Unsure and afraid

Hi my mum had a stroke 8 weeks ago. The hospital has asked me and my two brothers where we would like mum to go after discharge. My mum needs 24 hr care and we don't think we will be able to do that. Has anyone got any advice for us?


Hello, what sad news for you. She sounds as if the Stroke has left her quite disabled. You haven’t said whether she can communicate or not? Sometimes people are allowed home provided there are carers in place, others may need to go into residential or nursing care. Usually, social workers within the hospital system help assess patient’s needs and can advise the family. We hope things work out well for you. 

Hello Patsy - very sorry to hear of your mum's stroke.  Considering her need for 24hr care, it sounds like you need to have a well-thought out plan, no hasty decisions as there is so much to be considered.  It is a significant challenge when SS leave hospital, even when progress has been made, we think 'everything will be fine at home', but this is simplistic and wishful thinking!  There are many challenges to be overcome, so please, if you can, get as much support in place as possible before making a decision, support can drop off pretty quickly then you'll be left floundering and trying to cope.  Hopefully you won't be hurried into deciding and you will have the best possible option for your lovely mum.  

I'm sure others on this site, with more specific experience and knowledge will offer you advice, so keep checking the posts.  Possibly get in touch with the stroke association for guidance.

Best wishes to you all, stay positive and support each other, xx

Dear Patsy

So sorry to hear about Mum.

In my opinion Mum would be better off at a nursing home rather than family trying to care. If she recovers so that she can partially cope herself, then she could perhaps move home again. An early stage is when Mum can transfer unaided. 

I am not severely disabled and I could transfer unaided, be left alone overnight, and safely walk a few steps. After a few weeks I was considering placing myself in a care home. It was just too much pressure at home and I needed endless rest.

If Mum is in a home then you and your brothers can put your efforts in to visiting and having special days or hours with Mum. 

Just my opinion.

Best wishes


Just poking in my sticky-beak, to wholeheartedly agree with Colin.  He always speaks from the heart but with total common sense, and seems to find just the right phrase in tricky situations.

Hope you're able to act on his advice - Nic xx 

Hi Patsy, 

I agree with all the advice you have received so far.  I would like to add that you and your brothers must think what role you want in your mother's recovery and what is best for you all. I took on the role of my husband's carer as well as working full-time before my stroke and kept it up for nearly 3 years.  I truly believe that it contributed to me having my stroke. Doing everything resulted in me being exhausted most of the time in year 3. 

Thinking about it now I should have sorted out some help.  Which would have allowed me some me time and to be my husband's wife not just his carer a role no one else can do. The same for you and your brothers no one else can be your mother's children. You can play an important part in your mother's recovery but don't loose sight of all you are. Please learn from my mistake. 

Hope all goes well for your mother and you.

Kind Regards 



Thank you Nic. You are not doing a sticky beak. The forum is for everyone to share, even if the set up of the site is somewhat lacking. The SA are looking in to the set up.

Bless you


Wise, perceptive words xx

Thank you! Learnt the hard way xx

Hi Veronica

Thank you for you message. My mum can talk and doesn't seem to have lost any of her faculties apart from her left side. I think we are going with the plan of mum will go into a home in the first instance then look to get her home if she improves.xx

Thank you for your message. I think we are going to see if mum can go into a home in the first instance then look to get her home if she improves. Xx

Thank you for your very honest message. We are going with a care home in the first instance as I believe she needs that level of care. We will look at bringing her home in the future if she improves enough for my brothers to help with the extra care. Do you still recieve physio and speach therapy after discharge? Xx

Thank you forvyour reply Kay. I really appreciate your honest message. I am so sorry to hear you also suffered a stroke. I hope things have gotten better for you. We have made a decision that mum will go into a home in the first instance then if she improves enough we can bring her home. Xx

We found that to receive any treatment, the patient (hubby and mother) needed to be transported to the care. That is how it works in Durham and South Tyneside. Good luck, Patsy

I believe you've made the decision that is best for you all.  Your mother will have the professional care she will initially need and you can remain her children.  Age doesn't matter to parents does it.

I am 8 months post my stroke and making slow and steady progress. 

Good luck for the future! 

Hi my Dad had a stoke 10 weeks ago today.  He had limited swallow, no communication and no mobilty in his right arm or leg.  He has progressed brilliantly and now can speak to us and we understand about 90% most of the time, he can eat normal food and has movement in his right leg but can not walk yet.  We have been through lots of alternatives for the next part of his rehab, unfortunatly the best rehab centres for Dad are such a long way away, some rehab units have not accepted him because he is 'too good' and for his emotional state it has been decided that he will go home and have the early discharge team come in 5 days a week to complete physio, speech therapy and OT.  He will then have carers in 4 times a day to help Mum with transfer and toileting etc.  It is going to be a tough time for everyone but we have decided that this is best for Dad and his recovery.  This site has been amazing help to me and even though all stokes are different it has helpted me with questions that I have had.

Patsy, it is a very tough time not only for your Mum but her whole family, I am an only child so lots of this has fallen on my shoulders and I daily have to reassure my Mum that everything will be OK, make sure you talk it through with lots of people as this will help you see it clearer. Good luck...you will get there, I always say one day at a time!

Hi Sarah

That is brilliant news that your dad us making a good recovery. We would love to have mum home but the difficulty we have is she lives with my 2 brothers and I live the other side of Liverpool with my family plus I work so my help would be very limited. Hopefully mum can recover enough to use a commode but at the moment she is hoisted from the bed to a chair and is unable to sit without support. It is just the most horrendous position to be in because mum is aware of everything that is happening but doesn't quite understand it.xx

Thank you. I hope you continue my progress. Xx

Thank you! My latest achievement is to drive my car. Only for 10 minutes on 2 separate occasions. On small local roads.  But without any problems so I was very pleased.  

I know every stroke is different, but all I can say is there is so much hope if your Mum is aware of what is going on, as long as she stays positive and keeps trying then she has every chance of improving.  My Dads improvements have been steady over the last 10 weeks which is quite unusual considering how complex his needs were, he is still incontinent and wears pads but they are sending him home with a comode and this will be the priorty when he first comes home.  I also work full time and find it hard to fit in visits, keeping Mum on track and running my house and sorting my family, lots of balls to juggle.  Dad is so please that he is coming home, we are just praying that he continues with his improvements and doesnt give up just because he is home and that was his goal.  Onwards and upward, here if you need to sound off!!