Don't know what to do in my relationship

[MBG.12]

Hello everyone.
I’m more or less new here, been reading you all for a while now.
My partner had a stroke on December 2023, he’s recovering well, despite he saying he’s not.
He always has been an extremely critical person to himself, looking for constant perfection on everything he does, sometimes being critical/intolerant to others, but never with the intention of being horrible, he just can’t against his nature. Before the stroke he suffered depression as well, and always refused to take any kind of pills or painkillers, certainly not the “I’ll go to doctors” type.
I love him deeply but I also can say he has a complex and quite rich personality, and sometimes can be unflexible.
So…now…all that staged to an impossible level. Plus, his stroke happened shortly after we’ve started dating. Never wanted to leave his side, I want to be there for him, for everything that he needs and wants.
I even left absolutely everything for him (I was in another country, taking care of my old father, who passed away this year…so you can tell I’m having one strike after another one. In the meantime, also lost my job and more horrible things) I’ve left my house, my friends, my job…I’ve only took my 3 cats with me and moved to the other side of the world, on a complicated area, while I was still mourning my father…
He didn’t asked…I know I was the one who took the desition.
The thing is that his stroke bringed all kind of new things, besides the complicated ones that already existed…
He doesn’t like being touched (even on his good side), no intimicy at all, he complains if I kiss him…
Now he seems to be having some sort of control on his mood swings, something that the first months where something absolutely impossible to deal with. There was, literally, NOTHING I could say or do that won’t start a tantrum on him.
I feel his frustration, his suffering, his physical and emotional pain, the grief for himself and the life he suddenly left behind…
But I also deal with depression since many years ago, always battling for others to feel good and try to take care of everybody (friends, family, co workers, etc) only my two best friends knows I battle against depression, nobody knows, nobody that knows me would think I do, I’m always with a smile, making jokes and supporting others, while I constant have to deal with intrusive thoughts like “you’re worthless/you’re nothing/you can’t do nothing right/etc”
And I know that’s my thing and he doesn’t have anything to do about it, and all this is about trying to help him and support him…but I’ve just reached a breaking point on where I feel less than a ghost, and all my insecurities and inner struggles are being feed up by constant outside circumstances.
I’m facing the fact and trying to swallow and process the fact that he might don’t love me, that he just doesn’t want to be alone as he’s 56 and never had too many good relationshiops (me either and I’m 34, but I have a magnet for toxic people. Thankfully, he’s not, just too grumpy sometimes )
He sometimes says he loves me, and sometimes he shows he’s gratefull for everything I do for him (I do it gladly, he doesn’t even need to say thanks, I’m constantly looking for him to be comfy and well) but he does and I appreciate it…but it’s more like a type of affection like a pat over my head, more than the woman that is next to him no matter what.

Been understanding, kept it quiet, been supportive…but I just can’t. I don’t want this reality anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care about the stroke, I would choose him no matter what, I love him deeply and I want the best for him, but it’s heartbreaking to feel like I’m something beetween a friend/maid that randomly he gives a kiss on the lips and that’s it, I don’t feel that he really loves me and that’s what kills me.
I’m so sorry I come with this, it’s just that some days I just can’t anymore and I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.
My whole life has been a constant fighting, a constant struggle, as soon as one thing gets sorted another one comes next. I can’t believe my bad luck about the fact that I find “the love of my life”, the man I always wanted, and then he gets a stroke. That was so fcking bizarre and unfair that I really just can’t believe it.
It breaks my heart everytime I enter to his studio (he took everything away, he used to work with his voice by recording documentals and now he struggles with aphasia!! For fck’s sake!!!) Breaks my heart to see his old hiking stuff as he loved going to the mountains. He always has been a very active/nature person, and now he lays on sofa most of the time, not wanting to do anything else. Doesn’t take compliments, doesn’t agree that he’s improving…

I know he’s dealing with the most horrid part, but I feel like I’m mourning everything I’ve left behind, my dad, him (even if he’s alive, but in some ways he’s completely different, so “I miss him” terribly, even if he’s two steps away from me) mourning all the things we’ve could have done together as a couple…
I just don’t want to wake up anymore. Everyday, instead a new chance, feels like a f*cking endlessly curse, among more other stuff that didn’t wrote down…

[Trace57]

Hello @MBG.12 .
I don’t really know how to respond to your message but it’s clear you’re in horrible emotional pain and it’s my thought that your partner is also suffering greatly. It’s heartbreaking to witness the transformation of a loved one from fully embracing life to being struck by stroke (or any serious illness) and then being unable to participate in life as before. Your partner will be struggling with many things and he’s probably scared and anxious but may be unable to express that. I’m sure he’s very grateful you’re there to help him through this time and it sounds like you’re doing all you can to make his life more comfortable. I wouldn’t perceive the lack of intimacy as a personal slight, although I can understand the rejection is painful for you. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love or care about you anymore. It’s still early days and it can take a long time to accept and adjust to a life interrupted by stroke. Going through a period of depression wouldn’t be unusual in this situation, especially as he’s prone to depression anyway.
You have changed your whole way of life for this man and not only are you mourning the loss of your father, you are now mourning the loss of the life you had for such a short time with the man you love. He, too, will be mourning what he has lost. It’s hard now but please don’t despair. It won’t always be like this. There’ll be lots more hurdles along the way but I pray you’ll find the strength to keep giving the support, love and care that’s needed. Keep reaching out on here as much as you need to. You’re not alone even though it might feel that way.

Other people will be along soon to respond to you and offer help and advice. In the meantime, I hope you will accept the virtual hug of reassurance I’m sending to you

Trace
Stroke Improvement Group

[SimonInEdinburgh]

Hi @MBG.12
Thanx 4 sharing the background to your story

One reflection might be that it sounds as if you’re partners physical & mental recovery are on different tracks with mental needing attention?

