I feel such a failure. My husband (67) had a stroke in April 25 (50mm clot on left hand side). He has lost the use of his right side and has Aphasia. He was in hospital and rehab for 11 weeks and has been home for 8 weeks. I have struggled with caring for him even though we have carers coming in 4 times a day. I’ve finally broken down and have had to put him into respite care. Didn’t think I could feel so bad about anything. I promised to look after him and have failed. I’m hoping that after I have had some rest and put myself back together I will be able to have him back home. Please tell me I’m not alone in feeling like this.
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I’m sure you’re not alone, but I’m also sure that you haven’t failed. Your husband has had a life-changing event, but so have you. Everyone struggles with this, and sometimes that struggle can be too much. You’re no use to him if you’re feeling broken. Take the time to heal, make sure he knows how much you want him home again, and just be there for him when you can. If anything this just shows the strength of your feelings for him. He’s lucky to have you.
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I have so much admiration for carers. You are doing the hardest job. Taking a break while your husband is in respite care will be good for both of you. Speaking as a stroke survivor your husband probably finds it hard to be dependant on you.
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Hello @Only67 - let me start by saying well done on being brave to take the action of getting respite for yourself and your husband. I am sure it was not an easy decision for you, but I can assure you it is absolutely the right thing to do.
I echo everything that both @harimanjaro and @Janetb have said in their comments.
You were put in a very difficult situation with no warning and no training on how to do the job that you are doing which is looking after your husband. I expect you might agree that this is the hardest thing you have ever done and I happen to agree. Looking after a stroke survivor, especially someone in your husbands condition is very hard for someone to do on their own. You say that you have carers coming 4 times a day and this already indicates how much care your husband requires. Also, and it may be the case that you have good carers and they are helping you, but sometimes these outside carers can be more trouble than they are worth and you’re almost better off not having them - I hope this is not the case for you, but it should not be assumed that just because you have third party carers you are being helped.
I really admire the fact you have tried to do what you have done and having done it for as long as you could, you realised that you needed help or a break or respite as it is called. Let’s be clear, what you are doing is no different to a job or profession and as you will know when you have a job you get paid holidays and you get bank holidays and you get weekends off and you get sick leave if you fall ill etc. etc. By default, you get none of these as a carer and yet carers carry on doing what they do. It is truly remarkable and not easy to explain how they do it, but they do.
However, the fact and reality is that you cannot be a carer if you yourself are not well or able to provide the care you are trying to give. To be a good carer, you have to know when you need help and you must be able to step back and get that help so that you can remain healthy and strong to provide the care. The person you care for will know this and understand this. As a carer you must not feel any guilt or think you have failed because you need a break or help.
Please do not think of what has happened as a failing - it is not. If anything you may have been let down by the stroke team looking after your husband by not ensuring you as a carer have access to all the support you need to do your caring role. Just by giving carers 4 x a day is not necessarily the answer. There may be other things that are needed - the right equipment, training for you in correct moving and handling techniques, physio and OT for your husband etc.
I hope you know by now that you are not the first person, nor will you be the last person to feel the way you do and think the way you do. There have been many on this forum who have been in the same situation and we all get through it.
Being a carer does not mean you do not think about your needs. When was the last time you thought about treating yourself? Giving yourself a proper rest etc.?
This respite is the right thing for you and your husband right now and you will both be better off for it. I am not sure how your husband has taken what has happened to him and how he is coping, but please do sit down with him and talk to him. Be honest with him, explain what you are doing and why. He will understand. Be there for each other.
Wishing you both all the best.
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Hi @Only67 and welcome to the forum. You’ve been through a very traumatic time and will be feeling rather shell shocked after what your husband has been 
That was, after all, a life threatening event he experienced and you don’t just get over that over night you know. So perfectly natural and understandable what you must be going through right now.
