My fiance doesn't feel the same way about me post the stroke

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Hi, i’m new to the community and was looking for any positive advice for my situation.

My fiance (late 40’s M) suffered an ischemic stroke in his left brain in 2024, he initially suffered right side paralysis and aphasia, however made an amazing physical recover in the first month and his aphasia is much better today- i’m extremely grateful for that.

Since the stroke happened a month before our big wedding, we cancelled the wedding and decided to plan for another time when he was feeling better. We have been in a long distance relationship for 4 years and i was moving countries to be with him post the wedding. He has been the most wonderful, careful, loving partner and we were so excited to begin married life together.

Due to the stroke i moved countries to be with him earlier than planned. However, upon my arrival he started feeling immense anxiety and was unable to sleep. He realised he’s not ready to get married now, due to which i had to return back to my home country.

The neurologist said he’s going through emotional/mental trauma for which he has been undergoing neuro feedback therapy which has helped him immensely. However, he seems to be going through some emotional blunting and told me that while he loves me a lot, he doesn’t feel the same way about me as he did prior to the stroke and is unsure of the relationship right now.

Currently, he only feels comfortable with his family. He has moments where he feels emotionally connected to me, but it’s far and few between. He has moments of clarity, where upon my asking he reassures me that we will make it work, but keeps flip flopping. I’ve told him that i will stand by him through his recovery. He’s always been so generous with sharing love and making me feel secure, that it’s worrisome to see him doubting our love and relationship, which has always been so solid.

His executive functions seem to be affected as well, as he’s unable to plan ahead.

He’s been going through anxiety and trouble sleeping from the day i arrived to present day. Sometimes i worry if i am the catalyst for that. He has started a new SSRI’s 10 days back, but it hasn’t taken affect as yet.

He’s only 4 months into his recovery and I’m hoping that over time he gets more clarity and begin to feel love for me the way he used to. I’m going through intense anxiety as well, as i fear losing him.

Any thoughts on this? Advice on how best i can support him as i find myself constantly asking for reassurance

Also, has anyone taken any SSRI’s how long does it take to start seeing changes, does it also help with anxiety?

Thank you all!

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You are not the catalyst for any of it, I can assure you it’s him because of his stroke!

Hi @Ash16 and welcome to the forum, I so sorry to hear what you and your fiance are going through. This will no doubt be hard on all of you. But take some comfort in that it will get better, how much, remains to be seen. He in only 4mths into recover and the first 6mths is all about healing and mop up in brain and getting what it can up and running again. Recovery doesn’t stop there though, it just slows down a bit. It’s a bit a rollercoaster ride, 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Progress is always being made, it’s just some of it you won’t necessarily notice because it’s all on the inside. And it takes years, not months, to recover what can be recovered.

At present he is most likely emotionally stunted in many ways, numb to most emotion. He’s been through a life threatening experiencing, that is emotionally traumatic. Medications he’s on will do that, blood pressure medications can reduce libido for example, and his body will take time to adjust them. All emotion, except for laughter, was switched off for me, I felt absolutely nothing for over a year. So for the sake of propriety I had to fake a lot of it. I’m 4yrs post stroke now and all emotion is back to normal. It’s just going to take a lot of time and patience both for him, you and all his family.

Right now is not the time to make any decisions on your relationship with your fiance and your future together, either of you. You’ve been in a relationship for 4 years, so what is one more year to see how you both feel then?

Lorraine

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Hi @Ash16 welcome to the community. Sorry to hear of your current situation & your fiances stroke. Made all the more difficult for you as you’re in different countries.

It is usual for people’s emotions to be all over the place post stroke. In time that should start to settle. It is really early days in stroke terms yet. Have a look at the Stroke Association’s leaflet on emotional changes.

Emotional changes

I agree with @EmeraldEyes that now is not the time for either of you to be making decisions on the future of your relationship. As hard as it is you need to try & give it a bit of time. Keep the lines of communication open with him & things will become clearer as time moves forward. Patience is needed in bucket loads when it comes to stroke recovery.

He will be trying to deal with everything that has happened & that isn’t easy. Maybe he just needs time to do that. Perhaps he feels that he would be a burden for you & that’s not how he wants to start married life.

SSRIs i think can take a while to work & sometimes they need adjusting or changing as different ones suit different people. I am sure you haven’t been the cause of his anxiety though…it will be the stroke.

Sending you my best wishes

Ann

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Thank you so much Lorraine! I appreciate your words.
I was always very secure in my relationship with him pre-stroke, but off late i’ve been struggling with asking him for reassurance more often than i would like to.
I agree with your words, this will take some time, i need to just be patient and not put any pressure on making decisions regarding the relationship. He is worth the wait and i want to try and be as supportive as i can.

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Thank you Ann! Appreciate your words.
A big problem he’s facing is lack of sleep and anxiety. He was on Prozac for 3 weeks, and the doctors have moved him to another medication for the last week. I’m hoping the new medication starts working soon.

