I’ve bee trying for weeks now to come to terms with the depression , I even plucked up the courage to go to the doctors , who got me on yet another list , I no there are millions of people out there and I no there are people a lot worse than me .but that doesn’t stop the fact that I can not sleep at night and the first thing I think of on a morning is I don’t want to wake up I’m now I think at the point we’re I hate life and can’t see any light down the road ,I’m sick of everybody say oh but it takes time and it will get easy , my answer to that is well step into my head then . Sorry for the rant mark 

Mark, all your feelings are very understandable. I had a lot of similar feelings in the early days, because everything is not only a struggle, but you miss the life you had. I was lucky in that my will to fight on was stronger than my depression. I don’t seem like a fighter, but I am and always have been. Looking back, learning to walk again took months. Getting back to doing simple tasks was also a struggle....but I did it. I broke things, cut myself,had falls, swore like a trooper, but I got there. I now cook most meals and can do a few household tasks every day. I would love to do more but, realistically, It is very slow progress. This year, three years on, my arm and hand are more stable, but my walking ability is a bit variable and I still get down moods.

I slept badly in the beginning because I dreaded dying in my sleep (no idea why) and tended to wake every hour. On top of that the fatigue sent me back to bed in the day and still does. However, I now get about 7 hours sleep at night. Sometimes I dream I am fit and can run again, but why I should want to run again at 75 I have no idea. That said, I intend to stick around as long as I can, but I take each day at a time.

I cannot offer you consolation and I don’t want to say everything will be okay. Life at the moment is very bleak for you and you are frustrated and unhappy. All I can say is that I had to improve mine inch by inch, day by day. I hope you can do the same.