I would suggest giving the Stroke Ass. a call and having a chat with them: Stroke Support Helpline:0303 3033 100. They can provide a weekly phone conversation with one of their trained volunteers you can actually chat with and help you off load some of your worries and stress and get help get rid of all that guilt that’s, no doubt, eating you up. You are not alone anymore:people_hugging:
Here For You: connect with other stroke survivors and carers
Here For You: connect with other stroke survivors and carers | Stroke Association
Weekly Volunteer Calls | Stroke Association
You have done what is best for both of you right now. You clearly love each other very much or you wouldn’t be here. The stroke itself is a distressing enough time for both of you, having strangers coming into your home 4 times a day only adds to the strain 'til something has to give. You were wise and made the right choice before that happened. And it’s not forever! And as he gets better, albeit slowly, life will get easier for you both. The first year is always the hardest and takes time to find your feet and settle into this new type of norm. But it will happen, have a little faith in each other 
I still have mild aphasia, but in the early stages post stroke, that was hardest thing to contend with, not being able to speak, not even write, to reassure my hubby and kids. Your husband must be so frustrated that he can’t reassure you. You may even find that its a relief for him too, going into respite for a couple of weeks. And not worrying or stressing himself out over what this must be doing to you.
So now its time to take care of yourself. Get out and meet people, talk to others in similar situations to yourself, join your local carers group if you have one. You probably find that advertised on your GP’s notice board in the waiting room. The Stroke Association will probably be able to help with that too if you give them a call 
You don’t have to be alone in this and don’t bottle it up, and there’s plenty of us on here for advice or a chat day or night whenever you need to talk. Take good care of yourself now
Lorraine
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@Only67
You have not failed, you had done what is best for you both. Failing is when someone keeps going and doesn’t do the right thing. You have put your husband in a better place. I do not want to ever be a burden on my wife nor my children. But they are aware when to do if I cant do for myself. Feel no guilt and no failure. Good luck 
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Please don’t feel like you have failed, you have just come through 6 months of the most difficult and stressful situation in life that most people would struggle to cope with.
Whilst it must have been hard to make the decision to put your husband into respite, it is the right decision for you at this time. You cannot take care of someone else unless you first take care of yourself. Please be kind to yourself, allow yourself the time to recover and come to terms with all that you have both been through. Caring for another person is so hard no matter how much we love the other person. Allow yourself the time you need to recover your strength and mental health, you will be a better carer for it.
Just keep letting your husband know how very much you love him and reassure him that the change is temporary and he will be home with you again, just as soon as you are well enough to cope and look after him, I am sure he will understand.
Are you getting enough support from family and friends? we often feel we cannot burden them when these things happen, maybe if you told them how much of a struggle you are finding things they would rally round you. Please also speak to your GP and the stroke team to see what help and support they can also offer. Do not feel alone, there are many stroke survivors and carers on this forum always ready to listen and connect with you.
Take care of yourself.
Lizx
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@Only67 I can only echo what everyone else has said. It takes a very strong person to admit that they need help. You have not failed (although I understand why you feel like that). Being a carer is one of the mist difficult things you will ever have to do & you also need support & help to get through it.
Carers coming 4 times a day barely touches the surface of what help he needs & the rest falls to you. That’s a really difficult situation for you too.
Right now, your husband is in the right place. But this doesn’t have to be forever. He should improve over time & when he vomes back that will make it just that little but easier. You need to look after yourself too & you can use this time now to get yourself in a better place.
Sending you lots of strength & best wishes.
Ann
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Please dont feel like a failure!
I can completely relate - my husband lost his right side and speech 2 years ago next week.
Its was hard,long days and lonely at the start. Today he was can walk with a stick and the words are coming back and he gives me the strength to carry on and fight for a life once more! It just takes time…
Dont give up, look after yourself and together you will achieve amazing things!
Xxx
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Thank you, that gives me hope. Everyone on here has been so supportive.
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Your new and unasked for role as carer is huge. You didn’t sign up for this and your own mental health could suffer. You haven’t failed, you’ve done the best for both of you. It’s a steep learning curve to deal with this. We don’t know what to do, how to cope. The frustration, fear, stomach churning anxiety.
Look after yourself first and I hope things improve for you 
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