Hi, my dad lives alone. He had a stroke last year. I am in my 40s, single, no kids. Live with my mum, who is divorced from my dad. I have chronic health conditions/disability and am an ambulatory wheelchair user. I moved back in with my mum when my chronic illness started, and I was also assessed for having social care needs in my own right, even though it never materialised. My dad had a stroke last year, and he returned to living on his own after a one-month hospital stay. He has no support, just me. I go three times a week, but it’s increasingly difficult- especially the physical tasks and no one else has offered. Dad looks physically okay (although he has problems with his feet), but not mentally. Needs help cleaning up his place. Had stroke rehab for a few weeks, but they didnt do anything. Social care came in for a week after discharge, but because he said he doesnt need anything, they didnt do anything practical and left. Eventually got a social worker-not seen the written assessment but they said he will have to possibly pay for carer to go in prompt him to have a shower but its the cleaning thats the real issue- social worker said they will put that on notes but dad doesnt want to pay, he has no money anyway and couldnt deal with stress (very paranoid) of new people coming in for few minutes at a time. The stroke association support coordinator came round after I requested, who pointed out they are a signposting service and gave me the number of adult social care and suggested we call move in together- my mum can’t even stand him being round for a cup of tea in her house, whereas before stroke he used to come round once a week- that would of at least alleviated some pressure. He has a large family, but nothing-when in hospital, three brothers did visit him, and one brother did put up some curtains and have him round for a cup of tea a couple of weeks after coming home, but since then nothing. Bit lost now. Leicester UK- what do others do???
Would getting him a weekly cleaner be enough support for him? Or even fortnightly. At least it would be the same person coming in.
- Would realistically need 3 times per week. That’s £20 x 3.
- He won’t pay for it even if did have the money
- He’s so paranoid even if 1. And 2 is possible it just wouldn’t work in reality and he would be so wound up probably cause another stroke.
- Even if number 1-3 dealt with, cleaner would come in and he would say " I’ll do it" and cleaner would leave but he can’t really do it.
- Hope all that makes sense . P.s there is an issue getting a consistent good cleaner too which maybe a point 6 and other points.
Sounds like between a rock and hard place, he won’t let people he doesn’t know in, won’t pay for services anyway and family aren’t stepping in. What about friends? Does he have friends who could swing by and do a little housework? By cleaning, are we talking about hoovering, washing up et cetera or DIY maintenance stuff? Has he been encouraged to make his life more manageable when it comes to housework? I’m not suggesting a vacuum robot but putting into place things that reduce the load of cleaning that needs to be done?
An example might be to have only two mugs, and one set of knife and fork, and one plate. That is just a way of simplifying something like washing up. I only have enough for what I will actually use when it comes to kitchen stuff.
Thanks Rups
- He has no friends and even if he did he wouldn’t let them do housework
- Yes basics housework. He does need DIY stuff but he won’t spend any on that as he sees that councils responsibility. So just basic consistent housework hoovering, mopping, washing up, cleaning bathroom, bed. Letting some air in place. Also other stuff errands and calling checking, paperwork, appointments.
- Yes made everything as simple as possible in that regards. He had no fuctionable kitchen when first discharged so I brought him fridge freezer, washing machine, microwave etc which has somewhat helped.
Sounds difficult and needs some good negotiating tactics. Could you suggest you do it together? Split the tasks into ones he can do and others you’ll need to do. And work on him doing a bit more over time?
I guess the main question is: “What do people do when they are the only child with health issues and have a parent who had a stroke and lives on their own?” I’m genuinely interested, especially if their parent has had a stroke affecting the front and left temporal side of the brain. So following on from above comments- 1. Have you had a loved one who has had a stroke? 2. If so, what and who supported you apart from you and the person who had the stroke? and what kind of stroke was it
Hello @EmmaA and welcome to the forum.
Having read your post, I feel you have already answered your own question or to put it another way, if I had submitted the post you have, you would respond with the answer that you already know 
Whilst there are similarities and we can generalise, each one of us and each member of this forum have their unique needs, ways of doing things, outlook on life, expectations etc. etc. We come on this forum and we look for answers and sometimes people say things that we might relate to or which we might think answers the question we are asking and other times we are left wondering …
I am not an only child and don’t have any [significant] health issues but I have been caring for my parents for much of my adult life and most recently I have cared for my Mum who had a severe stroke that left 3/4 or her brain damaged, right side paralysis and aphasia. However, this in itself would be nothing that others can relate to because there are so many factors that affects the care a person needs and that is were you have to look at the individual cared for persons care needs and plan accordingly.
Though I am not an only child, and I have to say I am pleased I was assisted by my siblings when it came to caring for Mum, but I have seen families where a parent (living alone) has needed care, had more than one child but not one of them took on the carer role. They outsourced it to the social services or in other examples they got private carers. So this is a choice people make whether they are the only child or a number of children. Some will want to care for their parents, others will not. I can’t comment on that because it is a choice people make and they have their reasons for doing so.
