Hi everyone,

I'm a first time poster here. My father in law had a stroke about two years ago. The doctors said he was unlucky, with extensive brain damage. He has some left paralysis, with no function in his arm and usually forgets his left leg is there. 

This week my partner and I have come to care for him on our own for the first time so his wife can take some respite and I'm finding it really tough. He was never really super chatty before the stroke but now he says maybe 20 words a day. All he does is read his kindle, even through meals. I'm struggling because I don't know if that's what he wants and that's what's making him happy or if I should be trying harder to engage him?

We're also struggling with care support at the moment. They are understaffed and this week can't come to get him out of bed until after 9am and won't come to put him to bed until after 9pm. The issue is the more tired he is, the less movement he's capable of. A month or so ago he fell while trying to walk from his wheelchair into bed, and since then he's basically refused to do any walking at all -- meaning he's losing the ability quite quickly and it's making getting around even harder. When he's exhausted he struggles more, and then gets frustrated and angry, which he takes out on us and the caters.

It all just feels a bit hopeless and unsustainable, and like we should be able to do a better job than this but don't know how. Is this normal?

Dear Sber

the stroke association do a series of booklets, about stroke. They are excellent and i urge you to read them.

i would consider getting him in to a home. If he isnt able to try then maybe a home would suit. Maybe the finances wont permit, but i seriously wanted to put myself in a care home because i couldnt cope with daily life.

no one understands things from us SS viewpoint. Only another SS understands.

transfering safely is a major key point. 

how does mum manage ?

i do feel for you. 
best wishes



He was in a neurological rehabilitation centre for about a year after the stroke, and he was so desperate to come home from there that I think we've always he wouldn't want that. But maybe you're right that he would. It's hard to know what he actually enjoys, because it often feels like he's trying to give the "right" answer when asked; rather than the truth. But I just don't know.

Mum is not coping well. She's a very strong woman, and she's mostly distracting herself by keeping herself incredibly busy. But it's clear she's burning out, and taking her stress out on the carers too which isn't nice to see.

I just want everyone to be as happy as they can be given the circumstances 

I must admit i have only been involved with very nice care homes. By buying a package for life, the cost is more affordable.  i do appreciate that i am financially secure. 

i cared for my Mum, in her own home, and it wore me down to a frazzle. By the end i was hardly functioning. And i was in my prime.

how do you help, what a problem. I think that your mum will need huge support and i dont know if that support can be forthcoming.

i do maintain that us SS have to make the effort ourselves. Support is most welcome, but its really down to us to make the effort.

best wishes