Hi Ann, my pal came across this and sent it to me re my hubby. I had a read and thought of you. Ah I can’t include links . Check out Cauda Equina.
Cheers Wendy 
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Hi, sorry I know that this is tough on both of you but the call to 111 or NHS 24 with option 2 may not sound like it will help but it is just not to get people to hospital it should also generate a referral for you with your local adult social work and community mental health teams. As a worker have had to do this countless times and even had the crisis teams out to support, but you need support to support your loved one and sometimes need to seem almost selfish as you are first in the queue to help someone else.
I do hop that you both get some answers and more importantly the help you both need.
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Hello Wendy - I am a little late in joining this tread and I’d like to start by welcoming you to this community.
I have been following this thread since you joined but haven’t responded until now as I felt there wasn’t anything I could offer that others haven’t already suggested.
I feel now is the time to offer you something and hope it might help you. As I understand it, you are caring for your husband and it seems you are doing this on your own. Of all the notes you have posted, the below from yesterday strikes me as the most revealing and most important.
I feel you are doing an incredibly difficult job looking after yourself and you have coped as much as you can, but you need extra help i.e. it is too much for you to manage on your own. I am pleased you have reached out for professional help after your meltdown and I really hope they will help you understand how you can better manage the situation you find yourself in.
It is important that you focus firstly on yourself - if you are not fit and able you will not be able to care for your husband. So you have to make yourself the number 1 priority. Once you have got yourself mentally and physically ready, you can focus on helping your husband but you should / need to seek help e.g. family, friends and/or professional carers as appropriate.
Getting help for you will help you to help your husband.
I speak as a carer myself and I can assure you that what you are feeling is not uncommon. Carers can forget that the most important person in this is the carer i.e. you and me.
Luckily I realised early on that if I was not fit and healthy, I will not be able to care for my Mum. So I had to learn to step back on occasions to give myself time to breathe. Get away from the stressful environment - go out for a walk, watch TV, read a book, listen to music.
This is not me being selfish - it is me being realistic. I have to know my limitations and I have to be able to ask for help and so do you. I have my sisters helping me and I have friends (Mum’s friends) who can come and provide some respite.
Also, we have carers (Mum needs double up care) and they also help.
It is not easy, but once you accept that it is not selfish to look after yourself first , because if you don’t you will not be able to care, it becomes easier. It is still tough, but you feel less stressed and better able to manage/cope.
In conclusion, I will say this and unless I am mistaken, I feel most stroke survivors reading this and most carers reading this will join me in encouraging you to put yourself first. Right now, you may benefit from getting some respite relief - to get someone to look after your husband while you recharge your batteries.
My own experience tells me that you cannot just carry on without help.
With regards to the help for your husband, I would ask what advice came out of the consultation with the psychiatrist and are you able to put that to use.
Also, have you/would you consider hypnotherapy for your husband. You have said, it is a feeling he gets that he wants to move bowels rather than a actual need and so this could be a psychological problem. Psychologist or hypnotherapist may be able to help.
I hope that you and your husband will be able to get the help you both need.
There is a saying “There is no I in Team” - this is not true. There is definitely an “I” in team and it is you (who is the I). Please look after yourself, get help for yourself so that you can then do what you clearly would like to do which is to help your husband. I understand why this is happening - it is because you love your husband so much.
Namaste|
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Thanks Wendy. I have heard of cauda eaujna but knoe nothing about it so will give it a look. Thank you.
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Hydrate the bowels ; Magnesium and Earthing did it for me
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What is earthing?
Did you use stuff like Aloe Vera at all?
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Hi, my understanding of earthing is contact with the ground barefoot usually on a patch of grass or a lawn. I was dubious at first but it does help the feeling of calmness overall. i think it’s pando above who has suggested it but second the idea as do feel it has so many unknown benefits.
I’m sure someone better qualified will drop in on this too.
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It isn’t a good time of year to be standing outdoors barefoot on the grass.
I don’t think it would be appropriate for either you or your husband right now.
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I agree! I don’t think I could get him to do it anyway.
The brain injury from the stroke has affected his reasoning, perspective, problem solving, decision making etc. As well as affecting the nerves that deal with tummy, bum and bladder.
The most important to address is the feeling of needing to toilet frequently and whenever he wee’s there is watery poo. (TMI sorry)
Fix the bum, fix the head.
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Wendy - @pando is our leading authority on earthing/grounding and has contributed much on this subject. Here is a link to one of his posts on the subject. You will find links to other posts within this and you can also search for more using the search function in this app.
Best wishes.
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If anything, if his experience is similar to mine, right now he is in shock and struggling to deal with that.
These changes are traumatic.
I was lying in bed scarcely able to move. The nurses would roll me on my side to wipe my bum and dry me off. It was awful to be so helpless.
It takes a while to deal with all that but one does get over it. Gradually you work towards something and somewhere that is easier to cope with.
There are always ups and downs but over time things do improve.
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Am fairly new to this forum. This thread has been a very interesting topic, particularly melting down events. My husband had a bleed on the brain exactly six months ago. Affecting his balance and if course fatigue.
