Hell everybody, I’m new here, my name is Mark, and I’m here because my father had a stroke, probably his second in around 4 weeks. This happened in the run-up to christmas and into the new year. Hospitalised for 11 days, tested now for cognitive ability and has been told to tell the DVLA he is not safe to drive.
He has probably been in decline for a long time before this, I would imagine if he was tested 6 months or more before he would have failed. The OT has suggested he’s neuro diverse, and although this makes things trickier, it’s helped me because we have always had a very difficult relationship. I always thought my dad was different and never present, now I have a good idea why.
He of course thinks this is all ott, and I have to be very patient and bite my tongue. We have been estranged for a long time at different periods but now i can understand he’s “different” it helps me to understand and now I’ve taken the role of carer. I’m phoning him in the morning to make sure he’s taken his meds, going shopping, and going round every evening for a couple of hours to give company and cook the meal.
Any way, I don;t want to ramble on too much, I’m here by direction and would like some help and advice about things and possible financial help with claiming benefits etc.
Hi Mark and welcome. I too ended up being a carer for my mum after her stroke many, many years ago, in those days gp’s just prescribed asprin and left you to get on with it. Thankfully there is a lot more help and understanding available. Im sure there will be others here that can offer more advice than myself. I remember we were able to claim attendance allowance for her, so your father should be able to get it. Plus if you earn less than a certain amount a week, you too can claim carers allowance.
Hi @Mark_the_gardener welcome, and do hope you find the help you need.
Firstly you have my utmost respect for stepping up to the plate to help your Dad after what sounds like a rocky relationship over the years.
Certainly apply for Attendance Allowance on behalf of your Dad, if poss involve him and ask his permission. If this would make waves there is a bit on the form where you can say if person concerned knows you’re applying. If poss get help with filling the form in which is annoyingly repetitive. CAB or Age UK may help. Fill the form as if your Dad was having a really bad day. There is a bit about him needing prompts to eat, drink etc. It doesn’t get paid for 6 months.
Always worth trying for Carers Allowance for you as @Anne221 suggested.
There may be local voluntary groups, who can help but from your brief description your Dad may be reluctant to engage with them. There are often Carer groups which could provide support for you, which may be accessed through your GP surgery. It would also be useful to mention to your GP surgery about your Dad’s issue and your role as carer.
Another thing, though it may be difficult to persuade your Dad would be to get him to give permission for you to approach GP on his behalf. Most surgeries have a form for him to sign. You can couch this in terms like " it’s so I can order your pills, remind you of appts blah blah" but means you can approach his GP if you’re concerned.
I’m wondering if you have lasting power of attorney for your Dad, again a difficult one to broach. We were very lucky with my father in law’s solicitor when he said NO! Solicitor said would he rather his son looked after his affairs or the government so was done with his permission. Otherwise if he is not competent (you can look up definition) you have to go through court of protection.
Sorry I over think everything, ifthis is overload just ignore.
All the best Wendy
@Mark_the_gardener Hi & welcome to the community. Sorry to hear of your dad’s strokes. It sounds like you have had a difficult relationship with your dad but well done on stepping up and helping him when he needs it.
The Citizens Advice website has a benefits calculator that you can use to see what you may be entitled to.
If your dad is over pension age then attendance allowance can be applied for. Someone from our local council helped my mother in law with her claim. You might find your local council will help you/your dad.
If he’s under pension age the PIP is benefit he should look at claiming.
Hopefully the OT is providing input re his memory issues. Anything caused as a result of the stroke should hopefully improve however it sounds like he’s had problems for a while & there may be a limit to the improvements. You could also look at brain training games.
You can also call the Stroke Association helpline 0303 3033 100 and they will be able to offer you some advice.
@Anne221@Bagrat sorry Mrs5k i can only mention 2 people in a post!
Thanks for all the replies, now I realise he’s probably got Asperger’s I think it makes it easier to take the past into consideration, and makes it easier to move forward. I have mentioned POA, but I think it’s something I’ll just have to keep at, but suggesting it’s me or the government might help. He’s so damn tight, and I think he sees money as his only security in life.
I’m in no rush but I’ll be looking at claims, can I claim now for assistance or do I have to wait the 6 months?
Your father needs to have needed help for 6 months to claim Att Allowance but that doesn’t stop you applying before then I don’t think.
Another 2 helpful links above.
My father in law would not accept he wasn’t allowed to drive. We had to “steal” his car and inform police. Nightmare
If it was me I would start the Claim now…the process takes a while & they’ll only pay from when he is eligible.
I have recently put POAs in place. They are fairly straightforward & will make things much easier if they are needed. You can’t apwnd his money without his approval until he has lost capacity so he doesn’t have to worry about that. I understand that it isn’t ao easy to tell him that though. My mother in law just thought we were trying to steal her money.
The DVLA is the important bit. I informed them online. This link will give you all the info you need & will also take you to the online reporting page.
You are in the right place for some help and advice. This community has many members who are well placed to guide you on the road you find yourself on.
I note you have had some excellent and pretty comprehensive advice to get you going already. There isn’t much more to add, other than to echo everything that has already been said.
