My partner (37m) suffered a brainstem stroke on New Year’s Day this year (2026)

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Hello there, I don’t really know where to start, I just don’t know who to talk to anymore. Me (30f) and my partner (37m) had been navigating long distance (UK to Spain) for the past 2.5 years. I have a 5 yr old here so it made more sense for my partner to join us here, we were in the process of moving his things in to our home just before the stroke. We were in a really good and loving place in our relationship.

So on the New Year’s Day this year, I received a phone call from his sister that he had suffered a brainstem stroke and was in ICU in Madrid. I went over there as soon as I had arranged childcare (arrived in Spain on the 3rd), I stayed with him in the hospital until the 15th. We both had our birthdays together in that time (he turned 37 and I turned 30). I ended up losing my job during this time and am still currently unemployed. He was very disoriented in that time, real trouble with his vision, vertigo, pain, slow movement and very little speech, but everything has seems to be improving step by step little by little.. he has even been discharge from rehabilitation now (which I’m not sure is the best thing) but here we are 3 months later and a lot has changed.

Obviously that experience was so terrifying, almost losing someone you love really puts things in to perspective. I felt so determined and positive about helping him, supporting him, love conquers all and I believe we can do this together kind of attitude. To be honest, every attempt I’ve made to care for him, book flights to be with him, send care packages , stay in contact with his family, be in the loop with all the doctors appointments ect, he ends up getting angry, pushing me away, and it seems like the more I try to be there, the more I just upset him. Of course I want to respect his space and his wishes, I just don’t know how to best support him in this time. Before the stroke he was the most kind and caring person, always listening and.. well really he was my rock in many ways. Ever since the stroke, if I show any emotion (although I try to be as strong as I can) - he ends up calling me a baby or childish, and says things like I shouldn’t express my feelings. I know he’s going through something I can only try to imagine, but it’s like he’s lost all his empathy, he’s very different.. he seems to not feel any love anymore and is a little cold and bitter towards people.. a week ago he ended the relationship, he said I couldn’t do it so he would do it for me. I know it’s not about me and it’s not about our relationship, the most important thing thing is that he can heal and focus on his recovery ..

I just don’t know what to do, me and my five year old are in this house, surrounded by his things and photos of him and she asks about him every day and I don’t know what to say or do. It’s like our whole life has just stopped and all I want to do is care for him and support him and he doesn’t want that. I’m really grieving every day, and I’m thinking about him and worrying about him every day. I just don’t know what to do

..

Sorry for the rant and thank you for listening.

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That’s an enormous amount of loss, stress, and heartbreak in a very short time—your partner’s health, your job, the future you were building, and now the relationship itself. Please don’t apologize for the “rant.” you are actually grieving.

You’ve been incredibly loving, committed, and proactive —flights, care packages, coordinating with his family, losing your job to be by his side. None of that was wrong. It was brave.
His personality change (coldness, lack of empathy, calling you childish for having feelings, pushing you away) is extremely common after a brainstem stroke. The brainstem affects everything from emotional regulation to impulse control to empathy. This is not the man you knew rejecting you it’s a damaged brain struggling to process love as anything other than pressure.
He ended the relationship well stroke survivors often push away the people closest to them. It can be shame (“I’m not the man I was”), fear of being a burden, or closeness that feels overwhelming. His line “I couldn’t do it so he would do it for me” suggests he was trying to protect you in a very twisted, painful way.

What you can do right now, practically:

  • Stop trying to care for him directly. For now. I know that feels like giving up, but you’ve tried the direct route repeatedly and it backfires. Instead, channel your care through a third party if possible—his sister, a social worker, or his rehab team. You can say to his sister: “I’m stepping back because he says it upsets him, but please tell him I love him and I’ll respect his space. And please let me know if he has an emergency.”
  • Protect your daughter. She’s five. She doesn’t need the full truth. You can say: “He’s is very sick right now, and sick people sometimes say they don’t want visitors. He loves you, but he can’t be with us for a while. We’re going to put his photos away for a little bit because it makes my heart too sad, and we’ll look at them again when I’m stronger.” Then actually put some of his things in a box in a closet. You need visual breaks.
  • Grieve the relationship as real. Even if he recovers fully and comes back, the relationship you had is gone. That loss deserves mourning. Can you find one person—a friend, a therapist, a support group for stroke caregivers (yes, even ex-caregivers)—to talk to weekly? Many online groups exist. You don’t have to carry this alone.
  • Apply for any financial help you can. You’re unemployed with a child. In the UK, you may be eligible for Universal Credit, Council Tax Reduction, and possibly Carer’s Allowance (even if he’s in Spain, you were caring across borders—Citizens Advice can clarify). Don’t let pride stop you. This is an emergency.
  • Write him one letter. Not a text, not a call. A single, short letter. Say: “I love you. I will respect your wish to end the relationship. I am not angry. If you ever want to talk, I will answer. Focus on getting better. That’s all I want.” Then send it via his sister. And then you stop. You leave the door open but you stop knocking.

