I went and saw a psychotherapist last week, it was difficult, it’s even hard to write about, so I will be brief. It’s one thing to retrain the brain to dissect and fathom objective information again, or retrain the brain to follow instructions, or summarise the particulars of something … but it is a whole world of mental fatigue to think about the the way I think and analyse my emotional past. So, as I said goodbye to the psychotherapist, I told him I was going to walk up to a doughnut cafe and have a coffee and doughnut. I had passed the cafe on the way to the psychotherapist and bookmarked it in my mind. Below is what I ate, admittedly, I only ate two and took the other two home to share.
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Pity, I can’t eat them. If I could, I would.
They look lovely (heavy sigh)…
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I think so. Have another next week. We’ll see how it goes. If anything, I have approached it with the aim to take away skills to minimise emotional disruption.
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I could not find therapy when I most needed it, but you all were here and it has made all the difference. I hope you will find it very helpful. One thing I have learned is that hiding my feelings is not the same as dealing with them. They are less likely to come out in a negative way if I think about why I feel the way I feel and speak to someone about it, most especially the specific person if there is one involved, and to carefully choose how I present it. I can’t yell at my caretaker that they should just know how I feel and what I want, when I keep telling her I don’t need anything and I am doing fine, when the real problem is that I am angry I can’t drive myself to see some friends or just get out of the house and that I am lonely. At the moment I will think I should be angry after all these years of taking care of her and everyone else at home, figuring out what they need and want, and that is the way you take care of someone…asking questions, watching for clues, paying attention to likes, dislikes, minor things mentioned. She has never had to take care of me before, and I am certainly not the only one she has to take care of. The point was, in the analyzing, you are learning to consider other possibilities while also considering yourself as well as the others around you. Too often it goes too far left or right of center…either you are blowing up at someone else, crying in defeat or overlooking your own needs to keep from making waves . Confronting your feelings is a good thing. You are and encouraged to give them the space to be. Even negative feelings can be good for us…crying is a release, anger or annoyance often help us find the way to get our needs met. Without sadness, would we recognize our joys? To calm down, I like the one hand trick…five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste. (five fingers to remember it).
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A very sincere post, DeAnn, thank you for that.
Also, a lovely tip about the 5 senses
Glad to feel your presence, again,
ciao, Roland
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Thanks, Rups
Do share what you have learned
ciao, Roland
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@Rups i hope you found the session useful. It must have been difficult but you did it. And after that I think you earned a doughnut or 3. 
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I dare say psychotherapy pulls a lot out of you, and it can be a tough journey. I can see why you’d need those delicious looking doughnuts afterwards. I hope that the journey leads you to a much calmer place
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I wouldn’t dream of judging you, but your doughnuts are a different matter.
The cup of coffee and the box of treats next to it look like excellent compensation for any ordeal.
I wouldn’t blame you for returning for more.
Four more??
Oh yes.
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P.S. Send doughnuts, please! --Since you have made us all crave them.
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God, those doughnuts look good. I would have eaten them in all in one go, I’m afraid. They are one of my favorite things sweets to eat. And then the coffee with them – it doesn’t get much better.
I hope you get the needed help, Rups.
Keep us updated, and tell us what you learn.
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Shwmae Simon,
I’ve had my third session now and just warming up to the process. My main objective is to discover means to tamper my temper. Since stroke, I have a shorter fuse and find that if I can’t understand why something is happening, it rattles me. I’ve practiced CBT before and Mindfulness, but this a whole new level of digging that can be extremely exhausting. My at times clumsy and obsessive, stroked brain finds revisiting woeful memories to be challenging to say the least.
The psychotherapist I am seeing, practices emotion-focused therapy. As you may be aware, I had a cerebellar stroke, and the cerebellum behaves as an emotional integrator for the cerebrum. It is likely that there are a few sparks in my emotional circuitry. Before stroke, I would have described myself as a fairly balanced emotional chap, I could cry, I could laugh, I got angry when needed, and I felt I grasped all the emotional nuances with sufficient pragmatism. After stroke, I developed a blunted emotional response for quite some time, and then my emotions began to become more manic. That’s where I am at, at the moment.
The day after each session, I have found that I am completely drained.
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Our emotions can leave us so, so tired. Feeling certain emotions is terribly exhausting.
Are your panic attacks any better? Are you still on the anti-depressant?
It’s okay not to be okay - you’re human.
Take good care of yourself.
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Shwmae Matthew,
I haven’t had full-blown panics for three years now. Citalopram has taken care of that for me, and it is interesting because I can feel how it suppresses them. So, I get to the verge of a panic beginning but it doesn’t follow through. It’s an intriguing sensation, but I still have Lorazepam in reserve in case I’m having a particularly nasty time of things. I have to differentiate, before stroke, I didn’t have anxiety, just panic attacks. So, I had a panic disorder. After stroke, I have had bouts of anxiety but I suspect they are med related and not because I feel anxious. Part of my panic disorder, I describe as having an existential crisis where I feel trapped in life. So, as opposed to being trapped in a confined space, I feel trapped in the linearity of life. It’s a macabre feeling.
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Ditto, I admit to having doughnuts often for pudding, and can’t help myself picking up a pack from the shops when I am out. I don’t think I have ever turned down a doughnut. 
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them doughnuts look very nice, i wish i could eat them
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Thanks for updating me.
I very much relate to your being “trapped in linearity of life.”
What’s your favorite doughnut?
Take good care, friend.
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I very much relate to your comments to Matthew. I take Duloxitine for anxiety and depression. I may need to up the dose soon as it isn’t working as well as it was with the depression. I feel on the verge often. The not following through part is beginning to fail me.
I have high hopes for your therapy and most especially for you and for your family. I feel as if I and likely you, have been through the gamut of emotions…anger, sadness, pain, apathy, empathy…annoyance seems to be the one I most often feel, but for awhile the apathy and the anger fell into that category.
I know this therapy must be very hard, and sharing how it is going, as well. I hope that you will find it very helpful, and that others who need it will as well. I gave up trying to find a therapist. If I happen upon one, I want who does the type of therapy you are going to.
I have been using self taught CBT and do find it helpful, but I think a bit of talk therapy would be even more helpful.
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Favourite doughnut? Hmmm, tricky question, I could eat the sugar coated ones all day but tend to switch between custard filled and jam filled, but like them warmed through. Don’t buy the icing ones but wouldn’t knock one back if offered. The pumpkin spice one I tried from the doughnut cafe was delicious.
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An eclair or churro I would say.