On the 24th October my husband had a right brain stroke at 47! He didn’t drink or smoke and was very fit, he says he doesn’t feel like himself anymore and has lost his identity as an Alpha Male who rescued people, built houses and thought he was indestructible. Now he’s been felled by this stroke, it’s heartbreaking watching him struggle to dress himself, I desperately want to guide him to recovery that is meaningful and hopeful but he’s changed personality and seems passive, disinterested in driving his van, can’t see a future where he fits and I am finding it really frustrating watching my husband do nothing.He’s stubborn and is unable to motivate himself, our lives depend on our business, I am not ill, so I can’t appreciate how he feels, how does anyone manage this? do I step back or push him? all the love and affection in the world isn’t going to bring back the man I married, will he be like this forever now?
@Prue Being a stroke survivor myself, you need to adjust to the new you. The old you is gone forever. Not enough talking is done about stroke to make people more aware. Good luck for the future 
It is still early days. Recovery is a marathon. It cannot be rushed. Your husband’s recovery depends on him. He has to want it.
If your income is compromised you should look into claiming benefits. There a lots of organisations who can help with information on what and how you can claim.
No, not forever, the Alpha in him will return and poke through, one day. It will be noticeable, and you’ll hear the same expressions that defined him as the man he was… and still is !!
Has he lost mobility? : How severe was his stroke ( on the NIHSS scale?). Knowing this could put us on the same page, otherwise we are possibly talking apples vs. oranges.
Good luck, Roland
Hi @Prue
Welcome to the community, I’m sorry to hear about your husbands stroke and the difficulties you are both going through.
It’s always such a shock when these things happen and can take time for both of you to come to terms with. Your husband is still in the early stages of recovery so there is every possibility that things will get better. If you need some extra support you can call our Stroke Support Helpline:0303 3033 100. They have a wealth of knowledge and can also just be there if you need a chat too.
I’m sure more of our members will be along soon to offer their experiences of this and I hope you’ll find this community helpful as you and your husband navigate through this difficult time.
If you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community, please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.
Anna
Hi Prue, so sorry to hear of your husband’s stroke and the struggles you are both facing. Welcome to our community, I hope you will find this a useful place to be. We are a merry band of stroke survivors and between us we have a wealth of experience in the stroke world and someone will be along soon to share their experience with you.
Sadly stroke does not discriminate and many of the contributors on here were fit and healthy (including myself) before their stroke hit.
The road to recovery is a long difficult journey but I’m sure with your love and support your husband will begin to make improvements over the coming months and years. Stroke affects not only the stroke survivor but everyone around them and it will take time for both of you to come to terms with your new life.
I know it’s early days but have you considered attending a Stroke Survivors Support Group in your local area. Both my husband and I found this to be very helpful in the early days of my recovery. The group was attended by a wide age range of people from 18 -75. Some people came alone and others with partners or carers.
We both found that speaking face to face with people who know exactly what you are going through is worth it’s weight in gold. We found our group through the Different Strokes website www. Differentstrokes.co.uk
I know it’s easier said than done sometimes but be kind to each other, be patient and remember to take good care of yourself too.
I look forward to hearing from you as your husband’s road to recovery begins. Best wishes to both of you.
Regards Sue
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It’s early years yet, stroke rehabilitation takes time for many, depending on many individual factors. Considering his stroke was so recent, he needs to rest, so his brain can repair, at least for six months, no motivation is natural, and fatigue, the myriad of uncomfortable and disconcerting physical and mental sensations can make a stroke survivor withdraw into themselves while they try and see through the brain fog. No one can predict how he will be in the future, the beneficial thing is taking each hour at a time. Not sure he should be on the road so soon after stroke or would be able to. Stroke can change personalities in the long term, often people change direction in life because sometimes they have no choice and other times, the sudden limitations bring new perspectives to the self and society.
Before stroke, I was a rough and ready individual, thought I was tougher than leather but now I am more like linen, I had a cerebellar stroke at 44.
Hi @Prue I was also 47 when I had an haemorrhagic right side stroke.i also didn’t drink or smoke and ate a vegan,vegetable based diet.i can’t walk,talk or dress myself .but in the last few weeks I’ve learnt to feed myself and lift my legs and bottom to help carers put my trousers on.i struggle with jumpers and shirts but try to engage my arms.right is good but left weak and requires support,time,patience and repetition are key.if you told me a month ago I’d be eating and drinking normally I wouldn’t have believed you,yet as I type I’m enjoying a cup of coffee and a biscuit. Progress is slow but can be realised with perseverance.
