I have just returned from an exercise class organised by different strokes…..afterwards we have a coffee and chat….at least we’re supposed to chat …..I find myself devoid of anything to say and today ended up crying!……sitting upright on a hard chair feels almost unbearable ….my stroke has affected my left side and my arm is virtually paralysed…..sitting up seems so hard….my bum hurts 
and I just feel so uncomfortable in my own body…..talking has become a huge effort for some reason…..my voice is much weaker now although my cognition hasn’t been affected at all.…..all the people are lovely and welcoming there but I can’t seem to engage. I suppose it doesn’t help that my mood is always very low now…. The thought of going out for a meal or doing anything socially is so daunting and I have to force myself….I don’t find pleasure in anything anymore….i had the stroke nearly two years ago and I used to have good and bad days…now I only seem to have bad ones. I am not asking for advice….I just wonder if anyone else out there feels the same. It doesn’t help that I blame myself for not being mentally stronger and more resilient….I just can’t come to terms with my new disabilities and how everything I loved doing isn’t possible anymore……
I am right there with you on this one. My busy life of work and travel was smashed and I lost all confidence despite a good physical recovery. I like to think I have come to terms with the emotional fallout, but still have days like you describe and can weep for Scotland sometimes! So you are not alone in this feeling of not knowing who you are…please don’t beat yourself up over it…,cry and yell if you want, let the trauma flow out and be kind to yourself, I quite often don’t see anyone and to be honest am beginning to find peace in this. I have stopped feeling the need to be a social creature and concentrate on my hobbies which can prove a distraction….best wishes to you and keep on keeping on xx
Oh @Janis I feel very similarly.i had an haemorrhagic stroke (a bleed rather than a clot) 5 years ago.i still love to go out although I don’t do it much.i can’t speak not because of brain damage or aphasia,but because i was fitted with a tracheostomy for mechanical ventilation.i can sort of speak,but just like a toddler I’m having to learn.i hear you with regards to bum pain,im currently wheelchair-bound and spent a whopping £600 on a vicair cushion that was supposed to relieve me,but no,it hasn’t. I’ve completely lost who I was and now suffer self-loathing that I’m trying hard to unlearn.i’m still me,but I’m different possibly more whingey and negative but this forum is great for reminding me that I’m lucky to be alive.as I love statistics here’s some:
according to the (WHO) world health organization there is a 3-4% probability that a person who reaches exact age 52 will die before reaching their 60th birthday
Ruptured brain aneurysms are fatal in about 50% of cases. Of those who survive, about 66% suffer some permanent neurological deficit. Approximately 15% of people with a ruptured aneurysm die before reaching the hospital. Most of the deaths are due to rapid and massive brain injury from the initial bleeding.
So I’m lucky to be here and typing so celebrate
My answer won’t suite everyone.
First get out of yourself and your own concerns.
Try in some way to make a contribution, be useful, add something to the equation.
You will begin to see yourself in a different light.
Self esteem and a sense of purpose is a thing you must discover and build for yourself.
In the words of the philosopher and poet “Nuff said”.
(By the way, you have already contributed by posing this knotty problem. It gives ne’er do wells like me a cause and excuse to blather on.)
keep on keepin on
. . . and @Mich-mm @Susie1 @Janis
we’re lucky to have you here with us.
Sorry about the sore bums, can’t help you with that.
I loathe village hall style meetings, they depress me. The uncomfortable chairs that scrape across the floor, the budget coffee that tastes like it has been swept up off the factory floor, the cheap biscuits … I don’t like biscuits and would prefer sandwiches. I used to go to stroke meetings at a local pub, and really enjoyed that, because I like pubs. It always made me feel a bit cheerful.
How long have you been going? Sometimes it is difficult to engage at first, but after familiarity, it becomes easier, or not, depending on whether you click with the people there. I didn’t click with the survivors I met up with, although I tried my best but I know I am an acquired taste and people either warm to me or want to run away.
Could this be acquired depression? If so, there are ways to manage it like Mindfullness, therapy, medication &c.
No, that won’t help. Ambiguous expectations that are undefinable states of being cause a lot of pressure, stress and anxiety. There is a difference between being strong and stoic than being brave and accepting vulnerability, the latter being perhaps more realistic.
When you say that you, previously, had good and bad days, I wonder if things in your life have changed to alter your outlook?
Hello @Janis .
I’ve just been refreshing my memory by reading your previous posts. I know I’ve read them all before because I’ve ‘liked’ them but now I don’t actually remember reading any of them so everything is new to me. Did you move in the end?
