My husband had a stroke last November and has had two Tia’s since. He has lost a lot of his peripheral vision and is not allowed to drive anymore.
He is mobile and his speech was not affected. His cognition was affected to a certain degree.
To his friends and anyone who meets him they think he is fine.
I have been a nurse for 46 yes and nothing prepared me for the heartache his change in personality has brought.
He is no longer a calm quiet man. He can be abusive and angry and it is all directed at me.
I know he can’t help it but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I know it is a rough time for him but I feel he is sucking the life out of me. I even resent him sometimes as I’m sure he does me.
Is the common for carers of loved ones or just me ?
Hi @Alyson1 welcome to the community. Sorry to hear of your husbands stroke & TIAs.
You are not alone in feeling as you do and if you use the search function (magnifying glass) and search for carer or parents / mum / dad you’ll find many posts from people who are / were in a similar position. There was only someone on here a few weeks ago who was going through the same thing. I can’t find their post right now but if I find it i’ll pop the link to it in here.
You could try ringing the stroke association helpline for advice & also look at their here for you service too.
https://www.stroke.org.uk/stroke/support/weekly-volunteer-calls
0300 3300 740
Wishing you all the best
Ann
Hi @Alyson1
Welcome to the community. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.
I would echo what @Mrs5K has said, you aren’t alone in how you’re feeling and
our helpline could help you find some local services to help you. The here for you service might be of real benefit for you too.
Remember that you need to look after yourself too, a stroke is difficult for all the family, not just the person it happens to.
I’m sure there will be more people along to share their stories with you soon.
Anna
From the perspective of the stoke patient I was angry and because my family were there it was easy to take out my anger on them. I knew I was doing it and was sorry for the pain I was causing. Your husband is still in there. I don’t have a solution, just patience.
Best wishes
Janet
Hi @Alyson1
Apart from the ‘hello & welcome’ I won’t repeat the above. I’m so sorry to read your current unhappy predicament 
Two (of many) threads on personality change, resentment etc are:
You might find this:
gives you some insights in how he is feeling which MAY? help?
Also pointing out to any “you look well” commentators the there are many hidden neurological/ psych-/ emotional impacts for ALL the #StrokeThrivers (?) family
Maybe asking the GP for assistance for BOTH of you (in different ways) is also called for?
Also as well as the Here For You service (sign-up form) and stroke helpline
There are other orgs offering carer info & support such as
And
Contact local support groups
https://www.stroke.org.uk/stroke/support/groups/map-local
And
https://differentstrokes.co.uk/all-groups/
And also ageUk, altziemers society that have common support needs so have suggestions & networks
At less than a year he is relatively early in the stroke journey but that’s not really very comforting I guess. However it & what you’ve said does say YOU need support. The groups above can suggest & local groups often provide respite breaks - which may do you both different sorts of good.
There is more here but this is probably enough for now
Simon
Hello Alyson,
He’s understandably upset, and not himself. Give him time, try and think of anything / anyone who might help. In my case we formed a little “team” that looked after me and still do. When I got professional counselling my wife felt calmer. Ultimately the hard work and focus I put into my rehab was the only thing that settled me. It may be something entirely different that works for him, but the important thing is to keep looking until he connects to something / anything… a place, even an animal. I hope he finds peace, soon, so you can too…
Best wishes, Roland
Hi Alyson, so sorry to hear of your husband’s stroke and the struggles you are facing. I won’t repeat what the other contributors have said, I just wanted to say Hi and a big welcome to this community.
I am here as a stroke survivor and can clearly remember the anger, fear and isolation I felt in the early days of my recovery. That’s not to say that it’s ok to take it out on your family. It’s early days in your husband’s recovery and you are both feeling your way through this minefield they call recovery.
I would definitely recommend that you both try to speak to someone and get things out in the open. It’s too easy to bury your feelings and frustration but unfortunately things tend to bubble away and end up coming out in the wrong way.
I’m 7 years post stroke and on occasions when things are tough and I am a bit snappy, I take it out on my husband although I know thats unfair. It’s so tough on everyone and things are bound to bubble over on occasions. My husband now bites back and puts me in place, then we hug it out and carry on until the next time . As the years have gone by these little out bursts have become less and less.
Be kind and try to be patient and above all else keep talking to each other and hopefully things will improve, it’s still early days in your husband’s recovery.
Wishing you both well. Take care.
Regards Sue
Hi @Alyson1 welcome to the forum
There are several answers to that, but if this wasn’t part of his personality prior to the stroke, then its highly likely that where the stroke struck, as well as the TIA’s, that is the root cause.
The Alzheimer’s society forum is another one you should look at to seek advice as personality changes are quite common and in there, it’s mainly the spouses/carers seeking and giving advice, and may have some more useful strategies for coping https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/
Here is just one example from a post today, not yet replied to though.
