Hi, new to the forum. My mother was suddenly struck with a stroke almost 7 months ago. Against her wishes and mine, she is stuck in a care home in Salford (I live in Wythenshawe, Manchester). I’ve been struggling to sort out the help I need to have my mother cared for in the family home again. Mainly because of a couple of over zealous (and sometimes racist) social workers. Not been there to help her is galling. I’m interested to know if there are anyone else going through this? I still want to be her carer but, I’m been constantly attacked by the Social workers, Social Services and the NHS.
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Hi @JohnnyBoy81 and welcome to the forum, I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. This must be a distressing enough time for you without the health authorities to make it worse. Can I suggest you phone the Stroke Association’s support Helpline:0303 3033 100. They would be able to offer you a lot of helpful advice and support for you and your mum and will be able to point you in the right direction.
Caring for a stroke survivor can be a full time 24/7 job, depending on the extent of their stroke and disabilities, as they will be dependent on you for everything, toileting, bathing, dressing, feeding, medication, appointments etc etc etc. It won’t be easy and @ManjiB, another member on here, is the better able to tell you all about caring for his mum at home. You will need your own support system in place to help with that care such as, who would care for your mum if you are ill or need to shopping for instance. There’s a lot to be thought through and considered. And you need to factor in breaks for yourself for the sake of your own sanity, health and wellbeing.
On the up side, I firmly believe there is no better place than home for anyone recovering from any major illness or trauma. They thrive better amongst their loved ones and, certainly for stroke survivors, they make more effort to get better because they are in a place where they can make attempt to do for themselves. In a care home you are basically waited on hand and foot and have to rely heavily on staff just due to the health and safety laws, so the physio and rehab are very limiting.
I do hope you get your mum home if at all possible and it’s what you both want 
Lorraine
Edit: As I’ve only just found and read your Bio, you can disregard some of what I’ve written as you clearly know all about caring for your mum 
But do get in touch with the stroke association to see what they can do to help get your mum home.
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Hi @JohnnyBoy81 sorry to hear about your mum and hope she’s doing well at the minute. Also hope your okay too.
As someone who deals daily with social workers know there are good and some who are so far up themselves it defies logic but sometimes that what social work does. I live in Scotland so slightly different but we have kinship care which is a nod to the fact those who are best carers are generally some relative/ family as there is a bond too.
If social work are opposing what are there reasons- must be in writing and have they assessed either you or mum’s house or is it the family home. Usually between them health and social work would do a household assessment. If mum needs adaptations they will be done via this or should be personally my mates and me done my parents hose 20 years ago when dad had his stroke, stayed there a wee bit after mine to I rehabbed.
I would see what local advocacy services are available maybe the helpline could direct you and get you some support, citizens advice may help- again Scottish so possibly different most lawyer will here give you a free one hour consultation just in case you have to fight them in court, as the wise lady above @EmeraldEyes stated @ManjiB does this job supremely well and is a credit to himself and his mum if he doesn’t know I assume nobody will.
Finally once you get things underway social work and a good advocacy work for paperwork on benefits and entitlements will likely be needed. I done dad’s on my own it took weeks into months but we got there he retired with a nice wee bonus from his and my former employers as they had messed up payments, we then got a local service who sorted the rest.
HTH and the very best to you and mum.
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Hello JohnnyBoy81 - Nice to e-meet you.
I note you have already had a couple of detailed responses from our regular, very experienced and knowledgeable contributors and so there is probably not much more if anything I can add.
I can tell you that I am not surprised by your experiences as this is a crazy world we live in. I have indeed been through very similar and so know what you mean by the behaviours of the social workers. I have no time for social workers I have had dealings with as they made my (and my Mum’s life hell) through their ignorance and unprofessionalism, but they are an unfortunate part of Mum’s care package and I have had to learn to deal with them.
