My dad and stroke

[Serena]

Hi all, I’ve been hunting for a site like this for some time now. My father had a stroke 3 years ago now, after many hospitals and rehab places I’ve had to move him from London to midlands in a care home as he can not cope on his own.

After a year of trying to get him help from the health system, I feel they have failed him. He is 83 now.

The thing I can’t get out my head is grief, it feels the stroke has taken my dad away from me, I am trying to help him as much as I can on my own, taking him out, dealing with banks, bills, letters, going to London to get repairs done on the house, I’m exhausted, and now having counselling.

I also look after my mother whom is very poorly with copd , just had pace maker fitted, very ill.

I do everything I can for them both and work 42 hours a week on 14 hour shifts.

I’m sorry to have gone on I’m just trying to find a little support.

It kills me every time I drop dad back as he gives me the sad look.

Thank you for reading xx

[Janetb]

As you have discovered stroke affects the whole family. Grief is a normal reaction for what you and your father have lost.

I can’t give any advice from the perspective of a carer but someone else will be along soon. Also you can use the search function if you have specific questions.

[IreneFC]

@Serana Are you an only child? Why has all of this landed don your head, you will burn yourself out. There is only one you, take care of yourself. Merry Christmas when it comes

[Bobbi]

@Serena

As @IreneFC has said, in any rescue situation, the priority has to be the rescuer’s welfare.

That might sound harsh but without a rescuer there can be no rescue and then all is lost.

If there is more than one rescue to be performed then the next harsh ruling has also to be followed.
Do what you can first for the more able and only when they are okay give aid to the more needy.

Following these rules will ensure the best outcome however difficult the circumstances.

What you have seen on film or TV is misleading.

You can perform a useful and helpful role. No need for heroics. Just keep your head and behave sensibly.

keep on keepin on

and in addition
I have found this site and this community a great place to unload the burden.
It performs that function extremely well.
Be sure to make use of it.

Thank you for being a carer.

[Mrs5K]

@Serena hi and welcome to the community. It certainly sounds like you have your hands full and there’s an awful lot going on. I know it is very difficult but it is really very important that you take time for yourself and look after yourself as best you can. As your dad is in a care home could you perhaps take a little step back as he has staff on hand he can help him when required. I know that isn’t easy and you’ll probably feel quite guilty but if you don’t do something then you won’t be any use to either your mum or dad.

Do you have other people that you could call on to help you out as well. Other family or Friends even if it’s just for an hour here and there it all helps. Take any help that is offered you even if you don’t think you need it. Have you registered yourself as a carer with the GP surgery because they can also provide help and support to you.

A loved one having a stroke can feel a little bit like you’re grieving for somebody who is still alive. It’s really important that you go through that stage and then try and move on to the acceptance stage. Things are likely to be different and we do have to accept that although that doesn’t mean things can’t improve and people start to get back towards the Old self.

Sending you beat wishes & as @Bobbi says thank you for being a carer. We couldn’t do it without you.

[ManjiB]

Hello Serena - Welcome to the community.

I note you are here looking for support and I am sure you will find plenty. Your post has already had an excellent response with much good advice for each and everyone who has responded and so there is nothing left for me to add.

All I will say is please read those responses as they really do offer some advice that will definitely help you.

If I will say anything, then that is to echo the advice that tells you to look after yourself first. Your health and wellbeing essential if you are to carry on supporting your parents. Try and take time out and see if you can take a few things from here to start you off.

As a carer myself, I can empathise with what you are going through and I am really impressed by how much you have taken on and done for such a long time. You really should try and get some help from wherever you can get it as it will help ease the load.

You are already doing your best and there is nothing more you can do, so you must not feel any guilt.

I wish you all the best.

Namaste|

[Serena]

Thank you Jane, I just feel lost, used to go to London and see him all the time, go out for meals, go city, go St James’s Park, that’s our tradition, I went and done it on my own to try and keep it alive but ended up breaking down, I’m so exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally, just done know where to turn xx

[Serena]

I have a brother but he can’t handle the situations, and does not help me at all.

In fact he has dismissed us completely from his lives.

So it’s just me, my mum bless her tries to help where she can, as dad takes all his frustration out on me.

I know he can’t help but but it upsets me so much xx

[Serena]

It’s so hard as I have no support, he wants to go home, I.e London, but only to climb stairs and throw himself of, I’ve had to get social worker involved and put him on a 6 month ban x

He can hardly walk now, he has left st speech completely, I’m under councillor to help me but don’t know where to turn ..

[Anna_Moderator]

Hi @Serena

Welcome to the Online Community, I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s stroke. It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time.

I’m pleased to see there are already some good responses from our members here which I hope you’ll find helpful.

I will echo what others have said about looking after yourself. It’s so important that you do take care of yourself during this time, you matter too.