I had my stroke (subarachnoid haemorrhage) 3 days before your husbands.
I am the higher earner in the family and my husband has just lost his job. I get it. Life goes on, bills need to be paid but yours and especially your husbands health is so much more important right now.
I am struggling to get motivated but am trying my best to accept that I need to rest up and recover for now. U have days where I don’t want to put clothes on but I also have good days sometimes a few good days at a time where I can go out for a walk or to a coffee shop. It takes time. He may still look like the same person in the outside but he will get back there eventually. This change is the most unbelievably frustrating thing to accept for your husband.
As for driving. I don’t know where you are from but I wasn’t allowed to drive for 4 weeks and then had to fill in a form for DVLA. You then have to wait ann anverage of 6 weeks to receive a decision from them (longer if they have to speak to consultants or send you for tests) physically I can drive but do not feel ready at all. I worry about my lack of concentration. I cannot multitask the way I used to. My reactions are slower. I imagine your husband is feeling some of these things to. At the end of the day a vehicle is a machine and no matter how ‘minor’ the stroke I do not think the decision can be taken lightly.
As others have said, take it hour by hour, day by day. Try to get him talking or back in touch with friends, colleagues, family member or talking to people on here who are going through the same thing has really helped me get through these last 7 weeks.
Take care of both of you
Natalie
Hi. I had a stroke at the end of November (49). As a fit and active guy its been a real shock to realise I can no longer do some of the things I love. I cant dwell on that though. We have to look to the future and things will get better. Humans are great at adapting to new life situations. You man is still there. He just needs help to get through the shock and see that he still has a future, all be it a different future than he expected.
I read and practice Stoic philosophy and I think this is a great mindset to have for times like these. These guys where all about adversity and the mindset you need.
Best of luck and make sure you get the support you need as you are going though this as well and he needs you. My Mrs has been an absolute rock and its helped so much. 
Hi @Prue welcome and sorry to hear what has happened to your husband. I’m slightly older and a little less effected but the same happened to me and just over a year down the line with a lot of support and education/ support here learned to get myself closer to being me. I was fir and healthy, tea-total, non smoker and done martial arts around 6-8 hours a week as well as gym.
The shock is what hurt me- why me? and some days really struggled to see me ever coming back out and wanted to quit . I managed to rehab my body and now realise my mind is taking a little longer but on the right path.
When you’re self assured and an alpha it totally robs you of that confidence and you feel so lost in the world. At this stage both you and your husband need as much support for each and both of you right now, the road may be log and have more than a few bumps, Take time out and take time fir you and him for himself even though he may not feel the need, rest when you can both of you, you’ll both need this take things slowly. I do wish you both well in this journey.
Hi @Prue and welcome to the forum. It’s just likely that his emotions, which include motivation, are switched off; temporarily out of service until repairs are made. And that is good for keeping stress levels to minimum and blood pressure down. I assume he’s been put on all the usual medications, including blood pressure pills. This can also have the effect of setting emotions to neutral, libido too. It can and most likely will come back over the coming months. As his brain cleans up the debris, makes repairs, splices and reroutes signalling, so things will gradually be turned back on as reconnections are made. But it is a long slow process and it is extremely exhausting, hence the fatigue. Just because no one sees a big bandage wrapped round his head doesn’t mean he hasn’t just received a major, life threatening trauma to his brain.
Over the next 6 months, as his brain recovers the fatigue will reduce in increments so that he will can go for longer, but at the moment any interests can be as short as 5 to 15 mins before he needs to rest again, everything will exhaust him. That’s because his brain still has to do the work of a fully functional brain. If he even were to try to push himself, his brain just won’t let him. It’s certainly way too early push hard as he is at risk of another stroke, you certainly don’t want to be in the car with him if he were to have another one while driving. And he’d need to be cleared the doctor and DVLA, that can take anything from 6 months to year these days. It was a year before I got mine back and my brain still wasn’t recovered enough to drive, that took another 4/5 months.