Wrt to financial help, the calculator that Ann @Mrs5K suggested is pretty comprehensive. Claiming benefits can be a minefield and you can end up in trouble through no fault of your own. I would suggest that if the information suggests you would qualify then it is definitely worth claiming and Citizens Advice or Age UK may also be able to help. They can be busy and as with things in life, some can be more helpful than others, so please do not despair if this happens
Wrt Carers allowance, this has some eligibility criteria as shown in the links that Wendy @Bagrat sent. Do have a look to see if you qualify. One thing that has caused problems for Carers when claiming Carers Allowance has been the rule that if you work, your earnings are less than £151 a week after tax. Now this rule has led to the DWP prosecuting some carers for overpayment and they have ended up in court. Not something you want to have to face when you are trying to care for someone, but unfortunately this does and has happened.
On the subject of LPA (POA) - it is pretty much your Dad’s decision. If he has the mental capacity to make decisions, it’s his choice. But as has been said, if he loses mental capacity and there is no LPA in place, would he be happy for doctors or the government making the decisions on his behalf? Maybe he would, but he needs to be clear on this. Finances are always a worry and I cannot comment on your or your Dad’s personal situation.
You may or may not be aware, that in the unfortunate event of your Dad losing mental capacity and there being no LPA (POA) in place, you as his next of kin may need to apply for Deputyship through the Court of Protection (again as mentioned by Wendy) so that you can make decisions on your Dad’s behalf. Getting a Court of Protection Deputyship is not nice.
POA and Deputyship are essentially the same with the difference POA being prepared by individual whilst they have (mental) capacity and Deputyship is appointed by Court of Protection where there is no POA in place and the individual does not have capacity.
POA is cheaper to apply for ~ £80 compared to £370 or £500 if goes to hearing
POA can be in place in 3 -6 months, Deputyship longer with 6 - 9 months
POA - Attorney acts in P’s best interests as per deed. Deputyship, slightly less “personal” as in the Deputy’s general powers are set out in s.17 (health and welfare) and s.18 (property and affairs) of the Mental Capacity Act 2005. However, the Court can place restrictions on the general powers within the Deputyship Order.
An annual charge is payable for a Court of Protection Deputyship order as well as an insurance policy is required in case the Deputy “misuses” the funds of the incapacitated person
The Deputy has to submit an annual report to the Court of Protection on what they did to fulfil the terms of the Deputyship order over the last 12 months.
That’s pretty much all I want to say for now.
You will always find someone here to help you if you need anything along your journey.
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. I’m going to give the financial side a miss for now, can’t face dealing with tbh, and I earn too much to claim carers allowance.
My father received a copy of the letter from the OT to the doctor, it didn’t look good at all, especially from his perspective, the day after he lost it and even accused me of backing her and told me to piss off out of the house. He did ring later that night to apologise, and I can totally see why he’s scared/frustrated. I think I would like to get him tested for dementia, I really think he’s been showing the early onset signs for a while. Can I ask the doctor to do this?
I still haven’t informed the DVLA, I need his licence details and asking for it atm is a tender subject, and I’m trying to remember so many things it’s easily forgotten. What an utter bastard this situation is.
You have a lot to deal with and it’s self preservation to leave as much as you can for now.
Yes you’ll definitely have to choose your moment re driving licence.
If you raise concerns re your Dad’s cognitive impairment, in the first instance GP will arrange for a nurse in the practice which your Dad may well sail through as it’s pretty basic. If there are concerns, he will be referred to a mental health “memory clinic”. Due to slipping through the net my husband finally is being assessed this month.
Referred Sep 23. We were told 9 month waiting list so I didn’t chase it for 9 months.
The issue for you will be persuading your Dad to attend I would think. Sorry, just thinking back to our issues with my father in law.
Yes, you should be able to get the GP to start the process for a “dementia” assessment. As Wendy has said you might find the biggest issue is getting your dad to attend the appointment. We couldn’t get our mother in law to attend an appointment no matter what we did. In the end my husband visited the dr & spoke to him about his concerns. W whilst the dr wasn’t able to discuss his mums health with him he did make a note of her record so the next time she saw a dr they’d be able to look into it.
Hello Mark - it may seem like it now, but I personally don’t think this is all that unusual and not necessarily related to the Stroke.
I say this because in your introductory post, you mentioned
It seems to be the stroke has just possibly added to the difficulties of the relationship. I am no relationship expert, but I expect there has to be a little bit of give and take on both sides and of course it can get very intense.
Also, you only mention yourself and your Dad in this and so I don’t know if there are other relatives who might be impacted by what is going on, for example siblings, your own family if you have one etc. as this may have a wider impact.
Financial affairs can be a cause of many arguments and inheritance has been known to cause many rifts. It may be possible there is tension around the finance aspects of your Dad’s estate. Again, I cannot comment on that. I note you say you earn too much to claim carer’s allowance but your Dad may be worried about his own situation and how is care will be paid for etc.
Based on what you say, your Dad is aware of his situation
Without knowing your Dad and without knowing the content of the letter it is difficult to comment on this, but I can imagine he may well be feeling threatened or frightened or any number of emotions especially if he is living on his own.
If is he independent he may even feel he is being bullied?
There is a lot going on here and I guess as an outsider there is only so much you can suggest or interpret from the information available.
All I can say is there are positive signs when you say
From this it is clear to be he understands what he is doing and has the strength and humility to admit he made a mistake and to apologise for it. You also see how he might be scared /frustrated.
To me, this is a time to build bridges and work on the father / son relationship. This will take time and patience, and it will likely have to be an investment from you as you already have your own life to lead.
At times like these, the song “The Living Years”, by Mike and the Mechanics comes to mind and I listen to it a lot. Look it up and see if you can relate to it.
Maybe it is not about the stroke, maybe it is about father/son relationship?