After 7 weeks in hospital, he is doing well but I am finding the more we try to get back to normal activities, the more stressful it is for me. A mini disaster struck on Friday when I fell and fractured my shoulder while rushing to deal with everything - trying to be superwoman, fitting in my exercise and support needs (looking after myself) So, we step into a new chapter with little idea of what lies ahead - no driving for either of us and endless outpatient appointments for him but we will be slowing down and maybe thats a good thing. We do have a large network of friends in our village and we have two good legs, three arms and one and three quarter brains between us, plus a fairly good sense of humour. Also we were loaned a hospital bed plus lots of equipment and, rather than sending it back I am now sleeping in the bed to ease the pain overnight.
Good luck to all carers and their loved ones. Pace yourselves as much as possible.
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Hi @Lilers
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through such a hard time. I’m pleased to see that you’ve had lots of responses from our community.
I agree with what our other members have said, you need to make sure you’re looking after yourself. I would recommend calling 111 and speaking to them, even if it’s just for a chat about what’s happening and how you’re feeling.
Anna
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No way am I ringing 11. I did that twice for my husband. Incredibly stressful to talk to them. They ask a load of daft questions re your sexuality then say go to A&E where you get referred hours later to the same MH team that I’m already in touch with.
I had one blip. Should have kept my gob shut as everyone giving well meant advice puts more pressure on me and makes me more anxious.
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There has been a lot of good advise given from a very supportive group of stroke survivors and fellow carers.
The thing you have to remember is not all of it may apply to you as we can only base our response on your initial posts. We don’t know your personal circumstances or life history to do any more than that. All you have to do is take what you think might apply to you and your husband. Don’t stress yourself about the rest, just know that it was well meaning and we’ll be there again for you in the future should you need us.
We also bear in mind other readers, when responding, who may be in similar circumstance to you. So what might not be beneficial to you, may be of great help to them. So you see how your one post could be of great benefit to others.
Lorraine
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@Marigold56 sorry to hear that you have fractured your shoulder after a fall. Very painful I should imagine.
Slowing down is definitely a goos thing. Life is too fast paced these days.
I love this. A good sense of humour gets us through a lot.
Keep smiling.
Best wishes
Ann
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Thank you Anne.
We had family with us all weekend for my birthday and are truly blessed in that department. A word I read on another thread here was “safeguarding” and it stuck in the back of my mind. Mulling things over quietly this morning, particularly what happened in A&E (I was dropped off and on my own not taking all in) I realise now the doctor picked up on my carer role and was filling in some details on the computer. Tried to address this with hubby as he has three outpatient appointments this week where this might escalate somehow. He was quite annoyed as he was doing something else so I produced the list below . The bit at the bottom “the rest is fluff” is a safe point which I can visit to destress and the others are Peter’s checklist of what he and I need to focus on now to keep him safe at home. I was unusually direct about this. Wondering now if it is an overreaction to box ticking by professionals or whether safeguarding is a real and present issue.
The fracture clinic phoned and are sending an appointment plus exercises/helpful instructions. 6-8 weeks until I can drive but assurance they dont think an op (more delay) will be necessary. At least I have a plan now. My golf girls group have decided to come over together to dress my Christmas tree nearer the time so something to look Forward to and, joy of joys, one of my winter waterproof macs fits over my sling so I am going to plan some short walks out of the house to eleviate cabin fever. I am just really disappointed that, after six months’ evaluating hubby’s falls risk etc, I let myself be put into a risky situation trying to help a neighbour. Hey ho ….,
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Happy belated birthday. Hope you had a lovely time with your family.
Good to hear that you won’t need an op on your shoulder and fingers crossed you have a smooth recovery and will soon be back to normal activities including being able to drive. It is hard enough to manage when one of you is out of action but when both of you are that makes things doubly difficult. As a carer you need to ensure you look after yourself too. You will probably hear this said many times but it really is important. As you can’t help Peter if you’re not well yourself.
I imagine at A&E they were doing their usual checks and if they picked up on your carer role they would just want to be sure that you and Peter were not at any real risk of harm. I would have thought if that was going to be an issue they would have done something whilst you were in A&E. You mention your family and how blessed you are with them so if any questions are asked you could mention that you have them to help.
I like your “rest is fluff” line. We may call it different things but you are so right with what you say. One thing I had to learn after my stroke (as many others do too) is that things can wait (and they often have to). They will still be there when you are able to do them / have the energy to do them. This was completely alien to me as I am someone who once I decide to do something it has to be done now. That’s not the case anymore.
Your golf girls sound great. I wish someone would come decorate my Christmas tree. I love to see a decorated tree but I am not very good at actually doing it. It usually looks like a 3 year old has had a go when I have decorated it 
Short walks out sound like a great idea too. Cabin fever can set in really quickly and even at this time of year fresh air does you the world of good.
Hope things move quickly in the right direction for you and you are soon back to your normal self.
Best wishes
Ann
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I think this was intended for someone else.
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I wouldn’t suggest anyone who wants to stay in to go outside (nor the other way around) However, can you believe it was 17° today 6th Nov, in Bristol, at midday (which is warmer than the 13° on July 4th !)
I was outside 4 hours on my lawn yesterday, and 4 today, which included a shortish 1 hour walk. It’s so great to be outside in the fresh air… my mood & health were far better out in nature, compared to a dark, stuffy room, in front of my computer.
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