Advice to help my Father caring full-time and exhausted

[poppyw]

Hi Everyone!

Thankyou for accepting me into the community, I wasn’t sure where to go that I could post something like this online but it seems very active and supportive here

My step-mother had a stroke a few years ago after having a reaction to covid - this completely flipped my dad’s life around and since then he has been caring for her full-time all day everyday.

I’m aware she has Aphasia and Dyspraxia, she has a lot of trouble communicating fluidly (apologies I’m not sure of the specific logistics of everything).
She has some mobility but is wearing a leg brace and needs help daily for showering and in the mornings but mostly she can get herself around the house on a daily basis.

She has a speech therapist, physio so she’s getting care on the level to help her improve which is great, I think it’s more just additional support that could be needed.

My reason for this post was to seek some guidance on how to go about helping my Dad, I live quite a distance away and really he needs some professional help every week to give him a breather and to know my step-mum is in good hands as well as some restbite care sometime so he can have at least a few days or a week for him to be able to do something for himself at one point.

However, he is really struggling to relinquish control over everything due to feelings of guilt and says he is waiting for her to improve as other people may not understand her needs but he seems very anxious, very tired and I can tell he’s starting to break from it all and needs help as soon as possible.

He’s also very nervous that she won’t have the correct one-on-one care he believes she needs at a restbite centre and says he hasn’t got the energy to search for one. I think he’s just very overwhelmed and also has health problems of his own to deal with as well as the housework, cooking etc. I’m sure many people here are experiencing a similar circumstance.

They live in Brighton, I’m wondering if anyone could lend me some advice as to how to help him and think more long-term for his own needs too, I’m feeling worried about the state of his mental health.

If anyone has any ideas, any recommended and reliable restbite centres within the area of Brighton & Hove, communities, meetups - private care that he can trust that would be absolutely amazing.

Thankyou so much for reading, any kind of advice would be most welcomed!

Poppy

[Mrs5K]

Hi @poppyw & welcome to the community. Simon has covered a lot of options but i’d try getting in touch with adult social services and getting a care needs assessment done. Maybe, if he finds it too hard to relinquish control of your step mums care, he might consider a cleaner instead. That would help with keeping the houae clean freeing him up a bit more time. Also, are they having food delivered rather than visiting the supermarket? I hated it initially but very glad of it now.

Adult social services may also be able to advise about respite services. Age UK often have support groups too. You could also look into day centres or similar whete your dad could maybe go for a cuppa and a chat with others. Equally GPs often have carers evrnts & provide support too. Is he registered as her carer with the GP? If not get him to do so. Maybe a neighbour / ftoendwould sit with her for a bit to give your dad an hour out. Our local council also have a volunteer service where people will do little chores for someone or juat have a chat with them. Maybe Brighton offer something similar.

If i think of anything else I’ll pop by later and mention it.

Best wishes

Ann

[ManjiB]

Hello Poppy @poppyw

As someone who drifts in and out of this forum, I sometimes miss posts that are of interest to me when they are first posted. I came back to this forum a few months after your post and so didn’t see it until just now

I would normally have had something to say and still may be able to offer some suggestions as I am a carer myself and your below comments about your Dad do sound familiar to me

@poppyw

he is really struggling to relinquish control over everything due to feelings of guilt and says he is waiting for her to improve as other people may not understand her needs

@poppyw

He’s also very nervous that she won’t have the correct one-on-one care he believes she needs at a restbite centre

My sister and I felt/feel the same way as your Dad and we have had to learn that we do need to allow others to help and to get third party help. It must be even more difficult for your Dad if he is on his own - I have my sister and it’s still hard.

But before I go any further, I’d like to check with you, if this is something you still need help with or if it is something you managed to sort out.

If you do need help, we are here and maybe we can come up with something. If you are now sorted then I am pleased for you and wish you all the best.

Namaste|