My 66 year old mother and Hemorrhagic stroke

Dear Lily,

I can hardly wait to hear how your mom is doing. And how you are doing.

I have a few other things to share that I hope to note now, while my mind is in fair working order. Don’t wear yourself out reading. You likely won’t need it for a while.

When mom becomes more coherent, you may notice changes…physical, mental, cognitive and emotional. The hospital will help work on the physical, and a Speech Therapist at some point for cognitive (I hope). By mental, I mean anxiety and depression.

I can only speak for myself, but many others hear have also mentioned emotional issues. As I said before, mine have mostly been helped by Duloxitine and Self Control, but they are still there, just that they lessened to the point I can handle them better.

At fisrt I felt guilty for how much time and attention I took from others, for not being available for my children and grandchild, for living when others did not.

Later, I felt useless, a burden, and was angry I did not die because it might have been easier and I might have been with those before me. Many of us have odd dreams now. (That burden thing is what caused the depression).

Most of my physical issues come from anxiety. Not in the way one generally thinks of anxiety. I have vision issues that cause me to not know where I am in space. I could be standing on my head for all I know. Even that has been worked out to the point I can ignore it and get around. Noise, lights, patterns and movement bother me, but I am acclimating to them for the most part. It is the unexpected that causes the most problem.

In the early days in hospital, I can’t tell you enough how nice it was to have someone hold my hand or lotion my feet and legs or just massage my extremities a bit. I hear it helps with later movement as well, to keep those muscles moving even if someone else has to do it. (Ask Dr. first please about lotion and movement, due to upcoming scans or blood pressure issues).

Just food for thought.



Mum is non responsive .
She’s not waking up .
They did another CT can and showed brain is still swollen and today cos she had to have more sedation for the scan she’s even more non- responsive (which is to be expected i know)
The doctor said they expected more from mum and she’s showing incorrect movements .

The plan is wait and do a MRI on Thursday to check the brain stem?

I’m praying she’s just taking longer cos of whole 10 days of 3 diff meds sedation plus more today for the scan .
Thank you for writing to me with more information and concern despite your battle and challenges . You’re strong and here I’m struggling to write anymore despite being healthy .


Mum is unresponsive but I’m trying to take hope from your mum’s story.

I can’t stop crying .


Hi Lily

I’m so sorry you haven’t had better news yet. Don’t give up hope. Like you’ve said, your lovely Mum has really been through it and had lots of sedative meds.

When my Mum took a dive a few days in the docs were very concerned things were not going the way they’d hoped but she did rally. Never give up hope.

I found that writing a diary really helped. A lot of the time it was just factual for myself to remember what happened when and it then became more of a diary where I was writing to my Mum. It was just a way of getting my thoughts out, have a good cry and park it somewhere.

I really feel for you, the way you describe how you’re feeling are so familiar to me and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Please make sure you are eating and trying to switch off for short periods (I know it’s impossible to do for any length of time) but just a bath, a short walk, watching something familiar on Tv where you can ‘check out’ for 30 mins can make a real difference.

Sending positive vibes to your Mum and hugs to you x


@Lily3 sorry to hear your mum isn’t responsive yet. Must be so hard for you. Some people take longer than others to come around & i’m sending lots of pisitive thoughts your way for better news on Thursday.

Look after yourself too.

Much love

Ann xx


@Lily3 and @nsw72,

I am in US so my time is a bit different from yours. I looked for this first thing when I arose from bed, then I just could not reply. I so hurt for you. Fear is an ugly thing. I know it does not seem hopeful, and you may be told it is not hopeful, however, hold out hope anyway. You won’t be sorry, as if it truly is not hopeful, it won’t make it any easier later. She will feel and hear your hope.

It was also not hopeful for me and they actually put me into hospice. My sister was able to get me out after a response I had to a story she relayed told by my brother.

I also was sedated for long days as well as on ventilator for much of that time. I don’t know how long it took, but I am told my daughters were a mess and could not think at all what to do or how to handle it. My sister kept a journal but it started toward the end of sedation, so I have no idea what happened from Aug 1 to August 27. I do know it was at least 3 days out of sedation before the response.

I would love to tell you your mom will be like me. I cannot. You have told us she has a further issue with cancer. I also had further issues with kidney failure, liver and spleen damage, lung damage and received a heart valve replacement, then later when I was stronger a completely new Aorta.

I am telling you this so you will know, I did not go in to hospital in very good shape, so there is hope.

I so wish I could be there to hold your hand and have my daughters speak with you as they know so much more than they have been able to share with me, due to the emotional aspect of it. I am so glad @nsw72 is here to give you help. And I agree the journal will help. My sister gave me the ones she kept, after 2 years, again for the emotional aspect, she didn’t want to share it earlier.


I’m so sorry to read this news, it’s so hard and as @nsw72 says hard to know what the future holds yet. Can I suggest you keep on talking to your mum as much as possible, let her hear her favourite songs, books, keep her updated with anything and everything she was interested in, even if it was soap opera or the likes. Because she is in there, hearing everything and one day might respond, so try to remain positive in her presence. Because there’s no way of telling that she’s not aware or hearing! Stay strong, there’s always hope :pray:



They think her brain stem could be affected and prob why she’s not walking up .
Not even a Flicker of eye movement, nothing.

I haven’t been too see my beloved mum in two days and I feel like I’m making it all about me. I’ve stopped going over , I’ve stopped praying to God.

My sister just messaged they’ll try to do MRI as soon as spot becomes available instead of tomorrow.

The longer she lies unconscious the more it tells us she’s damaged.
I keep seeing “vegetative coma” online and I’m trying to stop thinking the worst.

Perhaps she’ll take weeks or even months.

At this point I’d rather my mother return to her lord whom she glorified all her life which was always marred with sickness rather than send her back to live in constant pain.

I am angry and I’m sorry for the way i am talking.


I completely understand. My mother had a rare liver disease and needed a transplant. They found a liver for her, but she was too ill by the time it arrived. It was hard to go from praying for her to stay with us, to praying for God to take her home. My heart and gut knew well before my brain did, that it was time.

Praying for someone to be free to go home is not a bad thing. Actually, I think of it as a kind act. With the exception that I had not made arrangements to ensure my daughters would inherit my home, I was well ready to go when they saved me. I feel the same now. I am ready when the time comes, but while I am waiting, I want to have the best life I can here.

Her condition will become more clear in due time. In the meantime, it is hard not to think of all the differing possibilities and how you and she will cope. I don’t know that you can really plan ahead for any of that. Or that it will be helpful to you or her in any way to dwell on it. But still do not feel guilty for the thoughts, but do try to keep them at bay by possibly writing a grocery list, or a list of things you would tell mom, or a thank you letter or a letter of appreciation to your sister and brother who seem to be helping out with mom as well.


Oh Lily3 you never need to apologise here and this is just where you need to be right now. Family also suffer after the stroke of a loved one and they need help and support just as much for you are grieving!

It’s another reason why we are all here; to help you get through this too.
Right now all you can do is prepare for worst and hope for the best. If indeed this is mum’s time to return to her lord, she is giving you all this time to prepare so it doesn’t come as such a shock. Make your peace with her, be with her, love and forgive her, just as she has done for you all your life.

You have your whole life ahead of you, forgive yourself for taking a much needed break, she would understand. Believe it or not, you and your family have the hardest part in this right, your mum is in the best care, you are not! You need to take care of your own health too.