My 3 year check in is one of many parts but mostly distractions and layering on the biggest smile, hiding the real, depressing, undertone that is going backwards.
Back in march this year, I went back to A&E because I’d had another stroke. Luckily, I didn’t. Despite waiting for 9hrs and then booked a seat in researching department the day after, it was the old stroke rearing its ugly face saying “I’m still here!”.
Damn you!
But, while I was in there, with a up to date MRI, I looked longingly at the scan of my brain - its almost magical, to endeavour to speak with my brain and say “what’s happening with you? Come on, progress means it’s starts with you and I’ll follow with.exercising or praying or anything else but not nothing”.
Anyway, I slept a lot that week because the migraine felt stronger and more intense but once it passed, I, almost melancholy, stood back and started to measure my progress.
And you know what, I was moving backwards. The root cause is one year to the date where my employer produced the redundancy card and I was left to find the new job but no job awaiting for me! Before that news, I was making progress. I was travelling more, I was working more (70hrs per week because I’m passionate about the work), navigating the escalators in the tube, the stairs at the offices, everything was like a new experience learning things I’d probably forgot. But now, nothing?
I was like a small child again, vulnerable and alone, backwards 2 years before.
I paused the job hunting, and volunteered to work on my mother in law’s property whilst she was not there (mental health), but the undertone, raw and real, is still I’m vulnerable despite my happy veneer.
So, this weekend marks the 3 year check in and I’ll summarise with one word - alone.
M