You mention that you feel the health system has failed your dad. I would say a good place to start would be to call our Stroke Support Helpline:0303 3033 100. They have a wealth of knowledge and may be able to point you in the right direction for some extra help and support for both your dad and for yourself too. They can also just be a listening ear for you too, should you need it.

I hope you’ll find this community helpful. If you need anything whilst you’re using the Online Community, please don’t hesitate to tag me using the @ symbol and my username.

Anna

[Susan_Jane]

Hi @Serena so sorry to hear of your father’s stroke and the struggles that you and your family are facing. I’m glad you have found this community and I hope you will find it a useful place to be. There are lots of carers in our community and I can see that they have already been on to offer some advice and words of wisdom.

You’ve had lots to take in so I won’t repeat, I just wanted to say take good care of yourself and a big thank you for caring, as a stroke survivor we couldn’t do it without you.

Best wishes and Regards

Sue

Regards Sue

[Serena]

Hi Irene,

No I have an older brother but he can’t deal with any of this, hospitals doctors, taking him or mum out for an hour, go see them, nothing, he don’t want to know and has cut all ties with us.

[Serena]

Bless you, my dad is my best friend, when he first had stroke, I use to work 4,5or 6 14 hour shifts in a row just so I had a few days next to him in hospital. I just don’t know what to do anymore xx

[Serena]

@Anna_Moderator

Thank you so much, it is so hard at the moment, The doctor says he’s having TIAs.

This is what’s making him more unable to do things.

I don’t want to see him like this but then I won’t let him be on his own through all this, my head is so messed up.

[IreneFC]

@Serena I feel for you because the same has happened to my wife. Her mum had a stroke in 2018 and I have lost my wife for 7 years. There are three children and numerous grandchildren but its all on her head. Its been hard, i do not grudge my mother in law any of it. But I lost my wife as life centres around her Mum, while the other two children are enjoying their families and life. I wish you well

[DavidHearnden]

Hello Serena - Sorry to hear what you are having to deal with. I’m a practising social worker as well as a stroke survivor. If I can give any help and advice please let me know. Look after yourself. David Hearnden

[Serena]

@DavidHearnden thank you so much, I’m overwhelmed of all the kind words from you all x

[EmeraldEyes]

Hi @Serena and welcome to the community, a good place to be for you right now. Just talking it all through with us on here might help you see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad’s stroke and your mum’s COPD.

But know this, you did exactly the right thing getting your dad into care. You should never have to feel guilty about that.

You have 2 parents with high risk health conditions to care for and you have to work in order to live, to put food on the table. That just can’t be done successfully without putting your own health at risk as well as there’s. I only know this to be true because I’ve been through very similar there and had a stroke by the end of it!

Both my in-laws are dead now, but I’m still recovering from my stroke. At the time, one had Alzhimers the other had cancer. I also had 2 children going through GCSE’s and A’levels, and my own hubby suffering work related stress. Something had to give, unfortunately that was me.

With the best will in the world, it can’t be done without someone going bang. Do not let that be you. Because you’d still live with it long after they’ve gone. And I’m sure your parents wouldn’t want that to be their final legacy to you.

Slow down, take time out for yourself. You’re may feel that is selfish but that’s fine, be selfish, if that’s what it takes for you to live. I didn’t and look where it got me. OK, I don’t resent any of it and neither do my family, and I got off fairly lightly with my stroke. Stress has a high risk for strokes.

Did you all ever consider your parents going into care jointly? There are many homes that can accommodate couples.

You’d do well to take advice from the Stroke Association and @DavidHearnden if he can assist in anyway. A load shared is a load halved. Look after yourself first if you want to be there for your parents, not in a hospital bed beside them.

Lorraine

[Baldrick]

If I can add. I agree with everything thats been said. I was carer for my wife in her final months. I’d do it all again now if I could obviously. I collapsed through exhaustion but carried on. No one knew. Everyone macmillan was telling me to take restpite care but I carried on. After she’d gone and I went back to work you could have fitted 2 of me in my trousers. Im not exaggerating. I found that upsetting it was the first time I thought about me ( if that doesn’t sound selfish it’s no meant that way) it brought home how much of a trauma it had been though I don’t think of it like that (obviously) the evidence was there to see. Needless to say I’d do it all again in an instant wish I could.

Please heed the warnings. The balance has to be found. You are the lynch pin as carer please do look after yourself.

[Gnasher]

Listen to all that’s been said on here. I have been my wife’s carer for many years. Not in a hard way but she has suffered from back issues for years. So I’ve picked up lots of things she’s been unable to do. And still struggles with. Now we are both carers for each other since my stroke. Thankfully my stroke wasn’t a bad one and I can still help around the house. But we have had to change lots of things in our lives to accommodate our new life. Do I ever regret having to look and care for her no. Has it been hard yes at times. Do I find it hard seeing her having to help now. Yes that’s my job to help her. Do I ever get run down by the stress. Yes. Please look after yourself or you will burn out.