I like the idea of someone paying $5 to rake their own leaves- I think i might try that 
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
Tee hee that made me chuckle
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.. So He sent one of His angels to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, she told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned she went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good..’
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?
OK, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.
Soooooo funny 
I might have to learn a different language
Me too. Really got a chuckle from that one.
Britain’s oldest woman turned 114 today. When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
That’s just the laugh you need when you’re about to be called in for your flu jabs
My glasses are often on my face when I’m looking for them.
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word… …I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: “Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.” Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?” “For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!” “I wasn’t,” he replied.
That’s very funny
I’d forgotten that one about the parachutes - I guess memory loss has its perks! 
