My partner is 5 months post stroke
Hes refusing to go out in the week.
And refusing too go too any support groups
Is that normal
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Hi @Clairekirby1990 has he given a reason for not wanting to go out? Is it just weekdays? He may suffering from anxiety and thinking if he goes out something might happen or perhaps if he’s got a visible disability he’s worried what people might think. Might be worth trying to work out what’s stopping him and tackling that issue.
Fatigue could also be playing a part. I know at that stage in my recovery I found leaving the house exhausting so didn’t go anywhere unless I had to.
I built up going out gradually, started with a few steps outside then went a little further and always went with someone. Would a friend offer to take him somewhere he enjoys for a short while?
Support groups are a very personal thing. They’re not for everyone.
Try not to push him too much. That might have the opposite affect. It might be better to let him get there in his own time. Although there’s a balance to be had as you don’t want him becoming a recluse either.
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Thank you for the reply.
He only goes out at the weekends with me and our son. As hes at school and I work at lunch times at a school.
He sees there’s no point in going out. He dont want to see people.
Even his speech is coming along slowly. Hes lacking loads of confidence.
Hes got no motivation so sits in front of the tele all day.
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@Clairekirby1990 i had a quick look on the stroke association site. If you look for behavioural changes it lists apathy as a common behavioural change. You might print that section out. One thing carers need is oodles of patience!
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@Clairekirby1990 100% normal, I did not want to go out for a long time and i was never interested in any support groups. I find this forum the best and the WhatsApp group i belong to, lifts your spirits, its a lovely bunch of stroke survivors and I am so thankful to @Bobbi who created it and brought us together. Use this forum for support. Your partner probably feels depressed at the thought of support groups which I completely understand. Some people relish joining support groups and some people love talking about the fact they had a stroke, but not all of us. I wish you and your partner well and good luck. I am a stroke survivor of almost 18 months.
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You’ve mentioned your partner doesn’t want to go out and doesn’t want to go to a support group. I wonder if he’d prefer something that’s online? Online Activities run sessions during the week which help people connect and build confidence. You’ve mentioned his speech is coming along, we have many people that come along with speech difficulties and use it as a place to practice this.
I can also see that @jenny-wren mentioned about behavioural changes and apathy, here is the page that they were referring to.
Anna
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@Clairekirby1990 , it sounds to me your partner is trying to cope in their own way. For now, don’t force any issues on your partner. As @Mrs5K said it’s likely anxiety has took hold. It’s best to take baby steps in terms of recovery. Try Stroke.org.uk. There are staff on this site how can help.
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Thank you so much for replying 
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Thank you
I am going to look at that page on behaviour
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Thank you so much. Can.i ask how your recovery is now. Its only 5 months since my partner. He has aphasia
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Hi.
I had my stroke in September 25. It only affected my speech but it’s now back to normal unless I get anxious or over tired. Tiredness I struggle with more. It just comes over you.
After I came out of hospital and thankfully I was in just over a day my confidence was knocked completely. I wouldn’t go out on my own for weeks. If the wife said come on let’s go for a walk with the dog. I was a nervous wreck. What if. Once I did start to go out I set my phone up with a tracking device so my wife and stepdaughter new were I was. Trouble is that made me more anxious. What if it didn’t work or I couldn’t press it.
After a couple of weeks I thought stuff tracking thing and made the move to concur this anxiety and confidence thing. But it’s not easy and I have not 100% won yet. We all recover in different ways and thankfully my wife didn’t pressure me to get out and about.
How am I now. Yes I’m getting better each day and getting back to work also boosted my confidence.
Give him time to get used to things. I do agree sitting in front of the telly not good but that was me also.
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Thank you so much for all of this
Hes got aphasia.
And its knocked his confidence like you said yours did too.
We try n get out at the weekend today which he likes as im off work and our sons not at school x
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@Clairekirby1990 , fair play. Go for it. Quality time together will definitely help. Not just your husband but, you too.
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100% agree . 
thank you so much
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He goes out weekends because he has you and your son as his shield and crutch You both can speak for him, so he doesn’t have to or when he can’t, you both watch out for him. And that is fine!
He’s neither depressed nor agoraphobic. His brain is just not ready to cope with more yet. But it will be again. He doesn’t need pushing or coaxing nor antidepressants. It will all come back as and when his brain has switched individual services back on again…one service at a time.
Apathy, as @jenny-wren mentioned, is most likely what it is with your husband. It’s the word I always forget, but it’s exactly what the issue was for me at the time I had my stroke 5yrs ago. That part of the brain that controls all your emotions was switched off. So things like being happy, sad, excited, worried, inspired, urge, drive, love, hate, laughter, anger, fear, pride, shame, etc etc etc. Some or all of that part of his brain can be effected. What emotions you might be left with, if any, can have a tendency to be a little more enhanced as a result. Or at least they can seem more prominent to others on their own, if that is the only emotion showing. At least that’s how I saw it, laughter was the one that was enhanced the most for me, I could laugh at almost anything. But then I couldn’t feel pleased or happy, I had to fake those. And at my father-in-laws funeral I couldn’t even feel sad or cry, just completely numb; that grief came a few years later.
