Guilt

[DeAnn]

Since my strokes I have felt tremendous guilt over many things…Survivors guilt because so many, some much younger than me, that I knew personally were dying from Covid and other issues. Guilt that I was able to transfer hospitals, even though there were no beds available due to Covid, because of my sister’s constant begging and pleading. She got them to actually lie to get me in a regular room long enough to transfer, then moved up to ICU after just a few hours because the transfer was so hard on me. Guilt that I got out of palliative care and hospice when others did not. Guilt that I may have taken someone else’s bed and ventilator.

Then the guilt associated with being annoyed or angry at Nursing staff and family or friends there to help because they weren’t helping the way I wanted or needed. This actually might have been helpful, as I tried harder to do it myself and eventually could.

Guilt for being a burden to my family by needing so much time and care. I am not afraid of death, but definitely afraid of being the one who overwhelms others by being so needy, afraid of being stuck with only my thoughts and no way to share them or be helpful in any way to others.

I also feel guilty to the American public who now pay for all my care. I would not have needed all this care had we had a national health care service, and have paid for 50 years of taxes to pay into the system as well, but have taken out way more than I paid. Now I have better healthcare than those who pay privately. Only public servants and the very rich have it better than I do.

I feel guilty also, to all of you, who are not always offered the benefits I have been getting in health care. In most ways, your NHS system is much better than here. In others, at least for me, this time, I am getting better care. Maybe because of the gratefulness, begging, and pushing myself to do better, or maybe just dumb luck, or prayers. I was initially put out with no further help once I could walk with four post, (I think that is what you all call it). If I had not had an emergency with a bout of AFib, kept in hospital and my neurologist visiting me there, noticing how poorly I managed, I still would not have gotten help with these things. Now they treat me so well I want to cry in thankfulness.

You all treat me well, also, and keep me from going bananas with loneliness, boredom, depression and apathy. You have taught and are teaching me, how to pick up the pieces and build them into something new and beautiful. Thank you.

[Mrs5K]

@DeAnn oh that has bought tears to my eyes. I totally get the guilt feeling. I’m always apologising to people for being a burden, useless, a nuisance etc etc. I also always feel the need to compensate for their help by sending them gifts, flowers etc. Not once has anyone complained about helping or let me down. They know i’d do the same if the boot was on the other foot.

I guess we should all tell ourselves that none of us asked for this. We are just doing what we need to to get through each day. We have paid our taxes, whatever form they take, so shouldn’t feel bad for using the services we need. I guess in the long term it saves money as we may recover to a level that we don’t need so much help & can give a bit back to society too. If we didn’t recover at all we would be a bigger drain on everything/everyone.

Sending hugs xxx

[Susan_Jane]

Hi DeAnn, I completely understand where you are coming from. I feel guilty every day for something or other and it can be very draining at times.

Mrs 5K also echoes my feelings. I’m not sure why, as stroke survivors, we are so hard on ourselves but I’m sure most of the contributors here can understand how you feel.
Let’s give ourselves a break. Take care and have a good weekend everyone

Regards Sue

[chris67]

@DeAnn i too feel guilt, that I survived and all the burden I have put on my husband, both mentally, emotionally and financially. The finance support is not there. I have tried all avenues with cab office, who agree their is no help for me. But on a positive I’m happy today. Enjoy your day all. It does get better

[Jul]

Please don’t feel guilt easier said than done people love you enough to get that care accept it with the love intended I have signed up to online counselling and when I said I feel bad as I don’t do sick notes she said I hear a lot of guilt coming from you she’s right I think this is what we do to ourselves be kind to yourself x

[SimonInEdinburgh]

The emotions are inescapable.
I guess the real question is how you labelling them. I think Jul’s labelling of “being grateful for the love” is a healthier equivalent than the ‘guilt’ feeling. I’d never really categorised in those ways and I don’t feel guilty for the help that I get.
I feel very grateful and I say so and thank especially to my wife on a daily basis. I just checked with her ( midpost!) she said I shouldn’t feel guilty because it wasn’t something deliberate that i’d done. I’m pleased to also report that my impression that I thanked regularly was her impression!
On the “people not doing things the way you would” that one I recognise. while I haven’t exactly come to terms with it I do as much as possible say to myself philosophically well you couldn’t do it yourself, I also try and minimise the circumstances where it occurs, largely by trying to be as self-sufficient as possible which is a motivation for improving a rehab opportunity.
As for the services versus the taxes paid I have no guilt about demanding the services that I’ve already paid for. I recognise others are paying in now and they will need to draw the services possibly in the future and that’s the nature of insurance - It’s all just risk management!

[TRFCANDY53]

Thats the key @DeAnn you have not wilfully or deliberately brought this situation on yourself or the others you mention, but i get what you say loud and clear.
Taking my 19 year old sons hand to walk into a Tom Hortons for a drink was really tough - but he offered me his hand and asked me if i needed it.

That choked me because we both know it was something that woukdnt have happened pre stroke.

He’s going to Uni in September so i will treasure all those moments positively.

Plus i can now officially hug two handed now that my left shoulder is starting to loosen off.

My affected arm looks much more like a normal arm… my son took this pic

today

[DeAnn]

I love it! And I especially love the idea of holding hands with your son. That is priceless. Keep doing that whether you need it or not. We all need it for reasons other than stroke just as much. PS…you don’t look like you have had a stroke! You don’t actually but I know how much trouble that sometimes causes us as people can’t see what still troubles us. It is both good and bad. Love seeing the picture. Another round, please. Make my beer a stout or porter.

[mealand66]

i like u feel guilty of being a burden to others when i need to go hospital appointments, or shopping

[Mrs5K]

Fab pic Andy, treasure those moments with your son. They grow up far too quick. I’ll have one of whatever you are drinking. It looks very refreshing