I get very uncomfortable sitting on a hard chair, too, and have to wriggle around a lot because it makes my bum hurt as well. But not as much as it used to - I do believe there’s been a little improvement in that area The stroke affected my left side too. I had a Lacunar stroke in the basal ganglia in June 2023, both motor and sensory. The motor side of it has panned out much better than the sensory (as in altered sensations) which is my bug bear and I stupidly often feel robbed these days because if the sensory stuff would go away or at least calm down, my life would be relatively unaffected by now. I can walk unaided and I can drive but although the arm is mostly functional, the sensory stuff has become so uncomfortable and, at times painful, that recently, I’ve had days where I have to push myself really hard just to do the basics. I’ve noticed a pattern, however. Preceding the worst days, I’ve almost exclusively ‘enjoyed’ a few days of feeling better and being a lot more productive and getting a very positive vibe that better days are ahead. The time I felt better before this current episode lasted maybe 8 or 9 days - the longest ever , and the bad days I’m having now are the worst I’ve ever had. But because there’s a pattern, I can comfort myself with a reminder that this won’t be forever and that my body is still trying to sort itself out. I don’t know that I’m right, of course, I’m simply basing it on what’s gone before. My current mood is pretty low. I’m fed up, for sure. I cry in frustration because I want to do things but can’t because I feel so crap. I’m sometimes tempted to stay in bed all day but refuse to because in my head, I have to get up and exercise because I don’t want to lose the strength I’ve gained and I want to gain more. Once I’m up, I can get on with other things that need doing and reward myself with a rest when I need to. I rarely go out but do on better days. Ultimately, I’ve had to admit to myself that I want to live. That might sound odd but much of my life has been a challenge and I’ve not always wanted to be here.
I was a busy lady prestroke. There are some things I miss, mostly the freedom and ability to go out and do what I wanted when I wanted with no restrictions. And walking down stairs hands free, and running up them two at a time. I loved helping people in practical ways and now I feel useless. But my 11mth old ‘adopted’ granddaughter put her arms out to me to be picked up for the first time last week and I was thrilled because I picked her up without even thinking about it. Things like that are happening a lot more often these days. Maybe I can change her nappy next time ………
In a strange way, despite the crappiness, I quite like the unhurried essence of life now. There are still more bad days than better days. But the bad days are more bearable if we can change our mindset and it’s something I have to do often. Coming on here and interacting or just reading what’s going on with others, can be uplifting when we’re reminded we’re not alone and that each of us has our struggles. It’s not easy for any of us but there’s a wealth of experience and encouragement to be had .
I’ve rambled on as usual. I guess the point of it is to say that things do get better with time (for most of us) but it can take a long time and it can be unpredictable. The lows have a habit of fooling us into believing that it’s been like that forever when, in fact, if we look back, we’ll see that progress has been made and will most likely continue once we get past the current stage.
You’re a lovely lady, @Janis . Your posts are full of warmth and care. I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through. It does seem like you’re a bit depressed but you know that already. Don’t blame yourself - stroke plays havoc with the central nervous system and could well be responsible for how you’re feeling. It’s not your fault. Hopefully, someone on here will say something that resonates and helps release some hope and peace for you. You have lost a lot but there’s still much to be gained. Wishing you better days ahead and sending a big virtual hug 
Trace
Ah yes Janis, I can relate to this. Everything I took pleasure in seemed to have been snatched away from me. One of the worst things was the look of pity on aquantants’ faces when they saw me so I started making jokes about my situation like “ I’m not as drunk as I look”, or when asked how it is having a stroke “it’s not as much fun as it looks” and I think that helped me. I still do it sometimes. I was also strongly encouraged to attend the local meeting for stroke survivors in a couple of local pubs. I went to one once and the other twice and I realised that being in the same situation didn’t mean I had anything else in common with the others there so I stopped. I have found other groups like a knitting group which meets weekly in the library to knit squares for blankets for refugees and a group which does crafting and embroidery. It’s difficult to do with one hand but I can ask for help when required. I am more in tune with these people and I can forget about my situation when I am with them so I derive a lot of pleasure from going. Have you thought of just staying for the exercise activities and not putting yourself under pressure to stay for coffee? Or looking for other groups you could try? I hope you can find something more satisfying. Best wishes.
Great response, may have to adopt it myself when asked.
This is a very interesting thread and I have enjoyed reading it.
Having read your contribution @Mabel3 , I get the feeling you know exactly who you are 
There is so much I love about it. I wanted to pick out one thing to highlight, but I can’t do it. The whole post is truly fascinating.
I’ve read it and re-read it and I am going to read it again. I am lost for words!!
You have made my day and I am going to say it again Mable3 - You really know you are and I think you know it too
I hope others reading your post get as much if not from it than I did.
