Have read some of the stories on here and realise that other people’s situations are far more challenging than mine but would like to share just to relieve some of the stress and anxiety I’m trying to manage. My situation is that my elderly father who lives an hour away from me and my husband had a 2nd stroke in early March. He was hospitalised for 4 weeks and then discharged home with carers initially in 4 times a day and visits from physios and OTs. He’s physically recovered OKish though is still vulnerable to falling so he is now paying for carers in the morning to be sure he is OK (social services carers were withdrawn because he was pretty much looking after himself with daily tasks). Inevitably, it has not been an easy journey as he got very down in hospital because the stroke ward was noisy and some of the patients were quite disruptive. He has also had to make a difficult decision to have his large dog permanently rehomed because he is too much for dad to handle and he’s scared he will be knocked over by him. We have been trying to do the ‘right’ thing by him since his stroke but its difficult to know how to cope with him sometimes refusing to let us sort out even little things that might make life easier for him (he’s paranoid about online services such as food shopping and won’t even let us get caller ID activated on his landline!). There are times when I have just done what I think is best and he clearly feels I am pressuring him into things. I was hoping that now he has daily carers coming in as well as a weekly cleaner we can restore some balance to our lives (and marriage), particularly as my elderly mother in law is feeling a bit neglected too. I know there is no easy answer but I feel that we can’t plan ahead for anything to look forward to (have already cancelled a holiday in June for my birthday). Even when we are at home I usually get at least one call a day relating to my dad. I’m also finding it hard to find the mental energy to devote to my hobbies which should help me with stress. Am not looking for answers here, as I said, just venting some of the anxiety and frustration of trying to deal with a situation for which there is no handbook! Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to read this.
@EthelAA Hi & welcome to the forum. You’re very welcome to let off some stress here. You’ll find a lot of understanding people here.
It’s a very difficult situation with your dad and trying to find the right balance for you both will take a bit of time. He sounds like he wants to be as independent as possible and may be struggling to accept that things might be different for a while.
To try & restore some balance in your life maybe you could start to reduce the time you spend helping him…just gradually so he barely notices to start with. This migh5 help to build his confidence & also help you worry a bit less. I don’t know how appropriate that would be so is only a suggestion.
Maybe one of his neighbours would pop in or perhaps a volunteer from the local area - our council has a volunteering service.
I hope you manage to regain that balance for you all soon.
Best wishes
Ann x
Sorry to hear your challenges. Welcome & I hope that felt cathartic
Hi Ann. Thanks for your reply. His neighbour has actually been incredibly supportive and provided practical help, but this makes me feel guilty because its not his job. We have been around this week but dad still wants us around earlier than we had agreed with dad next week. On the plus side I will look into what his local Age Concern branch can offer.
Best wishes
Cath
Hi Cath Your neighbour is probably very happy to help so try not to feel guilty about it. I was amazed by how many offers of help I had following my stroke…it took me a while to accept the offers though as I wanted to be independent even though I couldn’t be.
Hopefully Age Concern are able to provide some help for you.
Ann
Have you tried adult social services as well? Also at the local citizens advice about local charities that provide support
Hi @EthelAA and welcome 
Rant away when you have to here, it good to get these things off your chest 
It also helps you look at them from different perspective 
Chances are technology is not his friend at the moment and not likely to be for quite some time. This will be due to his cognition being compromised by the stroke. And if he’s anything like I was, he wants everything left well enough alone because he can’t handle changes or take on new information and worst of all, can’t tell you because he doesn’t know how to explain what’s going on his head or why. He’s comfortable with what is already familiar to him, anything more or new can be extremely taxing for him mentally and more likely to stress him out.
I’m 3yrs post stroke and it’s taken me the last 2yrs to remaster the computer and my mobile, which I’d only just downloaded all my music onto (until I ran it through washing machine this morning, but that’s another story 
). Cognition only started coming back onboard over a year after my stroke. So he does have very good reason to be paranoid about online services. To put it bluntly he will very likely skew it up, his brain is just not ready for it. It was easy for me because I have a husband and two grown techno savvy kids to help when I get stuck. But for those first couple years I wouldn’t allow them to make any changes for me in order to help because I only had the one mental path to follow to get from A to B in anything, I couldn’t detour or take alternative routes. The brain only gave me the basics to survive while it made its repairs. Just keep it simple stupid for the next year for him; you’re going to have to take your ques from him as and when he’s ready to take on more or anything new.
As for the caller ID activated on his landline, so long as it doesn’t change how he uses it i.e. he doesn’t have any other buttons he needs to remember to press (I know mine doesn’t require me to do any different), then I see no reason why you couldn’t just set it up while he’s taking a nap or something, then tell him it’s been done. But is he likely to be able see or read the screen?
Thanks for this perspective. I think you are right in that hes been through so much change even small things might seem too much for him to comprehend. I’ll certainly slow things down a bit though the irony is that he worked in computers for 25 years before he retired. The caller ID thing is somethiing he has been resisting since before his stroke but I can’t change it without setting him up with an online account with his phone provider first! He’s been paranoid about online security for years. Anyway, thanks again for your insight, it helps me think a bit more from his point of view.
And I’ve been a computer user for 40 odd years before my stroke. And I can understand his paranoia over online security, he would be classed as a vulnerable target right now anyway, and I dare say he knows that. Which is why its probably best to leave well enough alone for now