Feeling helpless

Hi everyone hope you are all ok I have been a bit down the past couple of days my husband is in rehab before that hospital he is doing well but now has a chest infection and for the past week keeps saying want to come home I saw the sister at the hospital and now am waiting for a social worker to contact me I have said to my husband I have told them all that you want to come home he seems to think I don’t want him home I no he has memory problems and speech how do I try to get him to understand I am doing everything I can for him I no he says things he doesn’t mean to me we have been married 45 years please how do I get around this he seems so down and now it’s getting to me I come out the sit in my car and cry I am normally strong I am sorry everyone but I no this site helps a lot of stroke victims and carers.

4 Likes

We all have low moments. Just remember the good times and hold on. The bad times will pass. Hugs from me. Xx

4 Likes

Just keep reassuring him that he will be home soon, take time for yourself. I get very angry and frustrated with my husband, but I know he is trying his best to look after me. He and you are doing a great job, just remember to be kind to you x

3 Likes

I have quite a bit of both professional and personal experience with caring for those who are ill. I now have a large bit of experience of being the one cared for. When we are ill, we are so overwhelmed with emotions swirling around…gratefulness that someone cares enough to be there, frustration that we need someone, anger that we can’t do as we please, including when we get to eat, drink, use the bathroom, sadness over what we have lost, fear of having to depend on someone else and what will happen next, and what about bills, and am I going to die?

In every instance I have been through either as caretaker or patient, we are the hardest on the ones we love the most, or who love us the most. We know they will be there. I am glad you know he doesn’t mean some of the things he is saying. All those feelings at once confuse how we say what we really want to convey. Most especially in people who have a hard time sharing feelings, or feel they should be responsible for the caretaker instead of the other way around.

I am sending my love your way, and my prayers that things will start getting better very soon. I hope you have some support, both here and in person through family, friends, other carers, hospital social worker.

5 Likes

@Mummydearest1956 it’s such a hard situation to deal with & i really feel for you. For now I think you just have to keep telling him you are doing everything you can but you have to ensure he will be safe at home.

Hold on to the fact that it isn’t him talking. It’s the situation youboth dins yourself in. My dad was the same when he was very poorly & as much as it hurt we just kept telling ourselves it wasn’t dad talking.

Cry as much as you need to. It’s good to release it.

Stay strong. Sending you love & hugs.

Ann
:heart::heart::hugs::hugs:

2 Likes

@beks just wanted to say hi & welcome to the forum. Sorry you’ve had cause to join us but it’s a good place to be.

Best wishes

Ann x

2 Likes

Here’s one little piece of practical advice I can give. Don’t just pay lip service to all you are doing to get him home. Include him in those efforts to get him home by giving him visuals and asking his opinions. Make him feel like he still matters.

Take pics of the various rooms in your house, with pics of adaptions that have been made/to be made, even in the shower/bath/toilet. Study the pics with him and ask for his input. Discuss how he will be able to traverse his home, ask him things like, if he thinks a certain piece of furniture that could do with being moved out of his way…even if it’s just a door mate.
Bring a disability catalogue along with you to leave with him, so you can both discuss anything in it he might find useful or just handy to have around with his current disability. There are all sorts of visuals you can provide to assure him that he is coming home and that’s where you want him to be!

Discuss his home coming; how he’ll be so tired will just want to rest that first day…or 3 :wink: Talk about how you’ll have to try to keep visitors to a minimum for a few days because it’ll probably take a lot out of him. Ask what special meal he would like to celebrate his homecoming. If you bake, tell you’re going to bake him a cake for the big day…or buy one. There are lots of positive confirmations like that you can make to help reassure him.

12 weeks in hospital and now rehab must feel like a lifetime to him, is it really any wonder he’s so anxious to get home. Just 5 days in hospital felt like that for me!
This is not the end of the world, just a new way of life you will adapt to, a new beginning!

And you need family or friends to give you hugs and just listen. You need that and I wish I could give you a hug but we’re going to have to settle for virtual ones :hugs: :people_hugging: :people_hugging: :people_hugging:

Edit:

If he is strong enough to hurt you, then he’s also strong enough to be corrected. You are not a robot, you are human and your mental and physical health are equally important…for both of you. Don’t be afraid to remind him of that, as many times as is needed. :wink:

5 Likes

Hi @beks just want to welcome you to the forum, look forward to chatting
with you. :smile:

1 Like

WOW! You really think of everything. I didn’t realize until you put it in writing how much that would have helped. I came home with everything in different place, not knowing where any of my stuff was, still finding it a year later. It contributed to feeling out of control, didn’t feel as much like home as I had hoped. Not having control over anything was a bit scary. I did insist on a high chair for the commode, that could also be used bedside if necessary. They told me I wouldn’t need it but I know I would have been stuck on the commode for a few months without it. No I didn’t need it long, and it was an extra expense, but it was the most helpful to me. Finally a little control! Thank you for your post!

2 Likes

It’s all about reassurance and security of the familiar. You need that when you’ve been through so much and in an emotionally vulnerable state. A little positive reassurance goes a long and is also good for the health, both mentally and physically, and keep the surprises good ones :wink:

2 Likes

Hi @beks
Welcome from me too :slight_smile:

1 Like

@DeAnn @EmeraldEyes and all posters
that’s really great advice!

It’s what makes these forums so valuable

@Mummydearest1956 I think the only thing left to emphasize is to seek out carer support groups & services and take what’s offered. I know my wife has found talking to others helpful. She now runs a SA online carers cafe via https://bit.ly/StrokeCaresCafe 13:30 every other thu next one 22nd June

3 Likes

Here is another forum from Carers UK, called Carers Connect, similar to this forum but for help and support for carers, even new hobby suggestions you can take up as a break for yourself. You might find a lot of useful advice and support on there too. Not used it myself but from what I’ve read so far, it may be of great benefit to you.

1 Like

Hi and welcome to this forum. Just wanted to add something to the brilliant advice and words of wisdom offered by the contributors here.

Another website you might find useful is www.Stroke4carers which offers lots of advice and information in an easy straightforward way.

Take care of yourself and I wish both you and your husband well in his recovery going forward.

Regards Sue

3 Likes

@Susan_Jane
Thanks
The full URL is
https://www.stroke4carers.org/

2 Likes

Sorry to hear your husband had a stroke. It’s going to be a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for both of you from now on. I had my stroke 9 years ago, but can remember how I felt as if it was yesterday. I felt frustration, sorrow and anger and my husband bore the brunt of it. He had to do things around the house, that he hadn’t done before (after getting almost raw pizza a couple of times I had to explain he had to warm up the oven BEFORE putting the pizza in). This emotional turmoil will ease eventually (possibly with the help of medication?). Give it time. Speak to your GP maybe. Get as much support as you can for both of you. Services can sometimes be a bit backward in coming forward. Be prepared to shout when you need help!

3 Likes

Prayers and hugs and i am Stroke victim also

2 Likes

Listen go ahead and cry it’s tough and also your husband is struggling it’s a process and not always easy xxx

3 Likes

Also don’t forget you both have fears he knows you want him home but he is probably wanting to run away his emotions all over the place x

2 Likes

I feel same way about my emotions

1 Like