Thank you so much
Hello Trace…..thank you so much for your caring and lovely words. Funnily enough I am due to look at a flat which is in sheltered accommodation for blind and disabled people and the the idea of moving is massively unsettling for me but something I feel is necessary as living in a house that I no longer have the ability to look after properly and where the whole layout is uncomfortable and not practical makes life very hard. I spend a lot of time on my own here ……I used to be mostly content in my own company …..but that was when when I was working and gardening and walking my adopted beautiful border collie (whom I found on borrow my dog ten years ago) and generally active and free. I have never been a massively social person and now I find myself doing things that I think i SHOULD be doing but don’t even want to. I have a handful of close friends that I have known for many years. My closest and dearest lifelong friend expects nothing more of me than who I am and what I want to do but others seem to think I should be doing more and making more of an effort to “ get out” and the truth is I am just more comfortable at home. This makes me feel pressured and sad as I want their approval. Reading all of the replies from you and others here is maybe helping me realise that I should to mine own self be true.
Also…I know exactly what you mean about the good and bad days. I too have had days when I feel more energised and positive and I do more and it all doesn’t seem so hard and those days are wonderful when you feel you have turned a corner and life will be better and you will cope but sadly…as all things….it passes and the fears and worries and loneliness return with a vengeance.
Changing my mindset is something I need to work on and sharing here is a help and your response has touched me ….you are a kind person and it was lovely to read about you lifting your adopted granddaughter…she looks like a beauty! Thank you again for your caring words Trace and for sharing so much. I wish you peace and love and a nappy change soon….and may the good days outweigh the bad for all of us folk 
The funniest thing is…..I keep looking out into my garden expecting a genie to appear and grant me a wish 
…it makes me wonder…would I ask for my functioning healthy body to return….or would I simply ask for peace of mind…..
xxxx
Thank you Susie…..it is good to hear that others prefer the solace of being alone ….it makes me feel less alone if that makes sense. Reading your and others replies is helping me realise I should be kinder to myself.….at the age of 67 I still have a lot to learn 
I hope you have a good day and I wish you peace xxx
I
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Here’s a cheeky little solution to cushioning your butt for hard chairs
Sit to stands. As you stand up, clenched your butt checks then sit back down and repeat. Aim up to 30 stands twice a day.
Another one is belly clenching. While sitting, clench your belly and use that momentum to pull yourself forward in your chair/seat and relax to lean back again. Again, do about 30 twice a day. In a couple of weeks you should start to feel some kind of difference in how those areas feel. In a few months you’ll start to notice a little more muscular padding cushioning your sitting experience on hard surfaces as muscle builds back up.
If 30 repetitions is too much for yet, you can always break it down to 3 sets of 10 or 5repetitions with a minute rest in between
We lose a lot of muscle after a stroke as well as collagen with age and fat with any loss in appetite. We do a lot more sitting/lying down during our recovery and there comes a point in time we have to exercise and get a bit more protein to rebuild that muscle loss 
It takes nothing to do these little exercises, they can even be done while watching TV. But what they start giving back to you is a heart that pumps a bit faster to transport all the healing goodness your brain needs to make it’s repairs. Plus it get a few more of those feel good hormones activate to help beat your down days.
It does work, at least it did for me. Make it as routine as brushing your teeth. A resting heartbeat is all well and for taking your blood pressure but it’s not conducive to feeling good.
Lorraine
Thanks Lorraine!….ive just done my first thirty….plus thirty shoulder lifts….
You’re right..I need to get my arse in gear xx
Hold a shopping bag in each hand…if you can…with couple of tins of soup, veg, whatever you’ve got handy. Holding something weighted requires a little more effort in lifting your shoulders, activating those muscles a little more.
See, I’m already trying to advance your your progress. Give me an inch and I’ll take you a mile 
Another one to get your heart pumping, climbing and descending the stairs…if you have them. That one can be a lot harder if you have a stroke leg. So just do what you can…but at least one round twice a day…aside from any other trips up and down stairs you do
The point is to keep the heart pumping to get little excitement back into it. And I want to hear you’re progress, and want to know if it has made any difference at all in how you move.
They key is to don’t think, just do! The more you do, the more you want do. And celebrate the exhaustion from your efforts for a job well done
Another thing, you don’t have to go to the stroke groups. Find your local AgeUK group like I did. You don’t have to be constantly reminded of that. And over 50s group will help you feel a lttle more normal. You meet and make new friends who will automatically accept and welcome you for the way you are now, and not the way you were. Us humans are are weird that way
And some AgeUK groups have health and fitness/wellbeing classes.
