Two strokes, a cancer and a blood disorder

[emren80]

Hi all.

I am reaching out because I feel incredibly lonely.

After 67 years of more or less never having to go and see a doctor, let alone visit a hospital, my husband has spent most of 2025 recovering from:

• 1st stroke in January
• Diagnosed blood disorder
• Loss of a finger at home using a circular saw
• A hernia
• Recently diagnosed renal cancer
• And two weeks ago: another small stroke.

I feel lonely mainly because his way of coping is to not talk about it. He underplays everything and therefore I worry about everything. He doesn’t want to tell his medical team about the most recent stroke because he is scared they will delay his emergency surgery to remove his kidney. We know it’s another stroke as his limp is much worse suddenly, his memory has taken a toll and he can’t really write anymore either - within the same day. I have read on the NHS website that not telling doctors about this latest stroke could be very dangerous as there could be a significant bleed during surgery. I am sure they won’t delay the operation as it is urgent and at least they would be prepared if they were told. But he just doesn’t want to take the risk.

It’s very hard feeling alone.

I don’t find it helpful talking to « healthy » people because I am a little fed up with « stay strong » « don’t think about the future, focus on the now ». All these very positive phrases have their places but sometimes I just want someone to hug me and tell me it’s okay and normal to feel anxious.

Anyone out there with a spouse who doesn’t communicate very well? How do you deal with it?

and how would you deal with him not wanting to tell his medical team about his second stroke?

[Mrs5K]

Hi @emren80 & welcome to the community. Firstly, I am sending you a hug.

It sounds like your husband is dealing with a lot & subsequently you are too. It must be so difficult when he won’t talk about it either.
My husband is a but like that and after many years of trying to get him to open up more I now just leave him to tell me in his own time which he usually does eventually.

In relation to him not telling the surgeon about his stroke I would imagine it’llbe in his medical records anyway so they would see it. However, they need to have a full picture of someone’s medical history so they can prepare appropriately. They might need some extra meds on standby for example or an additional person. If it was me, and we all have to make our own decision, I would make them aware myself. But perhaps try telling him they will pick it up from his records anyway.

The Stroke Association have a here for you service where you can talk to someone who is in a similar position to you. If that’s something that interests you you can fins out more Here

Wishing you both all the best & I hope the surgery goes well.

Ann

[ManjiB]

Hello @emren80 - welcome to the community.

I am not sure how best to respond to your post, as normally, I would be inclined to say the sort of things that you say you don’t want hear from “healthy” people. I am not sure if I am healthy or not, but I guess I do see my glass as half full rather than half empty and so I would offer the positivity that you say you are fed up with. With that in mind, I would still like to try and offer you some support if I can.

Before I go any further, I should say I echo all that Ann @Mrs5K has said and I know she can relate to your circumstances much better than I can

Now, I would like to see if there is anything I can add that might also help you and your husband (he also requires some help and support does he not?)

Here’s a virtual hug to get started

How about a nice cup of tea ?

Click - to be read with a cup of tea and biscuit at had :)

2025 has certainly been challenging for your husband and I suspect from what you are saying he is doing his best to cope with it as best as he can. I don’t know him and I don’t know you so I wonder if his behaviour is different as a result of what has happened to him in 2025 or whether he has always been like this i.e. gets on with life no matter what.

If he has always coped by not talking then he is unlikely to change, but even if he now chooses not to talk as a way of coping then is that such a bad thing? Would you rather have him coping (albeit in his own way) or being distressed or worrying?

I understand you concerns about not telling the doctors about his latest stroke.
Though I cannot be 100% certain, I am pretty sure they will check his condition before the operation to remove his kidney.

They will see from his medical record he is on various medications (post-stroke) including possibly things like statins, blood thinners etc? So before they start, they will have to satisfy themselves he is medically fit for a surgical procedure.

They may make him ready by doing standard checks such as BP, heart rate etc. as well as taking him off some medications such as blood thinners prior to the operation.

So even if your husband tries to keep stuff, they will likely find out because they have to take all necessary precautions. The team, surgeon, consultant, anaesthetist will have a checklist that should ensure no unnecessary risks are taken.

If it helps, I am a carer for my Mum and every time we end up in hospital, the doctors always tell me how she is too frail for an operative procedure and they try to find alternatives (or refuse to operate).

You say the operation is urgent and they will not delay it, but I believe they also will not operate unless it is safe to do so.

I am not sure if this helps you at all, but I hope it goes some way towards putting your mind at ease.

I wish you and your husband all the very best.

Namaste|

[emren80]

Thank you so much for your response. It was written with so much kindness and I really felt it.

[emren80]

Thank you so much Ann for taking the time to read and reply. I will give that service a go. So helpful.

[Anna_Moderator]

Hi @emren80

Welcome to the Online Community, I’m sorry to hear of all the difficulties you and husband are facing at the moment.

As others have said it’s always best to be honest with the medical team so we would encourage your husband to let them know about his most recent stroke.

It’s difficult when someone has been through so much and doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m sure you’re already doing this any way but just letting your husband know you’re there when he is ready to talk. It may be that he might be comfortable speaking to someone that doesn’t know him. If that’s the case you could encourage him to use our volunteer call service which @Mrs5K has kindly put a link to, or he could call our Stroke Support Helpline:0303 3033 100 where he can talk things through with someone. These services are also available for you should you need to speak with someone.

I hope you’ll find this community helpful. If you need any help whilst you’re using the Online Community please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.

Anna

[emren80]

Thank you Anna - much appreciated