There is no easy way to say this.
This is not a happy ever after message.
Stroke just happened.
We just endured a traumatic, that is to say, extremely scary, frightening, one way experience.
A total disaster, so no going back.
Now moving forward into darkness, despair.
It can’t be this way, it can’t be so bad, but it is.
I’m still alive, I want to shout and laugh with relief.
Everything has gone, I cry rivers of tears for what I have lost
Where did it all go?
Why can’t you understand me.
Are you there?
This is still me, I’m sure it is.
Nothing is the same, how can I cope?
I am alive, I weep uncontrollable tears of relief.
I’ve lost it all, my hollow laughter emphasises what is no more.
I must walk away from myself, search for something new.
I try to comfort those who who care for me.
Have you been here?
Do you understand?
Is this lonely place reserved for me alone?
I keep looking back and see only burnt bridges.
There is nothing ahead.
How can I
Keep on keepin’ on
Somehow I am okay
Just digging deep
I might be happy tomorrow
Where did that man go? The one that could just get up out of a chair and could do something, anything, in the blink of an eye. Who could plan the next day’s events with no fear of completing the task at hand or the joyful event. I see him hiking in the nearby forest, driving for miles to the seaside, to the mountains, to a friend’s home.
I remember him building furniture or repairing things that needed mending in the home. He would rake the Autumn leaves and enjoy the fragrance of the crisp air while feeling the strength of his arms as he raked and moved about the lawn.
He could bound up the stairs, the steps, no handrails needed to get to the top. He was a show-off at weddings because his dancing was so fluid and rhythmic. Carrying heavy loads, moving heavy things for the family made him …well…useful.
When I remember him, I despair, I cry, I bow my head and think…I miss him and will fight to get him back…fight.
I wasn’t looking where I was going the other day and me brain fell out.
I was a bit clumsy.
I think I picked up all the pieces but I haven’t got the instruction book.
I put the bits back together but it isn’t working like it used to.
I’ll keep shuffling stuff about and maybe I’ll end up like I used to be.
It’s like the Rubik’s cube, there must be a way to do it.
If I had a half way decent brain I’d probably solve it in an afternoon, or maybe in ten minutes over a brew.
I think you know what I mean. It can’t be all that bad.
Oh Bobbi how I feel like you at times . I know I have got better over time but I’m still nowhere near the old me. I’d love to tuck my legs under me on the sofa., play wx my granddaughters on the floor like I used to , sleep in a position that’s comfy.and a million and one other things I used to be able to do. All I can do is keep trying and keep practicing exercises so my brain rewires and in your famous words keep on keeping on! Try to keep positive both for yourself but especially for your loved ones and when you get down talk to us cos we know and share your sadness . Virtual hugs, Suzywong x
You are so welcome. I wish we all lived near each other so we could enjoy real hugs when they were needed. I just repeat my mantra every day which is yesterdays gone, today in every way I’m going to get better and better. It doesn’t always work but that’s what I aim for. Chin up and keep trying. It’s all any of us can do!! Love Suzywong xx
It is early morning, light just breaking through.
It is a new day.
I just read all through this thread.
Thank you to all who commented. Between us we have put together a place where we can say what we need to say and listen to what others have to tell us.
I’m sure that this is a help to get through all that we suddenly have to deal with.
Sharing our experience is therapeutic and can help us to find what we need.
This is a new day and there will be a new tomorrow.
Such a long list.
There are so many of us.
. . . and, I suppose, there will be so many more.
We are blazing a trail that they will follow, that you and I have followed.
We are here for one another.
I ruminated on my struggles and pains of yesterday and planned on strategies to fight tomorrow. How did I miss the Autumn leaves of yellow, rust, red and orange just outside my window?