What matters is:
- what would you like to do and how capable are you of doing this. If you’d like to do something, but can’t do it for whatever reason, you have to accept that and then come up with a way to work around that
- what does the cared for (Dad in your case) want? Do they want help or are they capable of doing things for themselves - this doesn’t have to be the standards you would like, it is how they would like. If Dad is happy doing things for himself and he only wants to vacuum once a week, so be it. It’s his choice. The only consideration here is if you are his carer (because he can’t care for himself or won’t care for himself) and there are potential safeguarding issues regarding his health and wellbeing then his wishes may have to be overridden. But this would normally happen if they are deemed to be incapable of making their own decisions. The Mental Health Act etc. come into play and it is not easy to start “acting on behalf of someone” if they are deemed to have the capacity.
I know you have made it clear you want specific answers to the questions you are asking and I I know that is not what I am doing and for that I can only apologise. All I can say in closing is that it seems to me you are trying to do things for your Dad as you would like to see him live rather than how he himself likes to live. I accept that since I don’t know the details, I could be way off the mark here but as at now this is what I have to offer
- You have to know your limitations and accept there is only so much you can do.
- Dad should be allowed to choose how he wishes to live
- Social services have done an assessment and they have decided he doesn’t need help (or if he does he is capable of asking for it?)
- If care is needed (his care needs will have been assessed and a care plan put in place as a condition of his discharge from hospital). If he has been discharged home, then someone must have determined he can look after himself or they will have provided suitable carers to help.
- Care affordability - this is again something that is assessed as part of care planning and financial help is available for those who cannot support themselves (I am not suggesting it is necessarily fair) but not being able to pay for care does not mean you can’t have care.
- Depending on age, PIP or Attendance Allowance is available for those who are deemed to need it/qualify for it
- As carer, you could possibly qualify for Carers Allowance which could then go towards paying for cleaners etc.
Ultimately, it seems to me it’s Dad’s choice and if he doesn’t want help it will be very difficult to get him help.
Cautionary warning
Private care or even social service carers are not always the easiest people to work with. Some of them are not interested on doing this job and do it out of necessity and so they won’t necessarily behave in a professional manner and they can drop you at the drop of a hat.
A few things to think about or not if you feel this is way off the track wrt to what you are looking for.
In closing, I would suggest this is not about an only child (adult) wanting to care for their parent, it is about a carer (you) wanting to care for a loved one (your Dad) and to answer this, you may have to sit down and write things down. Maybe do a list of pros and cons and then see how you can move forward.
I wish you success.
Namaste|
Hi ManjiB, It’s good to see how the forum is a great place, having seen your extensive use of this forum, and I’m glad such a place has helped you and others- are you a regular person like me using the site or an official representative/staff/volunteer of the Stoke Association? All the best, emma
Hi @EmmaA
Welcome to the community, I’m sorry to hear about your dads stroke and the difficulties you’re facing at the moment. It sounds like you’re in a really hard situation. I hope you’ll find this community helpful as you navigate through this time.
Whenever you feel ready, we do have some information about caring for yourself whilst also caring for others, this may help to have a read through.
If you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community, please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.
Anna
Hi Emma - Thank you for your note.
Yes, I believe this forum is truly amazing and it offers all sorts of things to all sorts of people. I joined the forum initially looking for help to try to deal with difficulties I was facing as carer for my Mum. In the early days I struggled to get help from anywhere but at some point we had a visit from someone from the Stroke Association and they were the best thing that happened to us as they were so understanding and gave us a few pointers. Just the fact they were willing to listen was such a huge comfort to us because until then we felt no one was interested in what we were facing.
After a while I started to post on this forum and slowly things started to move and I got to meet a few members on this forum who are very supportive, knowledgeable and generous with their time. I found this forum offered me respite from the intensity of my role as carer and I found myself meeting people facing similar challenges to me and my Mum and so we decided to share our experiences. I advocated for my Mum as she was aphasic but we would talk about things and I would voice her thoughts etc. and by so doing I was speaking for my Mum and on the other hand I was speaking for myself as Carer.
I feel I have made some good friends on this forum and I have shared many things on this forum more so than I have ever done elsewhere. Being a member of this forum is similar to being at work. I interact with members of this forum as I used to when I was working. I like to share information, I like to learn from others and I like to teach and mentor others.
This forum is very diverse and as with anything there may be some members who see things the way you do and so you do need to be aware and be mindful when you meet such people. Personally, I use this forum as an outlet for me to share stuff that I feel may benefit others and also for me to just do a brain dump as there are no commitments.
I am grateful to have found this forum and to have met so many wonderful people. To answer your question, I am a member of this forum in a capacity as a carer for a stroke survivor. I am pleased I have been able to use this forum c/o the Stroke Association. My relationship with the Stroke Association is as a user/member of this forum.
I have often said that if just one person benefits from anything I have shared on behalf of my Mum or myself then I will consider that as a success and I hope this is the case. If not, I can say I certainly have found being a member of this forum a useful outlet to get a break from being a 24/7 unpaid carer.
I wish you and your Dad all the best