My husband had a stroke 12 months ago, After helping him though all of this I thought he would be scared to go back to the lifestyle he had,Only to go back to smoking and drinking heavily.The consultants had told him to Change his lifestyle or he could have serious consequences he hasn't listened Nor will he listen to myself or his grown up kids, Unfortunately I have had to end our marriage as it was making me ill we had been married for 23 yrs he seems very happy now he has his own flat and able to drink and smoke as much as he likes.But I have this constant worrie that he won't be around for long. Thanks for reading this I know it's long but I don't know where to turn?

Dear Linren36


I am very sorry for the end of your marriage, I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through.

However, I want to tell you, from a wife of a stroke surviver still in recovery, you can not change your husband's mind, if he doesn't want to himself. I don't know if your husband was a stubborn person before the stroke or not. Mine was, but after nagging him, as he says, he normally comes to my way of thinking, if he thinks it is for his own good. However, before his stroke, I could never convince him to go to the doctor more often, monitor his colesterol etc.

Please, don't torture yourself about what your husband is doing. I know that he should choose to take care of himself for you and the children's sake, but, that has to be his choice. You did everything you could for him, and he is not listening to the doctors even. All you can do, if possible, is to support him, should he decide to take a different course in life. Perhaps little reminders, every now and then, or going out with the children, if they can, may help him to see his family love him and will miss him, if something happens.

This is just my opinion, I hope I have not offended you in any way, and I hope things improve in the future.

I agree with Tinkerbell.  Please don't torture yourself. You have done your utmost and have been through a lot to help your hubby.

I have had rows with my brother to do things like drinking water, eating sensibly etc...  (I am alone in helping him).  He doesn't always heed my pestering & I have had to abandon some issues.

You have done all you can and only he can help himself, stop smoking and drinking etc... Worrying will affect your health and not lead anywhere from what you say.  Acceptance is very hard. 
Please take care of yourself and accept things as they are.






Muffin and Tinkerbell give good advice. They are the most wonderful carers on this planet.

As the stroke survivor can I add that it is only me that can effect recovery. Support is great , but its really only me that make the improvements.

So dont beat yourself up.

The year that i had a stroke, the statistics suggested that 60% of survivors split from their partners. After all, we are different people to the pre stroke person, so splits are likely.



Thank you x I needed the support from people in a similar situation,He is a very stubborn person even before his stroke,I am still friends with him and helping him I have stopped reminding him not to drink or smoke and the kids have as well it seemed the more we mentioned it the more he did it, so us living apart is better for us all.He tells me now he will never change. He is happy living with no stresses or family life ie living with us, My daughter is 26 and special needs and he can no longer cope with her ? he told me the other day that excuse the language. His head isf**kup after stroke don't you understand you p***k And that's to me the woman that has always been there and always will be ? sorry that this reply is long but talking to you all helps x

This isnt facebook, so you dont need to limit your posts to minimum words. You are not making over long replies. Most of us have all the time in the world to read what you write.

Stress is a no no when we are recovering. Relaxation, counselling,yoga, hypnotherapy etc etc etc etc are important. Leaving home seems a bit excessive.

He is right when he says no one understands. They do not. 

I am not the person I used to be and my wife doesnt grasp whats going on. She has lost the husband that did everything, dealt with finance, drove her on holiday and everywhere else, spoke to visitors in a way that they would want to come back again etc etc. And that original person is not coming back again. So yes I can belive how rotten it is from your side of the issue.

Best wishes


This is a friendly and supportive site, populated by generous people who are always ready to help or just provide an opportunity for some vital venting!   So sorry to hear that things have gone very belly-up with your relationship, it's an extremely challenging situation to say the least, and puts an enormous strain on the strongest of relationships.  Maybe you've found a solution, even though it's not what you would have wished for.  I think my husband only swore about 6 times in his whole life, until he had a stroke ... he once shouted and used the "f" word at me, and I just couldn't believe what I was seeing and hearing - it truly rocked me.  (I'm a special needs teacher, so I've heard all sorts of juicy language in my time, and I'm usually un-shockable!!)  Things will improve, and if you've kept in contact, you never know - there's always hope for the future.

There's only so much that we can do as carers and partners, we also have to take care of ourselves, as this is a kind of grieving process for someone who is physically present, but maybe lost in part , and we have to start to re-build our relationships on that basis.  Wishing you better times ahead, stay strong, and keep posting - length of post is not an issue here!!

Best wishes xx


My uncle did exactly the same thing. It was awful. I'm sorry to hear your marriage ended. 

If you need to talk from a witness of the same situation. PM me.