Don’t get me wrong, I am sure there are some excellent social workers out there, but I have yet to meet them (@DavidHearnden excepted - David is a member of this forum and he is both a stroke survivor of many years and an excellent champion social worker for stroke survivors). If you require specific help with social worker related issues, please contact David as he is always very willing and helpful. I have tagged him here, so he will almost certainly reply to this.
In short, you can definitely look after your Mum at home but it may take time and patience. Dealing with ignorant social workers can be very tiring and you don’t want to go down that route. Try and stay calm and focused and know what you want to achieve. You can get advocacy help from Citizen’s Advice etc. but actually, I would just contact @DavidHearnden
Just to cover the points in your post
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Mother in care home - we avoided that by insisting she was discharged to home care though they (social worker) did try to get us to put Mum in a Care Home. We said no, this is not what she wanted and Home is where she will be cared for. The down side for us (and it was a big downside) was that the home was not ready for Mum to be cared for but they “tricked” us into taking her home with promises of home adaptations to come. It’s history now, but this sadly meant Mum spent about a year trapped in her room - long story.
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The help you need for Mum to be cared for at home is done via a Care Needs assessment which will involve social services, OT/PT therapists etc.
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Over zealous / racist social workers. As mentioned earlier, I have no time for the ones I deal with - they are absolutely the weakest link in Mum’s care support team. They think they know better than you and whether they are racist or ignorant of cultural differences I cannot say. Maybe both? I or rather they had huge issues about me being the primary carer for Mum. Why? Because I am male. Personally, this to me was and is an absurdity, but there are those, especially on the social services and some care agencies who believe a male cannot care for a female relative other than spouse. I don’t want to go into detail as it opens up a whole can of works, but that is what it boiled down to and I had many heated arguments with them. I don’t lose my cool easily, but with them all they had to do was ring me and off I went. It was an absolute nightmare, but one you can manage.
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Attacks from the Social workers, social services and NHS are also my experience but I have learnt to deal with it. I have to mention at this point that I am lucky to have a sister who is willing to and is a co-carer and in case of extreme short-term difficulties I can call upon her to step in until the issue has been sorted out - happened a lot on the early days, but not so much these days as I am the primary carer and it’s official i.e. on Mum’s registered care plan.
The fact you are here tells me you know what to expect and so I don’t need to tell you looking after someone in Mum’s (my Mum’s) condition is not easy - she needs double up care (and so having my sister to support me is a big bonus). Agency carers do double up care but they can be hit and miss and you have to accept they sometimes cause more work for you through their incompetence or lack of skills needed to care for someone with specialist care needs. Social services do not seem to understand that specially trained carers are required for someone like Mum (or they are out of budget).
I have been lucky because Mum is very helpful, despite being double carer dependant, she is understanding and patient and also very forgiving when we don’t get things right.
Again, you will already know this but as 24/7 carer we are doing a number of different roles (I think Lorraine and Jbob already mentioned this). You will be nurse, doctor, cleaner, carer, banker, shopper etc. So if you plan to do this and hold down a day job, you might want to give it serious thought as it might be a lot harder than you might expect, but it will depend on how much your Mum can help herself and what her exact care needs are.
In closing, I will say something I have said before and I will say it again and again. What I am doing has been the most difficult and challenging thing I have ever done and absolutely without any doubt the most rewarding. There is nothing more satisfying when your Mum flashes that smile to let you know she is fine 
Please feel free to ask specifics.
Wishing you and your Mum all the best.
Namaste|
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@JohnnyBoy81 Sorry your mum had a stroke. I am stroke survivor. Are you able to relocate to your mums area? Are you your mums next of kin? My moth in-law had stroke, But they asked my wife all the questions as she is the next of kin and mum did not want to go into care, so help was arranged. It is very difficult to look after a surviving stoke victim, people on here who do it will tell you. Its like having an adult baby. My wife has no life apart from her mother, no time for me or anything. At one time she gave up her job and I was the sole bread winner, which was difficult as me being stroke survivor. I wish you well 
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Thanks for your crumbs of comfort. I get the fact my mum needs more care than I alone can provide but, my mum’s current social worker is not very helpful. In fact, at the last meeting, he never apologized for slanderous comment made about my character and personality. The comments made were rude to the point of been racist (I’m of Irish decent BTW). As for having mum cared for at home again, it’s still a non-starter. Personally, I think it’s not the fact they can’t do it, more they won’t do it!
