Am I being selfish?

My husband had a massive stroke 2 years ago almost to the day. Physically we were so lucky but the speech was an issue… we engaged with therapy but didn’t really see a massive improvement…. My very naive question is - the complete and utter personality switch - is that a thing and will it ever improve!??..… I bite my tongue daily I do - and his speech is really great and functional - he is back to his day job and travels as he used to - I think (he doesn’t tell me)!.. tends to only be when he’s tired etc but I’m Kind of mourning the loss of the man he was because he is just mean!... Two years of waking up to him calling me f*****g useless and a complete w****r…. And then saying we’re absolutely fine when I try and talk to him!... I’m drained and just stuck!.. this is not a life I envisaged and I get the stroke was not his fault!.. but the kids are feeling it and I have never felt so bloody lonely!!... Anyone else feeling it??



What you say tells me that he is really upset about what has happened to him.

Pretty understandable really.

His reaction is to stomp on you, take his upset, fear and misery out on you.

That is just not right.

He is not helping himself and he is alienating you.

One day he is going to have to accept what has happened.

Until he gets that anger under control he is going nowhere.

It is harsh but he is master of the situation and he can pull himself up or drive himself down.

I hope for both of you that a way opens up.

@AJBconcern for yourself is not selfishness, looking after him is commendable, but if you don’t look after yourself you will be no use to anyone. I think you know that.

Oh, my stroke was about two years ago, too.

All the best and

keep on keepin’ on
:writing_hand: :smile: :heart:

(Maybe it would be good for him to chat with others who have had to deal with stroke, I know it does bring me down to earth.)

Well that’s him dealt with, maybe you need a little attention too. If you could meet up with others affected by stroke I think you also might get some benefit.

The old saying ‘a trouble shared is a trouble halved’ could be very relevant here.

. . . and as I said before, I hope you both find your way out of this.

Keep using the forum it is a great place to get answers from people who know.



No @ajb your not

I agree with Bobby, and your husband/ partner may be saying ‘we are fine’ but clearly he is wrong because you’re not - You’re far from fine and if it’s also affecting the kids that’s their whole life being coloured by what they are taught about interpersonal behaviours on a day-to-day basis

I’m at no expert but I would suggest that you search out some relationship counselling and also that you consider what would have to change for your long-term mental health to be on a good trajectory not the apparent bad one - all really tough conversations to be had with yourself possibly by others with training in support



Sounds like he needs a wakeup call and that’s on you!

He sounds like someone who may actually be feeling insecure and worthless inside, since the stroke, and covers it up with a mask of perfect infallibility. You are the person closest to him who can see the actual truth of him so he will lash out at you for questioning him.

It far easier on the self esteem to call someone this than to accept it of yourself.

First thing you really need to do is talk to your doctor, get counselling before it gets any further out of hand.
In the mean time, if one of your children came out with something like that, how would you deal with it? He’s behaving like a stroppy rude teenager then he should expect to be dealt with accordingly. He clearly needs boundaries and consequences.
It would certainly do you no harm to make use of a few of these tips:
Make him realise his behaviour and his stroke are no excuse, and you are not accepting it. Temper tantrums and precocious brat spring to mind; he needs to grow up again :wink: I wonder, would some timeout work in the naughty corner :face_with_hand_over_mouth:

He certainly can’t be allowed to project his own insecurities on you. You are the one who has seen him through this, continued to care for the children and the household in general etc. He should appreciate that and be grateful for it, not resent it and try to make out its your fault.


@AJB i would echo what others have said. It’s not really acceptable for him to behave like that and if it is upsetting you then something needs to change.

It is possible that his stroke has affected his personality and I wonder whether a check over by the dr would be beneficial. At the very least maybe you could talk to the GP about what’s happening & how you are feeling as they’ll be able to give you some practical advice on what to do.

It may be that he is struggling to accept what has happened but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Does he realise how he’s behaving?

Sending my best wishes to you.

Ann xx