Hi there
My husband had a stroke in Nov 2019 and does not accept how much he hurts me with his total lack of empathy
He gets over emotional about things that are not remotely related to us and yet something that affects me he just shrugs off
A recent example as follows:
I have been encouraging him to walk a few minutes every evening as I am having to handle our energenie 4yr lab every day because he has severe balance issues and is unsteady on his feet
We walk (very slowly) to the end of our close and I carry on to the fields to play frisbee with my dog. He turns round and goes home.
On this particular evening my lab was obviously frustrated at the time it was taking and over boisterous⌠So much so that she ended up pulling me over into the middle of the road just as we parted company. Fortunately it was a bank holiday so traffic was light, but I am recovering from a TKR and struggled to get up. I had screamed out and managed to recall the dog who was intent on getting to the field but my husband did nothing⌠He didnât even come to the corner of the road to see if I was OK!
Once I got home eventually, a bit bruised, I asked if he had heard anything and he said he had and called are you OK.
He never got a response so went home⌠I didnât hear him otherwise I would have responded.
The problem is he doesnât accept he has changed and is quite nasty about it.
He swears blind I have not told him things and argues constantly⌠I have to just say âwhateverâ and walk away but it is so hurtful as have been married for 36 yrs
He was always caring and now seems I am married to a different person
We have never had any support and due to lockdown no physio or counselling.
I have had to push all the time to get any help and it is an upward battle I feel I am loosing.
As far as he is concerned he is no different in his attitude!
I have to admit I feel very alone in this battle but just wanted to add my experience so someone may identify with it and gain some comfort knowing they are not alone
Thank you for this honest post.
Now 6 years after my stroke I have found ways to understand some of the communication challenges. I was not greatly damaged cognitively but sustained chronic physical damage. However as you say, the emotional aspect of brain injury is hard to get to grips with, partly, if , like me thinking seemed to be ok, I didnât want to face the effect of the stress of the event on both me and my family. I was for a while very sensitive to the usual family banter and wherever there was a stick I would firmly grasp the wrong end of it. Eventually I came to understand what was triggering me to be snappy and my family came to understand what my limits for teasing were. On top of it all I eventually discovered that I also had moderate hearing loss, which wasnât a direct result of the stroke just coincident with it. Hearing aids helped, and helped ease some of the miscommunication I was experiencing. Things are harmonious now and I can now enjoy company much more. Final note, the stress of stroke fatigue was a significant issue in the early days and made ordinary company extraordinarily tiring. Even now I have occasional difficulty sustaining good contact with my voice and talking can be tiring, it improves bit by bit.
So give it time and be kind to yourself. It is long haul.
All the best
Tony
@Jeanne_Gerrie welcome to the forum although sorry to hear of your situation. It must be very difficult for you. Stroke can cause personality changes & Iâm sure it is difficult for both of you. As others have said I think you should contact t your GP & ask for counselling. The Stroke Association may also be a good point of call as they are well versed in this type of thing.
Best wishes xx
Shwmae @Jeanne_Gerrie, unfortunately cognitive issues are left a little late in stroke recovery as opposed to everything else, I guess itâs just prioritising what we can see or what is obvious. A result of the stroke I had was a blunted emotional response, my partner would say to me about some issue that was driving her barmy, âWhy arenât you getting as worked up as me about this?â I would apologise, and say that I do feel the same way but canât express it. The article @Mahoney has shared is a good starting point to working things out. In the end, Iâm very honest with my partner but have to discuss it medically, for instance, I have a lack of filter and impulse control, so sometimes I say things which causes everyone to look at me as if Iâm stark raving mad. Another burden of post stroke behaviour for many of us is selfishness. Having had a stroke tends to make one very conscious of oneâs own mortality, and the rest of the world fades away for a while as this takes its toll on oneâs psyche. If my symptoms are acute or I am fatigued, I canât really focus on whatâs happening around me with any sort of diplomacy or selflessness. At that point, all I want to do is set myself right, so I can rejoin whatever is going on around me when I feel like I can come up for air.
