Husband will not try

I normally have the ‘gift’ of not managing the most diplomatic expression and so often ‘keep my own counsel.’

I am going to offer one here and I mean it only with the best will for everybody involved. It’s quite possible that you’re stroky husbands are fighting a internal war between the desire to do stuff and the inability to make it a reality and so the badgering and I do hope I’ve not use the wrong word there may actually be slowing down the process, sapping the energy that needs to be saved. It really isn’t possible if you haven’t experienced it to viscerally describe the post-stroke feelings of need, inability, fatigue, indecisiveness … I can’t manage to put into adequate words - half the time I can’t answer the question ”do you want a glass of juice?" With an actual evaluation of the question I’m just left with “I don’t know”

I think physios who give exercises like pushing your fingers into putty or doing squats or attempting to lift out of a chair in three lots of five repetitions and who emphasise that you’ve got to do it ‘correctly’ over ’ at all’, ‘any inelegant way you can get the muscles to act when your brain tries to tell them to’ aren’t good physios. They add to the despair. if you’re not first of all inspiring the person then describing the physical movements is just incompetent. There are some prerequisites to being able to exercise; good sleep before and good sleep afterwards, lack of pain, lack of fatigue, seeing purpose, seeing results, results linked to reward. Much more useful I suggest is try and change the channel with the remote and then that broken down into the steps to hold the remote, press the button. I think it probably took a year for me to be able to do that right handed. I can move the finger enough to push the button now but I can’t keep it on the button, it slides off to the side before I pushed it enough to change the channel. I still can’t hold my smart touch screen phone in my right hand let alone operate it with my right hand but I can do both hold and operate with my left, pre-stroke non-dominant hand

It comes across from your posts that you’re concerned and that’s a truly fantastic foundation on which to build. I also wonder if I’m reading the concerned encouragement has crossed the recipients threshold into pressuring rather than supporting?, removed the degree of self-determination that’s necessary - of course the self-determination requires that there is the mental umph to make decisions and initiate things happening and that’s a very delicate balance between “I can’t do it on my own” and “I don’t want to be pushed”.

I’m wondering cuz I’m unaware of it but is there a source of education for carers in how to support in these frustrating times? Have you actually been given any insight? Training? or are you just going on the intuition that you would have used to support your pre-stroke husband ? since his brain is different now maybe you’ve got a pattern that’s engaged in a vicious circle rather than a virtuous circle.?? I don’t know but I read a degree of desperation here and I’m just searching for explanation that’s plausible and searching to suggest exploration that might give access to solutions

I truly hope I haven’t upset angered frustrated etc in my attempts to think where you might find help or even just understanding. But I’m thinking that some experienced educated intervention is needed and that you’re just as much stroke warriors as your husbands but maybe not one to have been given the assistance that you need and I’d say “have a right to”

Hugs Simon

1 Like

That response is perfectly acceptable, not treading on toes for me. Yes I probably do over do the request for my husband to try standing too much; it is 5 years since the stroke this coming December and I am scared of his muscles totally atrophying and his will along with that. And no, I have never had carer training. It has not ever been suggested as available! My husband lacked a lot of motivation before his strokes [3 now] whereas the other example I knew of tried his hardest to get back to work after 3 strokes and 2 heart attacks and managed it until the next stroke took his language out - though even then he tried to get back to both English and French! He was my lecturer 23 years ago but died about 8 years ago I guess. Very different characters.
So what is a virtuous circle? No - you haven’t angered me at all - in fact the idea of training might bring hope. -where from? Does this forum have any? Thank you!

yes the same felling! I gave up on my husband’s physio; he just didn’t want it.