Care home v home

My mum had a stroke in beginning of feb. She was in hospital for almost 2 months and she’s was sent to a rehab care home. She was there for 5 days and fell out of bed even though we asked every day for bed guards. She was taken into hospital and 9 days later is still there as we refused to let her go back to a care home that did not care for her. From day one they fed her the wrong food, luckily I was there and stopped them then half hour later they came in and offered her food again that she couldn’t have ( her swallow isn’t great and was on minced) then they bought her pills in and tried to give them whole. I could go on and on !! Well Today they told us that they don’t think she will make any more major improvements. Her left side is completely paralysed she cannot sit unaided and she has to be hoisted from bed to chair. We have refused to allow her back to that care home !

It’s heartbreaking she wants to go home. My dad wants her home they have been together for 65years Mentally she has some confusion but aware of what is going on she says she wants to come home but then adds she just wants to have a shower wash her hair and get in her own bed it. She is 82 but before the stroke was healthy and active
So ! So do we let them have their wish and try and let her home with the package of cares 4 times a day, apparently they bring the bed chair and hoist too. I don’t know. Of course me and my sister absolutely want her home but only if we thought this is a safe option, my dad is also 82 falls a lot, deaf and has some health concerns. Sorry if I’ve gone on a bit !!

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Dear Jacksk
So sorry to hear this story. If your sisters are nearby your parents, I reckon the carers visiting 4 times a day ought to be tried for your mum AND your dad. Get them both assessed. My husband [74] had a 3rd stroke 4 years ago with some paralysis on top of CP meaning he can’t stand or walk, and has partial sight, can’t read, speech aphasia and some right hand weakness as well as Type 2 Diabetes, and we have had 2 visits a day even though I am fit enough. 4 visits are really necessary for your mum if she has to go in and out of a hoist. They need 2 carers for insurance purposes. I have to contribute financially but it is much better than letting my husband go into a carehome which would be ten times more expensive and who knows if he’d be really cared for. We tried it for 4 nights once and another time 2 nights to give me respite and he said never again! So we get 4 visits a day to give me respite and I can have 28 days a year. Your mum does seem worse after the stroke and is older but try to get her some therapies- physio and speech therapy only lasted a short while from the NHS; we had to get our own sources but gave up on physio as my husband just got scared of having to travel in the car 18 miles there and another back, and wouldn’t practice the exercises. I can see next he might need a hoist. If you and your sisters are nearby you have an asset in rotating your care watch! Blessings on all you can plan. We do sympathise re the inadequacy of the care home / rehab system-Anne


Thanks for you reply. And am sad for your husband too.
she is also double incontinent and would definitely need the 2 carers 4 times a day. Me and my sister live over an hour away and my sister is in full time work so feel realistically we could visit 2 times a week each.

@Jacksk so sorry to read about your Mum and what you have all gone through. This takes me back to the issue I was faced with when my late husband had his stroke 2 1/2 years ago. His right side stroke left him paralysed on his left side with no speech and he was peg fed as he couldn’t swallow. The hospital refused to let us care for him at home as external care could only be provided twice a day and insisted on 24 hour nursing home care. I hardly saw him and our kids weren’t allowed to visit. He gave up mentally as he wanted to be at home and his condition deteriorated. I fought the system as hard as I could but will always feel that I failed him. I hope you are able to get your Mum home and they give you the help and support you and your Dad need to keep them together. Thinking of you all. Marie x

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Thank you for your kind words.
So sorry to hear about your husband,
The navigating is so very hard !

That is difficult. See if she can manage with the carers; it must be better in her own home somehow, for your dad too but maybe there will eventually be a case for moving them somewhere nearer or to a residential home together -though that’s not easy to get or pay for! I hope there might still be room for her to improve, even regaining continency and muscle power to some extent there! You can sometimes find advice on this forum from others. Sadly I can’t think of anything myself. My husband rebels at any exercise to keep what muscles he has going and the NHS only keep track of his meds once a year- funnily enough today! I had to get him to a blood test and fortunately we still have one at the stadium that is a drive through so I don’t have to get him in and out of the car twice! May you have wisdom to know what to do for the best with your parents. Blessings- Anne

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Thank you for your reply. I’m sure there is no easy answer. Just scares the living daylights out of me.
Hoping your hubby is ok.

He is as okay as he will be. I sense a deterioration over the years though. He’s only 74 not like your mum. It depends on their personality as to whether they will push through to try to recover some abilities or not. The brain is ‘plastic’ and can learn through new routes how to move an arm or fingers or something but it is slow persistent work. My husband will not persevere sadly. Yes, it does make it scary if you think too far ahead. I have my Christian faith that helps me refocus on good things around me. I hope your parents have good neighbours. Get someone nearby to give you their phone number if they notice something but the carers would notify you surely once you have them established. They don’t always come consistently. At first, we had regulars and then it diversified to a larger team. We manage with them quite well though. I hope you get a good team.

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