I’ve been in a relationship for well over 10 years, have a house together (no kids). Our relationship hasn’t been great for a few years now and over the past 18 months or so I have wanted to sell our house and go our separate ways. My partner was not accepting this or ready to cooperate. Around 3 months ago they had a stroke and are still in a rehab unit. Their memory has been badly affected (both long term and short term) - I don’t even know what they remember about our relationship.
They don’t have friends and only 1 family member who doesn’t live nearby. I’m visiting regularly but finding it very difficult as they don’t really talk to me much (I don’t think this is necessarily to do with me but not completely sure). I’m happy to visit, take in things they need etc. but really struggling to know how to deal with this long term. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? My stress levels are through the roof right now
Hi @Elaine welcome to the community. Sorry to hear of the difficult situation you find yourself in right now. This must be extra difficult given the way your relationship was before your partner had their stroke. It isn’t something that I have been through myself so I’m not really able to advise.
I suspect the conversation difficulties you are having are as much to do with the stroke as anything else. I know I found holding conversations extremely tiring after my stroke.
With regards to the relationship my best advice would be that at the appropriate time you have the conversation with them about how you’re feeling. As difficult as it may be my own view is that people shouldn’t stay together just because of someone else’s ill health as this in the longer term will just cause more and more issues and will not be good for either of you.
I wish you well and hope that things get sorted for you very soon.
Hi Elaine, sorry to hear the news of your partner but do wish them well for their recovery and hope they get well soon.
In terms of your situation I have no experience but would still advocate self - care for you as well. Yes your relationship may well have already been about to end - sadly in life this does happen so does stroke but it should not compel you to remain together it’s not callous or uncaring to end a relationship when it is over. I have a lifelong friend who called their wedding off 48 hours before realising going through with it would make two people miserable, it was hard but to this day both are on good terms and have had moved to successful stable relationships.
Your partner has that closer family member perhaps talk with them, if you make things clear this relationship is dead already before the stroke occurred surely it would be better all round especially since your stressed so much by this already. You are not simply cutting and running.
I’m sorry to hear of your partners stroke and the difficulties you’ve been facing.
I’m sure some of our members will be along to offer advice on this and perhaps some that have been in similar situations. I can see you’ve posted this in the relationship category, it may be worth having a scroll through that category to see if there is anything in there which is similar to your circumstances if you haven’t already. You could also use the in the top right corner to search using key words.
I hope you’ll find this community helpful. If you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community, please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.
Thank you. The family member has been aware of the situation since before the stroke, which is probably fortunate. There’s so much uncertainty at the moment about recovery time etc. it’s very hard to know what to do for the best tbh.
Hello @Elaine - Welcome to the community which hopefully you will find supportive and which may help answer questions you are struggling to answer.
I find sometimes that I can answer my own questions just by asking them on this forum and talking about it. Questions about relationships can be tricky as there are personal elements and each relationship is unique. That said, there are commonalities and by listening to others you may get a better understanding of you feel about your own relationship.
I note @mrs5k and @Jbob have both given what I consider to be very good advice. I can echo pretty much all they have said and in particular, no one should stay in a relationship that has ended. I appreciate things have changed due to the stroke incident, but this does not have to affect the way you should deal with the issue. It may prove to be difficult because of the fact your partner was unwilling to accept your view or to cooperate. Potentially, this could get messy and there may even be legal and financial implications, but at the end of the day, it’s your life and it’s your choice.
This about it carefully and seek any advice you feel you need and then make your choice. It’s your life and it’s your choice.
This has happened to my very good friend too and I will tell you what I told her - do not stay. Work on an exit plan, it is not your responsibility to care for them if you wanted out of the relationship before their stroke. The point is that the relationship had ended. I understand it may be difficult to leave and explain to them why, but you are not helping them or yourself by staying, you do not owe this person a lifetime of care and servitude, you owe yourself a good life too and you must put yourself first! This is very important. Staying will only breed resentment and they will not understand this. Allow yourselves both to move on. If they have no family or friends to help care for them, then the state will do it. I do not know the circumstances but please do not trap yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in.
Hi again Elaine sorry for the delay in responding but @Fallenleaf makes a lot of sense about an exit plan for you both. I’m glad that the family member knows as this may help in terms of no over reaction on that side. If you are planning that exit and fell it is only fair on you both as each have new lives to build.
I think if the property is to be sold/ divided get a solicitor or lawyer each I would assume your partner would have family to advocate for them and begin that process, contact social services too so they can assist partner and their family plan for their future. Things like local housing and hospital social workers can assist partner to be ready for their next phase giving you both time and space to work on your own it’s not being cruel, it’s saving future pain for you both. Living in resentment will bring a lot more anxiety, pressures then ultimately hate and loathing for you both.
Wish you and your partner both well for the future.
Welcome to the community, I’m sorry to hear about your stroke.
It sounds like physically you’ve recovered well but are struggling with the hidden effects a stroke can leave you with. We have some information on fatigue and other hidden effects on our website which may help you to have a read through.
I’m sorry to hear about your relationship, it’s difficult when there is a strain in your relationship when you’re recovering from stroke. There have been some conversations around this on the forum so you may want to have a look at those. You can search using the in the top right corner. I’m sure some of our other members will be along shortly to offer advice on this too.
I hope you’ll find this community helpful for your recovery. If you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community, please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.
I am sorry if my comment came across as harsh @Elaine ifei I upset you then I am very sorry, it was not my intention. Unfortunately I have seen too many strong and wonderful women sacrifice too much. If you ever want to talk or for someone to listen, I would be glad to lend an ear. Big hugs to you
It’s ok - you haven’t upset me. It’s what pretty much everyone I speak to is telling me. I’m still in ‘limbo’ right now as partner is currently back in hospital - and looks like they are unlikely to be fit for discharge anytime soon tbh. I’m trying hard to be nice to myself - never been very good at that tbh.
in the top right corner to search using key words.
