Hi, I’m new to this forum and any help would be massively appreciated. I apologise in advance for the very long post.
When my husband first had his stroke in March 2024 he had a very much glass half full mindset and made really good progress. He was happy to be a survivor.
Initially he couldn’t walk but was back up on his legs with the aid of a stick within 5 weeks, he had a NG tube but is now able to eat normally again. We even managed to have a holiday abroad which was a real bonus.
Lately his recovery seems to have declined in the fact that he complains constantly about pain in the bones in his feet and knees and is blaming the statins for this - I have told him to speak to his Dr about this - has anyone else had similar issues?
Over the past few weeks he is now more about what he can’t do than what he can and has become very snappy and irritable - me being the main target - again can anyone else relate to this?
His moods seem to have declined ever since he has started a phased return to work, (prior to this he was happy plodding about at home) his employers have been amazing and have made every reasonable adjustment possible. He didn’t like going to work before his stroke and wanted to retire (but he did attend and being honest did over and above his role and contracted hours), I think he blames his stroke on thee stress brought) He has said he doesn’t know why he should have to go now he’s had a stroke but sadly that attitude doesn’t pay our bills, he will find any excuse not to go (i.e. if he has had a G/P appointment first thing he think’s it’s ok to take the rest of that day off) I have tried to explain to him that if they are good enough to allow him paid time to go to the appointment he should then fulfil the rest of his hours that day as they are not going to tolerate him ‘blobbing’ without reason on a regular basis forever.
We are not entitled to any means tested benefits and he has an expensive hobby restoring old scooters. My wage alone wouldn’t sustain our lifestyle or even cover all our essential outgoings/mortgage etc.
He has never complained of excess fatigue but on joining a fatigue group in the last few weeks (at the recommendation of his rehabilitation nurse as he’s returning to work) all of a sudden has started identifying he is feeling fatigued, it’s as if another member of the group has mentioned something that he now decided he’s got which he didn’t have before.
He doesn’t seem to be able to tolerate noise, i.e when the Grandchildren visit he has much less patience with them which is sad as they idolise him. I ensure that they are in the playroom with me so he doesn’t really interact with them but when he does it’s half hearted and he complains about the mess.
I do absolutely everything for him to make his life easier, from arranging and reminding him of all his appointments, I do the majority of the housework, all the shopping etc so he has very little to do on a daily basis.
He makes no effort to show any affection at all towards me, not even a cuddle and I am feeling very lonely and more like his carer/general dogsbody than his wife. He tells me he loves me when I’ve done something for him and tells me he doesn’t know what he’d do without me but never on an ad-lib basis. He’s never been the most tactile of people but now it’s non existent.
When I try and broach the subject he flies off the handle and it ends up being my fault - like everything else does.
However when we are in company he is a totally different animal, laughing and joking until after our visitors have left or we come back home and he then reverts very quickly back to his ‘usual’ ways. I think this is why my closest people find it hard to believe when I confide in them about what daily life is really like.
I have my own health issues, (i.e. I’m almost blind in one eye) but they seem to be totally ignored or disregarded because I haven’t had a stroke so it’s not important. I have recently been through a 45 day consultation process for redundancy which I’m sure you will understand was really scary, I barely slept but he didn’t really engage with how I may be feeling. My shoulders were literally locked with the stress and despite dropping hints a little massage would be helpful he didn’t take me up on it but expects me to cut his ingrowing toenails to order.
Fortunately I’m one of the lucky ones so that pressure thankfully has been taken off me and I still have a job - one less thing to worry about.
I’m starting to become bitter and feel like I’m starting to ‘check-out’ and am just on auto-pilot which is the last thing I wanted to do, hence the main reason for my post. I will always continue to look after him and do my best but am really struggling, mourning for our old life and some fun every now and again.
I don’t want to make this about me and totally understand he has been through a life changing event, work can be tiring but yet spending hours on a hobby isn’t?
Can anyone please reassure me this is temporary and things will get better as if they get any worse I really don’t know if I can cope. I hate to admit it but I’m drinking more than I should to numb myself, I know it’s not helping as it’s a depressant in itself and am conscious that I need to find other sources of support, hence joining this forum.
Sorry if it seems like a rant or pity party I just need to try and some answers or solutions.
