This is just a little update on my husband (75) who has been in a SNF for about three months following his second stroke. Last month he suffered a UTI that turned into sepsis and he nearly died. This has set him back in several ways as he is now unable to sit up on the side of his bed and his aphasia is also worse. We have been clinging to the hope that he would get into a better and more skilled rehab facility soon, but yesterday I got the devastating message that this is now not a possibility anymore.
And now they want me to tell him and I am dreading it. Because this means that a permanent place in a nursing home is his only option. Something that I haven’t mentioned to him as an option at all. I am afraid he will lose all hope and become even more depressed than he is after hearing this. I’m trying to think of how to break it to him and how I can sort of soften the blow a little. I’m scared I will start crying, and he will of course cry a lot because that is one of the consequences of his stroke.
I have a specific nursing home in mind, which is not far from our house and it has a good reputation. But I know it has a waiting list so he will probably have to remain in the SNF for quite a while, which is not good as the care there really isn’t optimal. Him coming home now is not an option because I (59) nearly had a breakdown and became completely burnt out when he was home for eight weeks after his first stroke, and that was when he was in a much better condition with no aphasia or dysphagia and he was also able to walk with a quad stick then. Now he is being hoisted from bed to wheelchair and he has a NG tube in, but a doctor has said they will put in a PEG tube soon.
I am very nervous about my daily visit with him today and just needed to vent a little to someone who would understand.
Thank you for reading if you have read all of this
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t offer any useful words, but just letting you know you are not alone and we are all here for you. Please cater for your own needs and health as much as you feel able. I’m sure others will be along soon with helpful info, so I’m just offering friendship, empathy and strength.
Thank you @Dexster. It is good to know I am not alone and I am very grateful for this forum. I am not sure there is much to say, really, other than that life can be hard. 8 months ago my husband was healthy and working, and now he must resign himself to life in a nursing home.
Oh @AnnaC just when you think things are on the up…you’re having to deal with so much.
I think the best way is just to come out with it - he probably has an idea anyway. You could play on the fact that the place you’re considering is closer to home so will be easier for you. & a better facility than where he currently is.
Maybe ask if one of the staff cam be with you when you tell him. They often have a way of saying these things.
Moving out of one’s home can be daunting, but I guess if you frame it, highlighting the benefits like round the clock care, good meals, and that you will be heavily present and involved due to proximity, it may lighten the burden of such a transition. It’s just such a shame that these kinds of transitions often come with such long waiting lists. I wish you all the best with it, during this difficult time.
Hi @AnnaC So sorry to read but completely understand that you are struggling to handle the situation regarding your husband’s move to a care home. I would echo the advice the others have given you. If you speak to him about it being closer to home and that you will be there when the move takes place and that you will be able to visit regularly. I’m sure that when the time actually comes the staff at the care home will be on hand to help you settle him in.
You are in an impossible position and have to do what’s best for both of you. Your health and wellbeing is as important as getting the best care for your husband.
Sending positive thoughts and hope that everything works out well for both of you. Please keep us updated and let us know how things go.
Hey AnnaC - I can only echo what has already been said.
I agree with Ann @Mrs5K - “I think the best way is just to come out with it - he probably has an idea anyway.”
If this happens, it’s OK. This is a natural human emotion and I think it will do you both some good to get this out of your systems. Talking about it is acknowledging and accepting what is happening and allows us to move on and carry on with life.
Thank you for your kind words, @Mrs5K! I did manage to tell him and he cried a little, but it wasn’t too bad. I think he realises his situation quite well, as he is mentally fine. But it does seem like the hurdles are never-ending.
Thank you bery much, @Rups, for wishing me well! My husband took the bad news OK, crying just a little. The waiting list is a definite worry, as well as the cost. They will take 85% of his pension as payment, but that is just how the Norwegian care system is.
Thank you so much for sending positive thoughts, @Susan_Jane! My husband took the bad news better than feared, he has shown great braveness throughout the last eight terrrible months since his first stroke. I have been on partial sick leave since January and is currently working just one day a week due to sleep issues and anxiety. I hope I can continue being there for him every day. He has siblings but they all live in other parts of the country. His daughter from a previous marriage visits about once a week. And I have no family of my own, so the thought of losing him … Well. I sit with him for four hours every day, and those are the best hours of my day <3
Thank you, @ManjiB, for your very sound advice! My husband took the news a bit better than I feared, so now we will just go from there. I am not a fan of hiding anything, so as you said, just saying it as it is, is probably the best strategy. Onwards and upwards! (I hope.)
look after yourself too x
