Caring and Feeling trapped by guilt

My partner had a right brain stroke in November - out of the blue no warning signs.
We had already planned to separate after selling our home and going our separate ways after 20 years of living in the same house but not cohabiting. He is 84

I feel terrible now as he is assuming that we will stay together because of his infirmity ( left sided problems and left sight problems - cognition ok). I spent 4 years looking after my mother who had Parkinson’s and Lewy body dementia - I was worn out by the hard physical work and the stress. Her condition caused her to be abusive and violent to me at times. My autoimmune conditions flared up and I also suffered several bouts of pneumonia. My partner did nothing to help me or her then. I simply cannot face looking after him now, who three months ago, before his stroke, was happy to go his own way taking his share of the proceeds of the sale of the house, and was happy I cashed in all my savings to bail him out of his debts that he hid from me until I found out in 2013. I was a fool. He has not made any provision for me should he die in all of the 20 years we’ve been together. We made no cohabitee agreements. I am not entitled to have any widows pension from his several private pension and his state pension.
The debts which he hid from me hence why we have to sell our property ( he’s done this twice now) seems to be a thing with him, he did this to his ex-wife too - they also lost their home.
So why do I feel so guilty at not wanting to be his carer, because I feel sorry for him. But i know if the boot were on the other foot he would not care for me, in fact the proof of his concern or care for me is evident by the way he has conducted his life.
After his death I would not be able to afford to stay in this house - I’d have to sell up and I would find myself exactly where I am right now. I am not his next of kin and I do not inherit in his will - apart from being allowed to stay in the house, but I cant afford to do that as I have no savings only a state pension. If I sell I release the equity of the house and his % is released to his sons.
So I think better do it as soon as possible and clear up this mess whilst I still have my cognition, am still mobile and hopefully can have a little bit of happiness before I die .
I am 70 and have several health issues myself some of which are spinal. I feel so much of my life has been spent looking after others I have neglected my own life. I am not a commodity despite being termed as an “assett” by my partner’s psychiatrist ( at the clinic) to my face ( he thought it was a compliment) ! I was offended - I am a human being with a life and not a dish rag anymore.

I am due to attend a family meeting at the clinic he is in at the moment to discuss with a MDT and his sons about his future care and his return home. I am dreading it. But I have to steal myself to be honest. Both the sons knew about our planned sale and split.

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Hi @lin1

Welcome to the community, I’m sorry to hear about your partners stroke and the situation you’re in.

My first bit of advice would be to speak with your GP to see you can find some form of talking therapy as this may help you over the coming months.

I would also suggest Citizens Advice for any advice on your financial situation.

Lastly, you can also give our Stroke Support Helpline:0303 3033 100 a call. They have a wealth of knowledge and may be able to help point you in the right direction of services that may help you.

I’m sure there will be some more members along shortly to offer some more advice.

Wishing you well.

Anna

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@lin1 Hi & welcome to the community. So sorry to read of the situation you find yourself in. It must be very hard to know what to do for the best. I can only offer my thoughts on your situation as I have never been there myself.

Whatever the health situation of your partner if you do no wish to be with them that shouldn’t change because of their stroke. In my view that just breeds resentment & will make everything even more difficult than it already is. There are things that can be put in place to help your partner should it be needed when they are able to go home. Just be honest at the MDT meeting & tell them about the planned split and that you aren’t able to look after him. Better to do it now than when he is home.

You are important too & you need to look after yourself & be happy.

I would definitely seek some advice re the finance side of things. Citizens Advice can help there.

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

Ann

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Hello @lin1 ,

Welcome to this community where it is hoped you will find the help and support you seek as a Carer.

Having read your post, I feel there is a lot going on there and much to think about and understand.

I echo what @Mrs5K says in her response and hope that the family meeting at the clinic will help to move you towards the best outcome for you.

As I understand it you have done a lot [of caring] for other people and find yourself yet again being asked/expected to do more for another person. I don’t know you and I don’t know your partner, but going by what you have written, I would personally think it may be time to put yourself first. I get the feeling that you know what you would like to do and what is best for you, but for some reason there is this guilt element that is stopping you from doing what you would like to do. I would ask myself, where the guilt is coming from, is it from yourself, or is someone making you feel guilty?

Perhaps the stroke has muddied the waters and so wonder if it is worth thinking or asking yourself “What you would I have done or was going to do had my partner not had the stroke?”.

Your situation is complex and has moral and financial considereations and I wouldn’t want to try to analyse and propose a solution as I don’t believe I know you well enough to do that. But I will say that perhaps you should think about yourself and your needs and these should take priority over your partner’s. It seems your partner has other support i.e. his two sons, possibly other members of family and friends, as well as the “state” / NHS / MDT etc. He does not appear to be alone and appears to have some financial support from pensions.

You have said it

Do that, steel yourself and be honest.

Prepare yourself for the MDT meeting you are due to attend and be clear what you want the outcome to be. No one can guilt-trip you into becoming a Carer and more so if do not wish to be one. You are just one of many at that table!

Wishing you all the beest and I hope you find the answers to your questions and I sincerely hope you will find the happiness that you seek and deserve.

Namaste|

:pray:

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I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Good that his family aware you were already planning to go your separate ways, that should help.
I used to work with a doctor who at MDT meetings was very clear if someone was offering a home to a relative in need of care.
“how well do you get on? If you didn’t get on very well when they were well, you certainly won’t if they are unwell”.
I suspect the biggest hurdle will be calming your own guilt. When someone is unwell they can seem very selfish, as all their thoughts are concentrated on their own situation and recovery doesn’t leave a lot of energy for others needs. Sorry to ramble. It is important to be honest from the outset and yes see Citizens Advice re your tenuous financial situation.

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I have been overwhelmed by the generosity of understanding and the degree of kindness in all your replies .
I expected nothing of the kind in fact I rather thought I would be rebuked for being self centred.
I am tremendously grateful for you all who have offered your advice based on experience and I take it with open arms. I will be honest and kind at the mdt meeting and as my own health is not robust I have to consider that too.
Thank you all for giving me strength. :heart:

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@Bagrat has made some excellent points in her response and I am sure this will help @lin1 to prepare for the MDT meeting. I don’t think it was a ramble at all :smiley:

@lin1 , you should be clear what you want the outcome of the meeting to be and please do not let yourself be pushed into making a decision you may later regret. There is nothing wrong with taking time to think things over once you have all the information. This may likely have a big impact towards your goal of having a little bit of happiness before you die. You are not asking for much :smiley:

You deserve some happiness and you deserve to enjoy your live.

Wishing you all the best.
:pray:

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