It was the same for me too, I didn’t even have the emotion to hate this emotional numbness to everything, didn’t help that I couldn’t speak either, that’s isolating. I’m 5yrs post stroke now and most emotions are switched back on, though I could do without some of them 
Your husband has not changed he’s just busy getting better, inside he’s still the same so give up on him now, he’ll be back 
Lorraine
Hi, thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience, everything you have said is very accurate and resonates with what’s happening, it’s so shocking to be suddenly going through a new life with my husband who seems like he is in a trance and he has explained that he feels nothing, it’s a complete change from being a fiery sharp and insanely clever man to being quiet, asleep and yet very loving and affectionate. It’s mind blowing to be honest, strangely even though he is the one who is frail and recovering, like you say, he isn’t bothered about the details, it’s me who goes into a tailspin of fear and exasperation 
I guess it’s demanding for both of us and he looks so well, healthy and people don’t see the difference because he tries so hard to engage with friends and family, thank you for sharing and your kindness.
Hi, thank you for responding to my questions, your explanation is helpful, my husband is lost and I desperately want him to find a place where he can have pleasure and feel motivated, I have been reading out the replies from people to him and it’s helping him to know that he isn’t alone and that others have the same experience. Thank you.
Nice prosody and astutely descriptive.
The trance like state is because of the brain fog. It’ll clear over the coming months. The best bit of advice I can give you both is to don’t try to everything for him. This will only slow down progress. Let him do everything he can for himself as this is really the only way for his brain to relearn what his his limbs are for…his survival. Yes you may have to step in when he fatigues or gets too frustrated but otherwise let him get on with it.
I know it can be hard, I had my husband and two adult kids always wanting to do things for me, and I had my eagle eyed sisters when trying to fuss when they’d visit. And that can be just as exhausting and frustrating for the stroke brain, more so if you’re none verbal as I was, because I couldn’t tell them to let me do it for myself. But they learnt eventually😆
Peace and quiet is what you need early on in recovery, not lots of visitors and going places. That’s all too taxing on the brain and it’s more important to reserve his energy for his physio exercises and any medical appointments.
And you need to learn to relax into this new kind of normal because you are going to be there for quite a while. I can only tell you to stop worrying so much and just concentrate on establishing this new way of life and routine. It will get better, certainly if he’s normally as determine as you say. And get him on here if he can manage it. Just reading others posts is inspirational and will keep him motivated, to see there is a light at the end of this tunnel. He can even get back to you business. He can and will get so much better with his partner beside him, not in front:wink: That’s as it should be 
Lorraine
Hi,
I don’t know what scale the stroke was, I have seen the CT scan that shows an area the size of a small plum on the right side, he can speak and is still humorous but has been watching his video channel of the 50 videos he made teaching viewers how to build anything from stone walls to electronics,I hope you are right and that he comes back because it’s a huge loss, thank you, Prue
Can you post a link please?
Hello Prue.
Sorry to hear you & your husband have a real fight on your hands. It is a fight, and at times feels like one step forward, two steps back. It is early days for you both. For him repairs are underway.
I had a stroke. I found things hard at first, like getting dressed, amongst a number of other things. Still fighting now.
I found that support I received was positive, from good people, and I ended up looking forward to visits that covered different aspects of recovery.
When I got out of the hospital I was visited 3 times a day at home until it was wittled down to none.
Stubborness. A good thing if focused on recovery and will help to turn things around. If something does not work, try another. Patience is needed as things do take time.
My stubborness was focused on doing better. Fighting for something. A challenge.
Looking back I think my family suffered at least as much as I. The uncertainty of it. What are we going to do?? I asked my family to read your post. They understand your situation. They dealt with it day by day.
Step back or push? Neither. Support. Being there counts. When you see an improvement, no matter how small, mention it because he may not see it. I keep a diary to remind me.
He used to rescue people. Good man. Obviously he needs help now, as we all do at some point in our lives, but when he has fought this battle for long enough he may want to help other people once more, as people need ‘rescuing’ in different ways, including stroke victims!
When ready, it might be useful to meet and chat with other stroke survivers.
All the best to both of you.
Hi,
Thank you for your feedback, the help and advice is greatly appreciated, I feel very fortunate to know such kind people through this forum have taken notice of me and thought about my questions, Tom is improving with lots more sleep, he is feeling happier and more hopeful and he doesn’t see the changes like everyone else does so we do keep reminding him how much he’s improving, I think we are coming to terms with this new life and settling down and finding a routine. Thank you.