I’m going to end there… but good luck, and stay strong, R

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@Bluebear You have no idea what your Partner is thinking or how is is feeling as you haven’t had a stroke. I am stroke survivor and can understand what he is going through and how he is feeling. I did not want my wife to smother me, I wanted to do as much as I could myself. I was so angry that I had lost the person I was, but only another stroke survivor understands what i mean. Time to get the big pants on and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It took a lot of guts for your Partner to end the relationship because in his mind he feels useless, he has lost himself and he feels you would be better off without him. He cant do for you what he use to do and that pulls at his heart. When you stop expecting him be be that man he used to be, you will move forward and if the relationship is over and he has moved out, move his clothes as that will torment your child. Don’t put this on your child. Think of the good times you all had and move forward. Stroke is a dreadful thing to happen to anyone. It changes us completely, but we need to move on. If your relationship was solid, it would have conquered all. Maybe you had cracks that you brushed over and this has brought them to the surface. Relationships end for reasons. Some we like to pretend were not there before, some we never wanted to face. Is your partner Spanish? Stroke takes forever to recover from, that’s if you ever do, its a long long road. I wish you well :revolving_hearts:

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@Bluebear

You have been under a lot of stress lately so you rant away.

It is not unusual for someone that has had a stroke to lose their ability to show emotions from love to anger and all in-between. Frustration and anger are very common and they need a target and it’s mostly aimed at the one you love most. He is angry and frustrated by what’s happened to him, and I agree with @pando he is trying to protect you in a perverse way for what’s happened to him by not having you around.

Admittedly I did this after my stroke. Fortunately I don’t remember doing it but that doesn’t make it any better for the person on the receiving end. My wife described them as emotional outbursts.

In my case they got less and less and then sporadic outbursts for no apparent reason, they lasted around a year.

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Hi @Bluebear , welcome and sorry to hear what has happened to your partner. Like others have said he has suffered a huge trauma to his brain which will affect his thought process and critical thinking. No expert and speak from experience here, once confirmed I was moved to a brain injury ward, I started trying to argue then run away as “I’m not going in beside these sick people… I’m effing fine etc. Truth is I wasn’t just not as badly effected by my stroke. They all take sufficient time to recover and nothing is certain in terms of timescale.

Importantly you need to prioritise you and a child first just now, helping yourself means you are more able to assist your partner in future, I know I cannot fathom how you may feel but you got to sort you and your child out first. Then look at were you can go in terms of relationship with your partner, he may well need the time to recover/ refocus too. Good luck to all 3 of you and wishing you all the very best.

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Hi @Bluebear

Welcome to the community. I’m sorry to hear about your partners stroke and the difficult time you’re going through at the moment. Please don’t think that you’re ranting, you’re welcome to share how you’re feeling in this space.

I would agree with @pando, there is some excellent advice in his post. We also have some information on our website about emotional effects and behaviour changes after a stroke which you may find helpful to have a read of.

Take some time now to look after yourself and your daughter and please do use this community for any support and questions you may have.

If you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community, please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.

Anna

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@Bluebear welcome to the community. You are going through so much right now. You need to be kind to yourself too.

I can’t really add to what @pando has said. There is a lot of excellent advice in there. I expect your partner is struggling to come to terms with it all & is pushing you away to protect you. Give him space & in time he may well realise he needs/wants you after all.

You need to “grieve” too as this has changed your life as much as his.

Sending you my very best wishes.

Ann

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Thank you so much @pando for taking the time to write this really kind, understanding and helpful response, I’m really touched by the advice and support.

we are very isolated here, with very minimal interaction with friends and family, so it means a lot to be able to talk to people who understand what we’re going through.

Thank you

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Thank you Ann, wishing all the best for you too

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You’re welcome. The break is needed right now… and if you rebuild the relationship one day, it will be a new chapter with a new start. Good luck, Roland

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You are absolutely right Ronald, thank you and I really wish you all the best healing and happiness on your journey

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@Bluebear - a warm welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your story. Btw, it is not a rant, it is just you sharing your personal experience :slight_smile:

I note that your post has received excellent response from our rich and varied membership which by its nature often offers different perspectives but all based on personal experiences. We as individuals are all different, but there are always commonalities to be found and so it is possible there will be responses on here which we totally agree with and understand and others that we may agree less with or not at all. This is fine because we as individuals can choose what we think will help us because it is for our benefit and we know what does and does not work for us.

I am happy that you the response you have had gives you enough of a flavour of the sort of options available to you and I suspect if you were to search for other posts on this forum which has a rich history of similar experiences to yours, you may find other information that may help you.

I trust you now have a better idea of what you might do and I wish you every success.

Namaste|
:pray:

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Absolutely spot on, I developed a lot of anger immediately after my stroke.

Not in a nasty way but a “why me” sort of way, thinking it was all so unjust as I was fit and strong.

It takes a while to make the adjustment and try to get your emotions back to “normal”.

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