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Lay off the reassurances, he’s really not able for that yet and it is more likely to put needless pressure on his brain. He just doesn’t have the capacity for decision making or caring or loving, the brain has set him to neutral, as I describe it, and short term memory will be bad. Chances are he struggles to make choices, probably can’t even decide what he wants for his evening meal.

The brain has done that for a very good reason, it needs to concentrate on repairing the damage done to his brain, so it’s shut out/shut down what isn’t vital to that. Such things as feelings and emotions are not vital, its just about basic functionality.

The best thing you can do for him right now is just be there for him!
Be his friend, be his loved one; support and encourage him and don’t take any negativity personally. He’s going through so much more than you can see or hear because you are and everyone else around him are on the outside. Be strong, be patient and look after yourself too.

Lorraine

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Hi @Ash16

Welcome to the community, I’m sorry to hear about your situation with your fiancé and the stroke that he has had.

As other have mentioned emotions can be a bit of roller-coaster after a stroke. @Mrs5K has put a link to some helpful resources which would definitely be worth having a read.

Some of our other members may be along to offer some more advice on this soon. In the meantime, if you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community, please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.

Anna

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It’s not you Ash, after stroke we not only have the feelings above, but men especially dont like NEEDING anything, including care from you. We often think X is better off without me , etc. To be starting a new physical relationship is hard enough, but you add stroke to it …

He will likely appreciate you in time, but that could be a year away who knows. Either move on, or give him some space at the same time showing that you care. Weekly letters/gifts IMO

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Hello @Ash16 - Welcome to the community.

I hope you are finding it helpful and getting some steers especially from those who have been there and got the T-shirt.

Alas, I am no relationship expert, in fact, I’m not even an expert and so I cannot offer any specific advice. Funnily enough, and this happens more often than not, as soon as I say that, I find myself offering some advice :slight_smile: Hoe weird is that?

Here is how I see this. This is essentially a relationship issue with an added element - one of the participants has had a stroke. It is likely, and indeed it has been already commented on by previous respondents that stroke does this. With that in mind, you can say OK, this is because of the stroke and I should do XYZ …

But, here is what I am thinking. What if, stroke is only part of this?
Take away the stroke and look at the relationship.
What do you see?

Relationships are very complicated things.

This relationship has been going for 4 years+ and it is probably not your average relationship, or maybe it is (remember, I am no expert) with distance a significant element.

A major event was coming into the relationship - a wedding and then the stoke happened.

Weddings or the mention of, have been known to change the balance of a relationship have they not? What if this is an example of that?

Of course I could go on analysing this more and coming up with more questions, but perhaps noe is a good time to stop as I feel I may have given enough to start some sort of thinking/evaluation of the situation to go ahead.

It seems to me, you and your fiancé have some thinking to do.

I shall leave you to it.

Thank you for reading this, perhaps not your average response.

I wish you and your fiancé all the best.

Namaste|
:pray:

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Hi @Ash16 , my husband has had 3 strokes in the left side of his brain over the past 8 years and each time his behaviour and thought patterns have changed. I believe the left side of the brain controls behavour and logic and all sorts of wonderful things…
Some things will improve with time, others sadly may never. At this stage in your fiancé’s recovery it is too early to say which will be true for him.
All you can do is wait paitiently and be there for him. He probably can’t support you in your need at this time, so counselling can be useful for us to have an outlet and think about how we cope with the storm that has occurred.

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Hi Ash, I’m sorry to hear about the issues your fiance is having post stroke. I myself changed emotionally after my stroke. I was married 14 years but sadly it meant the end of my marriage. Life does not go as planned sometimes, and somedays, I wish I could go back to being how I was pre stroke. Living a life of regret changes nothing it just makes it a miserable one. I’m 5 years on and can connect to emotion to old memories but not new ones it just isn’t there. I still have empathy and I’m caring but that’s through choice and education (I know how to behave and the right thing to do). I try not to beat myself up over how I am now. I’m lucky to be here. It sometimes just takes acceptance (about how things are now) and time (to see if you want to make a go of things). My heart goes out to you both and I wish I could give you more encouraging/positive vibes but this is my experience. My stroke was an SAH (subarachnoid brain haemorrhage) so different to your finances. Fingers :crossed_fingers:t2: crossed it all works out for you both. I have had a lot of counseling (emotional counseling/CBT etc) but unfortunately no change. That old saying “it is what it is” best wishes to you both,
Dan x

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@Ash16 it’s so hard for both of you as there has been physical changes but it’s the hidden changes from a stroke we can’t see or know what to do. I’d say stay be supportive and also get a break for your “me time” when you can to recharge your batteries. You said he’s worth waiting for, that’s the key sentence “wait” and with wait comes patience and unknown time waiting . The emotional side will ease and I’m sure you will both take up where you left off before the stroke. …stronger couple….its getting through it that’s the hardest. I’d say keep any decision making or serious discussions very low key ..no pressure for both of you then, just enjoy what you both have at the moment. Xx

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@Ash16 I think you have had a lucky escape.

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