I write/type to process my emotions and recall memories.Here is something I Recently wrote in remembrance of my brother /uncle:
For those of you who know me well, you know that when I was little I had a very unusual childhood raised by my grandparents as their sixth child with five brothers who were in terms of genealogy my uncles,and father.My uncle Ricky,who is sadly no longer with us,the very blond boy on the right,I’m the baby sitting on my mother’s lap. Ricky taught me so much.
As a young teenager I plastered my face with makeup almost as if it was war paint and Ricky quietly told me that makeup should be subtle and should enhance your looks rather than detract from them.He also taught me how unnecessary it was to shave my legs and armpits telling me he saw no reason to do so.growing up in a mysoginist patriarchy I did what society expected of me without question and he taught me to question social norms and social constructs,which I have done ever since,and successfully taught my daughter’s to do the same,I was so very brainwashed by male supremacism that I believed the woman was responsible for the sex of a child,and at 12-years-old,he put me straight explaining the X and Y chromosomes and how the mother always gives the X and the sperm confers the Y for a boy and an X for a girl.Genetics has intrigued me ever since.At university studying Biological Sciences for a genetics presentation I did one on the genetics of sexuality and it turns out that while there is a region on the X chromosome called xq28,it is likely that sexuality is polygenic,more than one gene needs to be expressed,and environment has a large effect.the field of epigenetics sadly didn’t exist when I was at uni this field is about how environment affects whether a gene is turned on or not.A great example is identical twins even though they have the same DNA their lives are different leading them to act and even look a little different. Through this mechanism trauma can actually be passed down generations.in my family there is alcoholism or addiction and homosexuality in each generation,this surely means that it is genetic… no, studies have shown environment is more at play than genetics.back to twins If one identical twin is gay, the other has a 50-60% chance of being gay as well.This is significantly lower than 100% showing that other factors such as environment are at play.And it’s the same for addiction, children of alcoholics are about four times more likely than the general population to develop alcohol problems. so does this mean alcoholism is genetic or learned?I personally believe it is the latter a person who grows up with an alcoholic parent is often subjected to dysfunctional and aggressive behaviour and it is this that creates an alcoholic.so the nature-nurture debate continues!We are born with or without addictive tendencies but with a functional loving childhood these addictive tendencies aren’t expressed,they are in fact suppressed.so genes don’t necessarily condemn you to being a certain way we can as intelligent beings create our own path,regardless of the pain and suffering I’ve endured,I choose to be happy and at peace with a positive outlook on life,otherwise what’s the point of even being here?choose your path wisely!life is short!and as a special friend wrote to me:”everything happens for a reason.” And as one of Ricky’s champions said,Khalil Gibran: Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. it’s been really hard for me to accept this,my girl’s are now fiercely independent and I’ve long suffered a lack of purpose.But I’m learning to navigate this, appreciating that my work is done as a parent!But ‘empty nest syndrome is a real phenomenon that every parent has to endure.People really need to appreciate the old and infirm are humans nonetheless with feelings desire and need for human contact.This is where the African culture particularly Kenyans of caring for the old is so extraordinary,but Ricky would often talk of the Masai tradition of sending elders out into the wild to be eaten by hyaenas,lions etc.he like me did not believe in an afterlife,and wanted his body to enter the circle of life. we as a family decided to cremate him and a tree grows at his burn site incorporating his essence into its trunk,branches and leaves overlooking his beloved Nairobi National Park.
