I feel guilty on so many levels and wondered if this was a natural feeling?
I feel guilty that I didn’t press her to go to the doctors when she complained of headaches and of being spaced out. I feel guilty of not getting her to go when she started to forget words or struggle with language, and now I feel guilty that I can’t be at her side everyday because I just can’t get to the hospital everyday to see her (live rurally, don’t drive at the moment etc)
I feel like I’ve let her down so badly, despite the fact that shes got so much else going on and I’ve hounded doctors for months on her behalf to sort those other matters out. I feel I have done so much, but not the right things? If that makes sense?
It’s very natural to feel guilty when something bad happens to a loved one, even if we’re not to blame. We want to protect them, to do the best for them, and it’s normal to wonder whether we could have done more. I can’t answer that, but I would suggest that you try to focus on what you can do now rather than what you did or didn’t do then. Your partner faces some enormous challenges and is going to need you to support her. From reading your previous post I know that you face your own difficulties and you’re going to need all your strength to overcome those, so putting the feelings of guilt aside might help you have the bandwidth to do what you need for her. It may not be all that you want to do, but removing some of the negatives will increase what you can do.
You said previously that your partner is also your carer. Maybe you need to think of this as the start of a new chapter where you will care for each other? It will be hard work, but it sounds like a pretty good partnership to me.
Feeling guilty is natural but I am sure you did all you could. Your partner could have sought help too. We do have to take responsibility for ourselves too.
As @harimanjaro has said you need to forget about what has gone. You can’t change that and it will just eat you up inside. Focus on what you can do for her now. She will understand you can’t be there every day. She knows about your needs too and these are important as well.
Take this as a new beginning and move forward one day at a time. The fact that you feel this way means you care about her a lot. Use that energy to move forward.
I think that what you are feeling is completely normal and I would be surprised if any Stroke Survivor didn’t feel the guilt in respect of the impact that their stroke has had on their partner and family
If I started making a list of all the things that I feel guilty for that my wife has to do, I would be here all day and still not have a complete list; from the smallest of things like her always-having toanswerthe door when someone is knocking; to the larger things like her having to be my carer 24/7 whilst still working full time
Sorry if my reply was a bit bald but the past is the past and we can’t change it. I’ve lost sleepless nights thinking of mistakes I made. We can do something about the present. Good luck!
Guilt’s the most natural feeling in the world when a loved one has a major health crisis. That doesn’t mean you did anything to deserve it. It sounds like you advocated well for your partner about the issues that seemed most urgent at the time.
Personally I’m here because my mother had a stroke 5 months ago and I felt guilty all the time, still do. (Most of all for not making a fuss when I thought her breathing sounded strange, because I didn’t want to delay her transfer to the rehab ward - and the next day she turned out to have a massive pulmonary embolism which needed emergency surgery. And that’s not the only questionable decision I made because frankly I was out of my depth as next-of-kin and a lot more used to Mum taking care of me, even though I’m middleaged.) The good news is, she made an amazing recovery and has been back home for nearly 3 months now. Still trying to convince her to post on the forum herself, which she’d be cognitively and physically capable of but social media has never been her scene.
I hope your partner also recovers and that you can enjoy many more years together. But if, God forbid, anything bad does happen, please know that it’s not your fault. Many people much more competent than me did everything possible for their loved ones, and it didn’t always guarantee a good outcome if the stroke was severe. Your partner knows how much you care and support her and that will bring her comfort. She wouldn’t want you to make yourself suffer.
Wonderful post @Amanirenas - you answer the question very well
We do what we believe to be right at the time based on the circumstances and information at hand. That is the right thing to do at the time though the outcome may not be what you might expect or hope for. Also, we must not bear all the weight of the action or decision as the recipient (Mum, partner or other loved one) also do have an input whether it is direct or indirect.
Please do try to encourage your Mum to join us - I feel she would add much value to this community
As I tried to explain before, these things only appear to be questionable with the benefit of hindsight. They are not necessarily questionable at the time. We are only human after all
