Please don’t feel guilty. You’ve been poorly & are still recovering but even if you weren’t being a carer is exhausting & you have to have some respite to be able to continue to look after Alan.
It sounds like Alan is making some progress although you probably don’t see it.
Take all the help you can get.
Best wishes
Ann
A vote for everything @Mrs5K Ann has said. Think of all the care you’ve given him.
Looking forward to time apart should not make you feel guilty, it’s a necessity.
Many years ago ,when we were both pretty well, I still enjoyed nipping off for a couple of days if my daughter was in need of help with toddlers because she at the time had a kidney issue.
So please please, remember you are a convalescent too and look after you.
Hi @Sonia158,
It looks to me there are many positives here compared to your previous note and you can build on that 
I wonder if it is possible you are not seeing all the progress and improvements Alan has made or is making?
I say this because if you are with Alan 24/7 as his full-time Carer, you might not notice the small daily improvements that lead to the bigger longer term improvement. For example, when babies are growing up, parents may not remark on how much the child is growing but friends or relatives who don’t see the child every day will likely be surprised by how much the child has grown. Maybe not a great example, but I hope it helps to illustrate what I am trying to say. What do Alan’s friends or relatives think?
It’s great that Essex Wellbeing are going to help you get respite relief care and you should take full advantage of that to re-charge your batteries. This will be beneficial to both you and Alan in the long run.
It might help you to think of all the things you have done for Alan and then ask yourself:
If the guilt comes from Alan expecting things from you because he says you are his main carer, then would it help to sit with Alan and explain you need time out and he will not be left to cope on his own?
Human nature being what it is, people feel guilty for all sorts of reasons, but there has to be a balance.
One final thought - would Alan benefit from becoming a member of this community?
Wishing you and Alan all the best.
I feel I must share this with you - this is you.
You may not feel it, but it seems to me you might just not know how much you are appreciated as main carer for Alan.
I hope after this, you will not feel any guilt and come to realise how much your efforts mean to Alan and why you must be kind to yourself
I know that everything you all say is right but I suppose it is human nature to feel guilty. True as I am with him 24/7 I am probably not seeing the improvement, I am normally a glass half full person and I just think the recent events just knocked me for 6. I would love him to get involved with the community and join everyone online but he just wont do it. towards the end of last year he had a volunteer phone him once a week and he really didnt want to take the calls and I would have to literally hand him the phone and walk away so that he had to ick it up and talk. He has become so dependant on me and relies on me to do everything for him. I am hoping that the respite will help him rebuild his confidence. He is still very cheerful and for that I am very thankful.
I think when he goes for respite,it would be prudent to explain that, although maybe not his goal, it would be wonderful if they could encourage his independence.
It’s a difficult path as you don’t want him having to do so much, which you KNOW he can, that it puts him off respite if it’s offered again.
If you have the energy 2 things would be useful.
Firstly a list explaining his usual daily routine.
Next, a list of things he COULD do but chooses not to, and maybe one or two things he could be encouraged to do which would make a big difference for you.
As I’ve said this should be set up to be a positive experience.
That is very good advice, thank you.
Don’t feel guilty, do you want to go bang too? Carers are not exempt from strokes or any other illnesses. You run around and worry yourself ragged and look what happens.
That’s what happens when you worried, anxious, tired, stressed, over worked. The body can only give so much and you’re basically demanding your body lives and function for the both of you. With no respite then it’s only a matter of time before you become the patient too. Well, actually you’ve already done that, but that is only the beginning if you let guilt get the better of you. You have to look out for you, if you want to continue looking out for Alan.
Maybe Alan should read a few of these posts or join the forum himself. It will give him a better understanding of what he’s going through. It may also give him a better idea of what he needs to doing himself in order to get better 
Lorraine
Stroke Improvement Group