My husband and I have been arguing a lot since his stroke. We both hate it and want to move forward. He had right sided stroke. With autism & ADHD. I know he has mental confusion and sometimes only hears part of what is said. He sometimes explains things to people that I believe to be untrue. I used to correct him, but after he asked me not to do so, I have stopped (unless I forget!). He found out recently he has been ‘lying’ to people about a situation. He challenged me why I didn’t correct him and when I said it was because he’d asked me not to correct him, he accused me of blameshifting, and asked if he was such an ogre that I didn’t feel able to challenge him. I am hurt and confused, as is my husband, but from very different angles. This isn’t the first time. It can be very difficult to discuss topics without an argument ensuing. Is this normal? I don’t want arguments, but often feel if I answer a question honestly, that he takes the answer completely the wrong way, believes I’m saying it’s his ‘fault’. He often hears an angry tone, when I’m not being angry. Very much complicated by the autism/ADHD. I am at a loss. What can i do to change this?
Hello Alice,
Right now all I am going to say is that please try not to get too “anything” as a result of what is happening in your life right now. By “anything” I mean any or all emotions that are out of the normal of that makes sense. You and your husband are in an environment that is fuelling some of these out of the norm reactions and emotions and they might be feeling amplified as a result.
Misunderstandings and such like happen all the time in all walks of life and we learn to deal with them and it’s usually done by talking it through either directly or indirectly. Sometimes we might need outside help e.g. some sort of therapy - something you may wish to consider.
As I have only just read your note, I feel it is too soon for me to give a response other than an initial acknowledgement to let you know you are being heard and help is available and on it’s way.
Either myself, once I have had a chance to offer a considered response, or other members of this forum will offer suggestions which you may wish to consider.
For now, I think the best thing to do is to accept that this is not the “normal” you or your husband, it is you and your husband that are being influenced by events that our not easily in your control - they can be managed but it requires time to learn to deal with them.
One thing I strongly believe in is the power of faith and love. Have faith and know there is love between you and your husband and this will pull you through this.
With Peace & Love
I’d be a pot calling the kettle black if I knew the secrets to a relationship without bickering, but from a brain damage perspective it was therapy that helped me control my emotions and am less defensive than I was. Not just therapy with a person but I got myself a practical book on DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) and found that by working through my own issues with myself, I was able to become a much more grounded person. After stroke, I was a nightmare; temper tantrums, grumpiness, prickliness, and emotional chaos.
The whose fault is it scenario is just a blame game that can often lead to tit for tat arguments. That needs to nipped in the bud by one partner, otherwise it just becomes a circular argument for argument’s sake.
This I call a pity party, and my partner, youngest son and her mother all do it. I find it extremely infuriating and just say that I recognise it as a pity party and am going to ignore it every time because it isn’t useful and leads nowhere.
For many, this is as I am to understand quite normal for some, but not psychologically healthy. What kind of topics? Political, domestic, personal? Context is everything as far as what language we engage with for discussion.
Are these personal things or flat earth like things? This makes all the difference as to if or how he should be corrected.
Since he has autism, ADHD and brain damage, it may be the case you will have to be in the driving seat to help you both steer clear from antagonising each other. I don’t mean walking on eggshells, but recognising where the problems are when communicating and then trying out methods to reduce the possibility of the discussion flaring up into an argument.
That’s my Uncle Agonies worth 
.
This is a really difficult one for you as I suspect a lot of what is happening is related to his ADHD, autism and stroke which all have an impact on the brain. I pretty much echo what @rups has said. I wonder whether it might be time to seek some outside help and perhaps look at some therapy. It may also be worth speaking to a GP to see if there’s any referrals that can be done to help get an improvement on the situation. Sometimes it is a case of just walking away and letting go some of the arguments. This is a lot easier said than done.
Is it worth looking at the stroke associations here for you service. Weekly Volunteer Calls: connect with other stroke survivors and carers | Stroke Association
This is where they will match you with somebody who is going through very similar to you and you can have a telephone conversation with them over a period of eight weeks where you can just talk through any issues that you have or just talk in general. You may find that they can match you with somebody who is in a very similar situation to you and has some strategies that they used to cope with the situation.
Best wishes x
The answer is obviously simple.
You both need to lighten up a bit. Well, maybe, a lot.
Is there something you both find, amusing, relaxing, diverting?
Can you shift your focus in that direction?
Share some good moments and try to ignore all the messy, frightening disruption, which is trying to take over your life together.
All monsters demand you take them seriously because refusing to do that immediately strips them of power.
Giggle together. Get the rose tinted glasses out.
There’s loads of us out here, right now, engaged in that same activity.
We won’t let it beat us.
You both can and will prevail.
keep on keepin on
@Alice i was married to a man who had ADHD for 13 years,and the most important thing I can recommend is pick your battles wisely many things are just not worth getting upset about. I highly recommend Barkley’s book:Taking Charge of Adult ADHD, Proven Strategies to Succeed at Work, at Home, and in Relationships
Best of luck,stroke is hard enough to deal with on its own without neurodivergent issues getting in the way.
Alice - I would like to ask how the situation you describe is different now to how it was before your husband had the stroke.
I don’t know anything about autism & ADHD, at least not enough to offer any solutions, but I would like to see what might have changed as a result of the stroke.
The reason why I am asking is, the autism & ADHD is something you were living with and managing before the stroke and I am going to assume (dangerous I know, but I’ll do it anyway) that life wasn’t bad as a result of the autism and ADHD. From that premise I would go on to say that if you had worked out how to deal with autism and ADHD, then perhaps you can try to identify what is different now and then from there work out how to deal with the “new changes”.
What is promising for me to read, again without any specialist knowledge is what you say at the start of this post.
We both hate it and want to move forward.
That suggests your husband is aware, acknowledges and is willing to work with you on coming up with a solution. I would hope this would make it easier for you to work towards a solution i.e. it’s not just you continuously battling on your own.
Does this make sense?
Wrt to the autism and ADHD side of things, I defer to the other more knowledgeable members of our community.
On a personal level, and this may well have been covered by others, try if at all possible not to blame yourself or blame anything - this happens and we have to deal with it. Talking it through, getting it out of your system etc. all helps. For yourself, you may wish to try relaxation or mindfulness techniques to help you. Find something you can do even if it is for 10 minutes or so where you are being good to yourself. This is important as we can forget as carers to looks after ourselves and that is probably the worst thing you can do!
I wish you and your husband all the best.
Thank you everyone for your feedback. There are definitely some things here that resonate and that i can follow up on.
We are having counselling each week and that is helpful. And we definitely need to make more fun times happen!
Communication has always been challening, especially for him. And we would often talk past each other. Yet we got by and he was able to joke about a lot of it. But working out what is being said is much harder for him now, and sometimes impossible. The stroke has definitely made the autism/ADHD more obvious/prominent.
There are other complications that make it difficult for him to get out, so his previously small world has become even smaller. We are looking at ways to make that better, and i think that will help the overall situation be better.
All of this takes time and patience, but all the responses have given me plenty to think about over the next few weeks. Thank you.
It’s OK - take your time and I know you’ve got the patience.
In the words of the song, you’ll work it out.
Something that might cheer you and your husband.