All my emotions were locked down, numbed, emotionally set to neutral. Which was a very good thing as it kept me calm, my brain didn’t worry or get stressed. It had all the time in the world to heal because I didn’t put it under any pressure…because I couldn’t!
The down side to that is you have to fake a lot of emotions for the sake of propriety, because everone else can’t begin to understand it. I don’t know if I ever truly achieved how to fake successfully as I’m not great at acting and I was never any good at “let’s pretend’ as a kid. And it is mentally exhausting, draining even, to keep up the act.
Because I was very much aware of what I needed to do in the way of rehab, very consciously aware of my condition, I just flited from one rehab exercise to another without any set game plan, picking up pennys, tracing shapes, trying to walk around the house, try to read…and out loud too. And when my hubby was ready to take me for a walk 
I just got my coat on and went. He could have walked me right off the end of a pier for all I knew or cared. Not that I was even depressed, I was just set to autopilot. And emotions were too switched off to feel depression anyway.
And all that was fine! Because we all knew that it would get better in increments. And a lot did switch back on in the first year, and in no particular order. More switched on in the second year and so on for the 3rd, 4th and 5th year. Even on the 1st of January this year there was more improvement to my speech and foot drop. It just keeps on getting better and better.
But for just right now, sitting or pottering around the house might just be enough for your partner, as it was for me for most of the first 6 months or so. I couldn’t even cope with the telly being on, so that’s a bonus for him 
I definitely couldn’t cope with people and going places. I was happiest staying at home even if I was alone…even better. It’s all just too much data processing for the broken brain to process. The very best thing you can do for him is carry on as normal around him. Let him concentrate on the things he can do and expect him to abort half way through due to the brain fatigue. And you either pick up where he left off or leave it for him to come back to later.
That was very much life in our household for the first year or so, pretty boring, mundane, when I think back. But that’s what I needed back then. The kids were doing their own thing between studies and friends online, and my hubby was working from home as we were in lockdown anyway, so no visitors either.
I sometimes think it must have been like being a single parent for my hubby. I was there but I wasn’t, a bit like the little Roomba hoover we have now. I flitted and pottered around and often heard my hubby saying “oh, she’s on move again”, “where’s she going now”, “…and she’s off again…what’s she up to now”
And the more able I got, the more mayhem I could cause for them all with the half done tasks I’d started​
I’m truly blessed with a very patient and tolerant family
It’s a scary world outside for a stroke brain! His brain is not ready to cope with the chaos of the great outdoors alone or interacting with people. Give it a year and that will have changed. And read these posts to him if he can’t read them himself yet. I bet there is a lot that will resonate with him. It could be a bit of a positive eye opener for him.
Lorraine
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O wow thank you soo much. He can read all this in his head. Just not out loud.
There’s some really good tips for me as well so I appreciate everything you have just said so thank you
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If he truly can read just my long post, then I can tell you he is further on than I was at 5/6 months. A post like mine would have had to be read a couple of lines at a time with a break in between each. I really only read very short posts of a couple of lines back then.
The problem both you and the experts have is you don’t know all that he is lacking, the full extent of his issues because he has no way to communicate, to describe or convey them to you or anyone. It’s hard to convey what’s not going on in our head when the words just won’t come out of our mouths.
And he’s not going to suddenly wake up one morning and speak full and coherent sentences either. Think back to your son’s very first words as a baby, that’s how it will be for your partner and will take several years. But as an adult, he understands the meaning and purpose of language, of words. He knows how to use them. So he will come on quicker than child as a result, once he gets started to speak.
What I hope my post conveys to you is that there really is not a lot that you or anyone can really do for him just now. Don’t feel guilty for leaving him alone at any times or for letting him get on with it. He won’t resent you, because he likely doesn’t have that emotion anyway.
It was over a year before I started attending an Aphasia group. I remember my sister being so frustrated by my lack speech progress, as well as my lack of urgency or frustration​
. She was wanting me to join a bowling club or social groups to get me talking. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way, because it’s not just about practicing speaking again. If elements of the whole speech process are broken, then no amount of trying to speak in group conversation is going to speed it up; not until those repairs have been made. Those element links need to be either repaired or new links established first. And only the brain can do that.
And the brain will let you know when something is switched back on, if you care to listen. It’s like a light being switched on inside your head. You suddenly become very aware of something happening in there. You can’t always pinpoint what it is exactly because it might only be one link of a chain repaired. And it might take a few more link repairs before you have a full function.
And twittering on again so I better stop, hopefully before I’ve put you to sleep.
Lorraine
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Hi Lorraine
Thank you so much for all of this.
I know he will get there but its just very frustrating for him.
I am taking on board with every thing you have said so thank you
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Might be a dumb question and my apologies if this has already been covered in other replies to your post, but I would like to ask why you if this is different to how your husband was before he had the stroke.
Did he go out on his own during the week before he had the stroke?
I ask because when we ask if something is normal, we should consider what is normal for us.
What is normal for me, might not be normal for others. In fact speaking for myself, I can definitely say what is normal for me is almost certainly not normal for many.
Wishing you success in helping your husband reach normality
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Yes he went out on his own before he had the stroke
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