Once again, case in point. My partner asked me to lift some compost bags into the potting shed, I was huffing and puffing, and grumbling and muttering to myself. She said, âTheyâre not that heavy or is it fatigue?â And I could answer, it was fatigue. I had reached full drainage on my battery, and had someone asked me to do anything else after that, I would have mumbled something under my breath and taken myself off to bed. Itâs terribly hard for carers and partners, sadly, as stroke survivors it is hard for us to make it easier because we are wrestling with so much internally.
My advice would be to set yourself a separate routine with planned together time until things get back on track. He also does need to be aware of what personality shifts he may be having, otherwise he canât communicate that with you at the time. I think this is vastly important. From each day I awake, I am a cocktail of emotions, meaning that everything is mixed. Itâs not clear from one second to another. Unfortunately, often it is not a mental health issue, it is actually a result of brain injury, so like with physio with the body, there needs to be cognitive retraining for the brain.
One big step for me was realising that every moment is worth sucking the marrow out of, so I try and be as friendly and cheerful, and giving to others as much as possible. I wasnât like that before stroke, so a little bit of soul searching doesnât go astray.
Please feel free to offload here as you will, this space is important for having unguarded discussions, warts and all.
Hi Stacey, Unfortunately I am already on several antidepressants since my business collapsed 11 years ago and i stupidly tried to end my life. ( but true to form i failed at that too!) I have never been that low since although I have had very many low moods since. It just feels like I have been forgotten about again on this one until I go back to the Doctors and burst out crying stating I cant go on and then they do something (eventually) and thatâs me sorted for another 18 months Etc
But thank you for your suggestions and prayers ( sadly I am no longer a believer i have seen way too much horrible stuff in my life and lots many loved ones)
Neil X
Hi, after reading the posts with your initial post I gained enough courage to go out on my wheeled walker. I went down the drive and passed one house and back. I am now resting as legs have gone.
I am struggling with Agoraphobia and no confidence.
Thank you to all who responded.
Thank you Loraine. Glass Half Full 
Hoping you are coping better I believe moststroke survivors have depressing days it feels such a waste of life time having to go through all this Grief only to have to goback to where you were before after slot of hard rehab
I focus on the end game and Livin what time I have left to the fullest. Take care never give up, thinking
I too have dark days usually triggered by something minor like a drive in my wifeâs car reminds me I have peripheral vision loss in both eyes ehich is unlikely to return anytime soon so I may never drive againof you.so sad, one of my greatest joysgone
Thank you for your input
It is so hard living with someone completely different to the man I married 38 years ago and who insists he has not changed and is determined to make an arguement out of nothing!
His stroke was Nov 2019 and if anything his attitude seems to be getting worse
For the record he was not like that before the stroke and now has total lack of empathy
It is very hard to bite my tongue and walk away as to retaliate just escalates the situation
Regards Jeanne
Jeanne, thank you for this. I feel for you. I am on the âother sideâ, the partner changed by stroke. I canât offer simple answers, easy fixes or worn out phrases. All I can offer is my sympathy and understanding. And - although you are probably already doing it - a strong recommendation to seek help. For over two years my wife and I have been talking to psychologists, therapists, whatever your favoured term is. Finding the right one is not easy, but finding one who connects with you and has deep awareness can make a major difference. They canât âfixâ something that has been broken. But they can sometimes help take the sting out of the hurt, and begin to encourage both sides to talk about their pain with somebody moderating. I donât know where this ends, if ever, but it seems better than enduring pain and hurt without help. I canât do anything but send you my sympathy, my concern, and my hope for you both
Thank you for your speedy response
It is heartening to know I am not the only one experiencing these situations as I was beginning to think it was all my fault and not being understanding enough or compassionate enough
I think one big stumbling block from my point of view is the fact when the stroke first âstartedâ on the Friday he didnt tell me and all through the weekend he covered it up
It was only on the Sunday evening he started to deteriate but refused to let me call 999
After being up all night in the early hours I tried to call an ambulance but he got very agitated and in the end I called my neighbour who was a retired nurse
She took one look at him and told me to call 999
If only he had allowed me to get help earlier I feel his symptoms would not have been so severe and recovery quicker
So a long lonely road but I admit I feel resentful he didnt allow me to help him but certainly didnt argue with our neighbour who is also a very good friend
Thanks for being there for me
Regards Jeanne