One of the hardest adjustment for me is that the OCD^[1] like standards I followed for decades are now aspirational - But in another way I was lucky that I accepted I’d had a stroke immediately and that was going to change life .
I quickly reorientated to aim at finding the ways to make it for the better for me and things I could influence

Acceptance is a necessary step. Often after shock, disbelief and anger and before healing. You’re absolutely right at "the life that we suddenly leave behind”. A few of us can reasonably expect to resume it but for the majority acceptance that we are now on a new path is hard.
The skills and experience we have still stands us in good stead to make progress towards new goals. But it’s a difficult transition and one that I think has to be made

Talking therapies might be a defined discipline that can help? But the " no pills no doctors” ethos might be "I’m not sharing inner thoughts” - Is it something you can talk to him about? Stroke is not something that strikes one person. You have needs that have been affected and have a right to expect recognition that may be difficult territory?

The fact that you have complex emotional needs also shines through and you might benefit from some talking therapy and the pair of you from couples therapy?

you talk about emotions rather than other aspects so these sound as if they are the things that on which everything else rests. Maybe your post is too get out into the open some thoughts of your own that you must then inspect in order to come to decisions?

Your introductory post is long and I don’t have the spoons to address all of it now but others will likely pick up on different points such as Tracy who is also replying at the moment

One thing is for sure; stroke recovery is measured in years not months I’m 4 years past and still improving.

Caio
Simon
SIG

Ps Would love to see pictures of your cats here’s one of mine

Pps - Is there any concrete proof of his physical improvement that you can show him to examples of with the difference between them and then have a conversation about how a glacier is not be seen to be moving but they are making progress, how societies make noticeable changes when viewed across the long term.
stroke is very much a glacial or a societal change - from your description he sounds as if he has the intellectual outlook to appreciate the analogy - when he can see that progress is being made and what to optimise for he might be fuelled with new inspiration - that’s how I channel my OCD focus towards my improvement

---

1. obsessive compulsive disorder ↩︎

[Anna_Moderator]

Hi @MBG.12

Welcome to the community, I’m sorry to read about your situation and your partners stroke.

You may find this article helpful on emotional changes after stroke and I would also recommend giving our a Stroke Support Helpline:0303 3033 100 a call - they may be able to point you in the right direction for some help for both of you in your local area.

Please remember to look after yourself, a stroke really does affect everyone around the stroke survivor too.

I’m sure there will be others along soon to offer more advice and support.

If you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community please don’t hesitate to tag me using my username and the @ symbol.

Anna

[matt_d13]

Sorry to read all of that.

If he won’t take pills (yet!) it definitely sounds like you should try. As others have said it affects more than one person. You might find they help take the edge off things for now or help see things more clearly. At the very least, you said about not wanting to wake up, they might help fight that feeling.

As mentioned, he has made progress, and you can try to show him concrete proof of that happening. I know though that it is a vicious illness to be struck down by and it’s easier to say that than it is for the person to admit it.

All you can do is look after yourself first by speaking to your doctor. Then try and persuade your partner to do the same

Stroke is bad, being alone and suffering from stroke is worse.

[pando]

Hi there,

I’m sorry you’re upset. Your partner isn’t doing so, well, that’s for sure. BUT imagine a world in which each and every day your partner improved a tiny bit, and his capabilities grew, inch by inch. To see this bigger picture, you would have to make careful observations, take notes for sure, and repeat those observations each month. Once you embark on this journey of improvement, it is still not over, but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that doesn’t mean he’ll recover 100% but what it means is that it brings hope. With hope, everything is achievable. I have been on such a journey, and so can you both, should you accept this challenge. Get on the same page, join forces, and work together. Together his chances more than double. I would be dead without my wife. Mind you she says the same about me, and she hasn’t even had a stroke!

I have a good feeling about your case. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be shouting for help. Good luck in your journey. Look after yourself, first, and then embark on the journey united… when he’s ready. Give him a little time, not forever, but enough to engage his mind and body

good wishes, Roland

[Mrs5K]

@MBG.12 Hi & welcome to the community. I’m really sorry you’re struggling so much at the moment. The inner turmoil of loving someone who you aren’t sure loves you back is difficult for anyone to deal without all the added complications you mention. My heart goes out to you.

Could you speak to your partner & tell him how you feel? He might not realise & it’s possible that he is struggling just as much, thinking he’s a burden & not wanting to tie you down to him. He may equally be finding dealing with his current situation really difficult & not reached the acceptance stage yet. That can takr many months but is an important stage to reach.

You do though need to look after yourself too. Maybe start with your GP. They should have support in place for carers & can also help you deal with your feelings.

I think the Stroke Association phone number has been shared above and you could benefit from ringing them for advice.

Do you have friends / neighbours who would be happy to help out? Even if just for an hour here or there. Then you can have a break. Also, can he do more for himself? Helping a stroke survivor is importnt but so is allowing them to help themselves.

Sending you lots of good wishes. It will get better but please seek some help.

Ann

[Bert]

Hi @MBG.12 Just like everyone else who has replied to you, I am so sorry that you are finding everything a big struggle, but your partner must be feeling the same way and probably feeling very depressed and also feeling useless - but probably feeling really scared and frightened. He won’t want to be upsetting you and making you feel unwanted, but there is a lot going on inside his head and body that is taking its toll on him - and you.
Can you get to the Doctors or a Help group? Maybe ask at the GP surgery if there is a nurse or a support group that you can both go to? That would help him start to feel a little safer/secure and will do the same for you once you can both be facing this together. Remember, it can get better, maybe not perfect, but keep looking forward and above all, be positive and like Ann says above, seek help.