Mine is called Strength & Balance, it might have a different name where you are. They tend to be either soley chair based or a combination of chair and standing. And if there is anything you can’t do, the instructor should offer you a suitable alternative, there’s usually 2 or 3 options.
But these classes would definitely be suitable for you, for most people attending its as much for the social aspect as for getting active. And they are all in the same boat as you. They may not have had a stroke but they’ve all got their own issues as they are all in that age bracket that does have health issues.
And if there isn’t AgeUK just Google “over 50s fitness/social groups in your area” And if you can’t go alone yet, get one of your friends to join with you, it would be good for them too.
Keep it up and I look forward to your reply…I’ll help keep your arse in gear
Lorraine
Hi. I had my stroke about 2 years ago like you. A year ago I had the same feelings as you. I lost my dad a month after my stroke and I used to sit all adternoon in my ’ stroke chair’ as I called it cos that was what I was sitting in the night of the stroke . I used to glance across at my dads picture taken with mam looking so happy at his Boots retirement do and burst into tears. I used to go for a coffee on the seafront with my voda volunteer. One day I startedcto cry infront of him for no reason. He moved the coffee aside and said ’ Bruce If you dont stop crying every time I’ll have to stop calling. My mam died last year and your upsetting me. So I apologised and kept quiet. You need to speak to your GP , tell them that you cry for no reason. My GP put me on Setraline which are anti depressants - low dose. And it helped me enormously. These crying and depession episodes are all linked to your brain trying to re- boot itself after being damaged. Think of it like your labtop when its been infected with a virus. I also had a bout of fatigue last xmas which my GP diagnosed as Vitamin B12 deficiency. I received 3 monthly booster injections which got back my energy and fitness. To date, with the help of my 3 friends at the allotment , I am slowly getting back on track. I still have left arm weakness specifically my triceps are weak in my upper forearm - I go to the local gym twice a week do bench press ups ( without the weights) healthy hearts and boxercise classes. I have private physio each week and nhs physio every 3-6 weeks. Keep a positive mindset with everything you do be it putting the pkug in the wash basin or hanging out the washing. Do not give up , go and speak ro your GP - they will listen and help you.
Hi Bruce….thanks for that….it’s good to hear you are doing so well.
I have been taking mirtazapine for at least a year….tried changing to sertraline but it made me feel awful….sick and anxious so I had to revert. I recently had blood tests for everything and my vitamin levels are good….both b and d were all fine.
My arm and hand are severely affected and i have hardly any movement in them ….i have drop foot but can walk ok but not far with a stick. I have to rely on others to go anywhere….hopefully if I move from where I live I can get a mobility scooter which will help greatly. So I exercise at home apart from my Friday class which I get a lift to. I have been considering a private physio….do you think it’s helpful once a week? Expensive but worth a try if it helps. For now I will continue with Lorraine,s sit to stand and other stuff I do here. I think that because I waited for 4 hours for my ambulance to arrive when I had the stroke that my movement has been affected so badly. The arm is the worse as it impacts every little thing so much and I see no improvement….i try so hard to stay positive but I feel so limited in my options. It helps to read all of your stories and I know I am not alone in my pain…I also hate to be so moany and negative ….so I will keep trying and I wish us all many good days ahead. X
I would definitely go for a private physio. I use Synergyhealth care in Bedlington as its only a 20 min drive from home. They can look at your arm and use their knowledge in how best to proceed eg my private physio managed to get a referral to my GP who then booked an appointment with the physio at Walkergate hospital who specialize in stroke rehab. It costs me 70 quid a session but you get one free in 10 if pay up front. I say, if you can afford it, go for it after all its your life we are talking about. Money comes second. Do you have a Blue Badge? I dont because they say if you can walk and read a parking meter then youre ok. PIPS is another obstacle. I have lower PIPS as ’ I find it difficult to wash in the morning and could do with some help’. At least thats what i told them. Let me know how you get on regards your private physio . I believe they could really help your weakened arm. Walkergate wanted to inject Botox into my arm muscles to improve spascticity but they said my wrist function and grip would be lost for 4 months so i declined the offer. But at least i was given the choice.
Good luck
Bruce.
Thank Bruce 
…….something to look into
SRRI meds, even on low doses are very effective for emotional lability, I suspect the emotional lability is still occurring but the increase in serotonin helps regulate the unruly brain signals.
That’s probably because you switched from a Tetracyclic Antidepressant to an SRRI, they have different ways of working, and both types of meds often produce side effects before the six week period of settling into the system, however, SRRIs can increase levels of anxiety and panic while it settles, whereas, Tetracyclic Antidepressants like Mirtazapine can have weeks of fogginess and exhaustion while it settles.
I go to a private physio, see her every two weeks, and it has been enormously helpful.