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Thanks. I’m more upset the fact the current social worker is treating my like I’m a scumbag (extreme, I know). Like him and the care home, I too want what’s best for my mum. But they speak to me like I’m going to do more harm than good. As I’ve mentioned in my biog, I’ve been a carer for 30+yrs. Frankly, I can’t do any worse than them.
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Likewise, @IreneFC . I’m trying to look into other means including a bungalow. I live near some bungalow’s for disabled people, I’m trying to talk to the housing officers regarding this issue, So far no luck. I hoping to at least get my mum on the list, that way I can be her carer during the day and, she can be cared for during the night. I’m just annoyed that I’m been treated like the “bad guy” in this situation. No wonder I need mental counseling. These people are driving me to the point of madness!
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Namaste @ManjiB . I knew what I let myself in for a couple of decades ago. I’m angry that I’ve been thrown on that junkheap. I’ve also got a social worker who treats me like a scumbag! No wonder social workers get so much stick. I’m trying to things like this in place but I’m been constantly pushed back. I though people like them are suppose to help relatives of sick people. This current SW plus the pervious one, they seem to like playing God with people’s lives. So at the moment, I’m stuck. Regarding social worker, I’ll look him up when I get time. Cheers.
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Hi @JohnnyBoy81
Welcome to the community, I’m sorry to hear about your mothers stroke and the difficulties you are facing with regards getting the care right.
I can see you’ve had some good responses from our members which I hope has been helpful. As @EmeraldEyes has mentioned, I would echo giving our helpline a call. They may be able to help you with this and help you find the best path forwards for both you and your mother.
I hope you’ll find this community helpful as you navigate through this difficult time. If you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community, please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.
Anna
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I’ll take any crumb of comfort at this stage. Thanks.
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Thanks. I’ll let you know when I need your help. I’ve got a feeling I’ll need it. I’ve had no-one to help or support me since mum had the stroke 7 months ago. Again, thanks.
PS. @EmeraldEyes , cool name.
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Sorry to hear about how your Mum and you are not being helped by the people you have come into contact with. As ManjiB has told you, I’m a social worker and a stroke survivor, and am ready to help if I can. Please get in touch if you want and we can discuss possible options. Take care - David Hearnden
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Cheers David. I’ll give you the heads up when I need you. It’ll be nice to have help and solace.
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ManjiB has my work email address.
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You don’t have to put up with this. I would put in a formal complaint to the social services. I am sure David @DavidHearnden can help you with this if you so require.
Nobody can care for your Mum better than you and you should be respected.
I would suggest you absolutely can’t do any worse than them, but they certainly can and probably are doing worse than you.
Your Mum has the right to get the best care she can and her care plan must take that into consideration.
Your Mum should be involved in this if she has the capacity.
Take care.
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That would be great. Thanks.
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Appreciate the advice. People wonder why Social Workers and Social Services get the stick they get. My situation is one of those reasons. If I had my way, I’d would like see Social Workers who aren’t doing their job properly be named and shamed. There should be a government type body where the should be rigorously examined every 12-18 months. Those who aren’t up to snuff should be dismissed. But, Social Workers who go above and beyond deserve all the praise (e.g. @DavidHearnden ). Just a thought.
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Thanks @IreneFC . Sounds like your a football fan.
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Her capacity is limited but she has some sort of awareness. As I said I’m just angry that I’m treated like a scumbag by these people. I’m tired of them playing God with my mum’s life but other people too.
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