel there is much more I would like to add.
Disclaimer
When I started responding to this post, I didn’t expect to say very much but as I started, I couldn’t stop and I realise I have spoken from my own perspective and how I feel having read the post and how I understood the message/cry for help. As such, what follow is very much a personal view and opinion and it may not be to the liking of everyone who reads it.
I mean no offence, nor do I intend to be judgemental. However, in the interests of free speech and in times when things can be difficult to discuss or say, I feel this platform allows us (me) to do this and so that is what I have done - expressed my raw unfiltered thoughts.
The below is my thoughts on the original lost - they are personal and should be read as such. It is not intended to cause hurt or offence to anyone and if you choose to continue to read this, you do so by choice! < Click to read more >
However, as a carer myself, I feel you should not have to do it all by yourself. You mention only yourself and your husband and so I take it from that there are no others to help share the workload. I sympathise with both of you for different reasons but feel there is an unfair responsibility on you.
As a carer, you must look after yourself as much as looking after your loved one. So it is good you have written this post as a starter to help clear the load from your mind. You are not being selfish and if you feel that way there is something wrong. What you are doing proves you are not selfish and I am sorry people are not recognising your efforts e.g. these people who ask after your husband and not ask you. I wonder who these people are because that has not been my experience. Not that I have sought it, but many people have always complimented myself and my sister for the way we look after Mum. This is not something people tend to miss and so I do wonder about your situation and whether you are surrounded by “unusual” friends and relatives.
Please stop to think about yourself. Stop doing things if you can’t cope - get some paid help as Janet suggests or don’t do it. I often leave things if I feel overwhelmed. So what if the floor doesn’t get swept or the clothes don’t get washed or the grass isn’t mowed? There is more to life.
In closing, when I first met you, I commented on your username
Now I feel this is not such a good thing. I see negative connotations in this and from the way you have been coping since your original post I wonder whether this choice of username was such a good thing. Initially, I felt it was witty or a nice play on words, but having read your post, and I really hope I am wrong about this, I wonder if you psychologically being made to feel “useless”. Like I said, I really hope I am wrong, but now I do worry why you would choose such a name.
Anyway, that is for another time.
For now, my advice to you is look after yourself.
Sorry, but my emotions are getting stronger and I feel I must continue.
The above is all the positives about your husband - how he has made an amazing recovery, back at work, leading a large sales team …
Why do you feel awful? I am sorry, but he seems to have it all (I appreciate this is very simplistic and naieve of me as a non-stroke survivor) but this is not right.
Is it possible you are being taken advantage of?
Does he refuse to do his share of work in his job? Does he tell his sales team he can’t do this or that and expect them to do it?
Does he tell them, he feels tired and fatigued?
I do sympathise with stroke survivors and I now feel bad and awful for saying this, but you @Useless need to have a serious look at what is going on here? It seems to me this is one way traffic and even I don’t feel comfortable.
I very much hope I am wrong and have got the wrong end of the stick.
Please forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, but I very much dislike injustice and unfair practices. Life can be tough and sometimes we make things difficult for ourselves, but there has to be limits …
[In case of confusion, you may have to scroll back up to read the start of my [very] personal response]
I wish you the reader, all the best and I thank you for allowing me to express my views.
@Useless Firstly I would like to say you are not being selfish. Stroke affects all those around the individual and not just the individual themselves.
As someone who had a stroke and has returned to work I can understand how exhausting this will be for your husband & why he might not be able to do things at home after being at work. That was one of the reasons I decided to work part time rather than full time on my return.
Does your husband have any adjustments in place at work that might make things a little easier for him? Something to explore if not as that might give him a bit more energy for stuffat home.
One thing I do after work is rest for an hour so I am then able to help my husband a bit. I have been back at work 3 years now & the things I am able to do at home have gradually increased over that time but I am still not able to do all I used to. I do things in small chunks & spread over days rather than crammed into one night.
Are there things he could help with (might not be things he used to do)? Peel the potatoes, veg etc? Maybe a teeny bit of dusting. It all helps ease your load. Leave some jobs. Cleaning doesn’t need to be done as often as we think. Could you pay someone to do the housework / so the garden? Batch cooking once a month so jn the week you just have to heat meals up rather than cook from scratch? Are there any aids you could put in place so he is able to help more?
I know he doesn’t want to hear it but you need to tell him how exhausted you are. Find a way to make him listen. After all if you collapse with exhaustion then he will have no choice but to do things.
Keep talking on here. We might not be able to solve things for you but talking does help.
I don’t know if this will help but Different Strokes have a free webinar on relationships after stroke. May be worth joining if you can.
I can get exactly where you are coming from. It’s nearly 3 years since my husband stroke that left him without speech and use of his right side.
He tries hard and made good progress in a lot of areas but he still has communication issues and limited mobility with a stick.
We used to be partners in every aspect of home improvement , made every decision together and life was so sweet!
I am mentally tired . I work full time and then get home to start again. I don’t mind and I am thankful that we are still together but I think a crow stuck behind the fire place has tipped me over the edge this week.
This is one of the things Lee would have sorted and it wouldn’t have turned into the crisis that this did.
It’s just making all of the decisions all of the time - it’s hard.
I don’t think friends and family truly see how hard it is, when they only see a snapshot of things going well.
I am just having a moan and probably tomorrow will return to dynamic wife/homeowner/problem solver and key decision maker.
Feel free to come here and moan. I think we all try to show a positive face to friends and family and sometimes need a safe space to scream our frustration.
When’s the last time you had a health check with full bloods drawn? I think that’s your first port of call. You sound run down, worn down, run ragged and you need to have yourself checked before you go bang! Book yourself a double appointment with your gp and this all out with them, leave nothing out because they can be the signs and symptoms of many things that are the lead up to such things as diabetes, nutrient deficiency, poor kidney function, heart/bp, etc, to name but a few. It doesn’t matter if you had a checkup just a couple months ago, you should still get a checkup. If you are on say bp medication, then that might need adjusting. If you’ve recently just started a new medication, that too could be having adverse side effects affecting your stamina and emotional wellbeing.
You only have you to lookout for your health, the gardening and dusting can wait. You have to look after number one and that is you! Yes, you lead much of your life as a single person, that can and will improve further over the coming years.
I always felt my hubby was like a single parent dad, me being the stroke survivor. I couldn’t do much, couldn’t speak, could feel emotions, I was numb. Couldn’t feel excitement or worry or concern, sympathy, love, hate, absolutely nothing. But I was very conscious of that and how that could affect my family so I faked them a lot of the time. They are more back to normal now but it has taken the 5 years of my recovery to creep back in.
This is very interesting for me and I would like to explore a little further. If I am not mistaken, the issue here is that @Useless 's husband is not willing or able to discuss the effect of looking after him as well as all the household chores is having on her (Mrs. Useless).
If hubby won’t talk about this, then how does this issue get resolved?
Mrs. Useless may or may not be suffering from exhaustion, but if she is unable to engage hubby in a discussion what will she do? Have a breakdown?
It sounds harsh for me to say this, but I’ll risk the wrath and be blunt - is hubby using his stroke as an excuse to not do any household chores?
I ask again, how does he deal with issues in his workplace? If he issues at home, how is he coping at work?
I recall that post-stroke, a holiday was planned - a visit to Greece. Did that take place? How did he cope with that?
It may not be deliberate, but is it the case that Mrs. Useless is being taken advantage of?
I am just trying to understand why hubby always shuts down the topic and how @Useless can move forward. Maybe the solution is to down tools?
Just a mad thinking out loud to try to understand something I clearly have no idea about, but which is hitting me hard, just to read the post.
