Trying to cope

Hi my husband has just had a stroke and a heart attack two week ago although i have family and friends supporting me i feel so alone not knowing what is ahead for us it's going to be so life changing I have lost my best friend and my rock I have to continue to work to pay the bills does anyone know if I will be able to get financial support so I can care for my husband and stop working once he comes home as I don't think I could cope with work and caring for my husband too x

Hi Rosie

I have sent you a message, I hope you get to read it.



Mum had a stroke late 8th July or early 9th July.  She's been in the University Hospital of Durham for over 3 weeks now.  I've found when Mum has a good day, so do I.  Unfortunately, she's only had about 4 good days.

I've also got friends and family wanting to support me but I've found I've needed to be alone.  I've been on sick leave for 2 weeks now, the first week I took as holiday.  

I had never experienced a stroke before and I foolishly expected to see a gradual, daily improvement.  I'm now taking each day as it comes.

You can look into the Attendance Allowance though I understand the person has to have had difficulties for a minimum of 6 months.

I don't know how old your husband is but Age UK seem to be quite helpful with regards to what you are able to receive financially.

I hope your husband is making good progress.  x

Hi after 21 weeks in hospital my 50 year old partner is finally home, I’m struggling emotionally and feeling lonely so any messages would be gratefully received x

Hi June - no wonder you're struggling, you've both been through a traumatic event, and a lengthy stay in hospital is unimaginably difficult and fraught with worry.  At least your partner is now home, and age is on their side for recovery.  Hopefully you have some help and maybe carers, as the process can be overwhelming initially.  There's no magic wand, however, just take things day-by-day, allow yourselves plenty of rest, find out what works for you.  Your partner will have a lot to cope with, and even after a short hospital stay, my husband found it difficult to adjust to being at home with a different skill set, so just find out your own ways of doing things.  Fortunately I'm not driven by house work, and I felt it was far more important to spend time with my husband than to worry about whether daily chores were completed, (even though we had lots of visitors at that time - I just let things go, he was my priority!!)  Be aware that many things that we take for granted, can cause a feeling of 'sensory overload' in someone recovering from stroke.  Particularly well-meaning visitors - conversations can be hard, the amount of concentration and effort required is very tiring.  Trying to read, remember information, string words together - these skills may all take time, so be patient with yourselves.  

Fatigue and frustration go with the territory, sorry to be a bit negative, but if you know what to expect you will know that it's 'normal' and hopefully you won't worry so much.  The ups and downs come and go - hopefully you'll be able to support each other through these times, and happily, things DO get better.  

There are lots of excellent contributors to this site, with first-hand experience, and first-class advice so keep checking, they certainly helped, and continue to help, and inspire me!  

All good wishes xx 

Continuing to work and to care for someone is very tough, even with an understanding boss.  It's relentless and often feels very repetitive, so hopefully you are entitled to some help.  Do you think you could work part-time for a while when your husband first comes home?  I thought it was important not to do anything too drastic or irreversible when my husband had his stroke, as things get better and life becomes easier, then you would be left without employment. If possible, take time to review the whole situation rather than make any hasty decisions, but you know your own circumstances so it may be that becoming a full-time carer would be better.  

Hopefully things will improve and you can take some time to make your decision.  You will find plenty of support from lots of knowledgeable people on this site.

Best wishes  

thank you your message was honest and I can tell you understand what I’m going through so thank you it helps me to feel I’m not alone x

Hi all....well Dad has his appointment next Monday at 9am for his driving assessment. Thankfully I've managed to get the day off work to take and support him. I have suggested he make a list of questions for if he passes or fails....however he forgot to ask what was involved on Monday...does anyone know or answer this for me??? I am currently working long shifts (police) and can't get to call myself to ask.... any help would be appreciated xxx

I can only share my own experience I had a driving assessment last week. it started with a short discussion with a driving assessorand an occupational therapist talking about my driving history an previousexperience, my current state of general health. the OT Asked me to do a few physical moves to see how I was getting in an out of the car. the Ot gave me a couple of simple cognitive tests which I was familiar with. then they took me for a short drive both of them accompanied me. After that they went off to discuss then we had a discussion together

I was relieved to be given the all clear this time. this was the thirdreview I did the first was ok but the recommendation was that I was safe to retrain to use an aadapted car. following that I had some weeks of tuition with the adapted controls. the second reviewreport was ok but I didbt feel good about it and was making a number of mistakes. I agreed to take a further set of tuition sessions andafter that took the final review which was successful. so for me it was a bit of a journey. I would say that if Dad doesn't get the go ahead on Monday it is not over. the questions should be  about how can he be supported to get back on the road. they will be there to help him do that. there is no shame in going back to having lessons. after such a major thing S a stroke it seems to me to be the best way. I certainly benefited both in confidence and ability. my confidence wS shot to pieces after the stroke and the tuition helped me build it back up gradually  Dad may be more physically capable than I am so it might not take so long. if you keep in mind that they are there to help and not to catch you out, the assessment will give him good information. the facts are friendly. it will give you real practical information to work with  it isn't pass or fail its an important step in recovery. I wish him well, and would love to hear how he gets on. he will get there.

go get em


Thanks Tony...will keep you all posted xx

Good news Tony, Dad has got the go ahead to drive after a assessment.

he has to take it easy no long journeys but at least he can take himself off now for the day. Made up and so proud of him for not giving in xx

really good news Karen I’m so pleased for your’s a massive boost for him and I can imagine how your feeling as well amazing ? 


Just to see him smiling with joy been worth taking the day off work to support him.... 

That is great news :) 

If visitors offer help, please don't be too proud to say no. Ask them to cook or clean. If your husband is happy with than get someone to sit with him so you can go out and have some time to yourself  - have a coffee, see a friend, get your hair done.

Check out benefits and social care.

Will your husband be able to get out, ask g a wheelchair if necessary? You'll both go stir crazy if you're stuck indoors. There may be a local lunch club run by a church? Or a stroke club.

Best wishes


Yay!  Great news - well done Dad!  It will take some pressure off of you as he'll be able to do 'stuff' independently.  laugh

It will he can drive mum to Asda and sit and wait....and I don't have to drive them ???????

I bet it was you should be so proud of him and also of your self Karen...don’t forget that x

thanks for the advice Janet 

i think I made the mistake of thinking I could do it by myself and I’m feeling it now 

iv decided to let people know I need help and a little company if that makes sense ?

Hi June, 

That's a big step in the right direction for you both. I'm sure your friends will only be to happy to help.  It will allow them to feel they're being useful and supportive. 

Thus enabling you to focus on keeping yourself in tip top condition.  Which is so important to your partner's recovery.

Welldone you! x